(no subject)
aww, my grandma has dial-up.my head hurts and i don't know what i'm going to do about anything when i get back to michigan.
i see pictures of people and i feel so terrible about myself.i wish that i could stand to starve and exercise and lose the fifteen pounds that have moved into my hips and thighs.i wish i could stand to be just a bit prettier, that my skin would clear up and my shoulders stop rolling forward.i wish my body had the courage my heart does not; i wish i could be beautiful without having to worry.in the end, i wish i just had courage.courage to do anything.
i wish i had the strength to stop worrying about boys.i'd like to one day wean myself from the computer and from french fries and from cigarettes and just sit in a park with a camera and a book and an apple.i'd like to be able to think better of myself.i'd like to gain a fresh start.not time wise, with this new year's shit.but with anything and everything.i'd like another chance to make the life i desire, so if i fuck it up a second time i know i'm not meant to enjoy anything.
i'm more depressed than i've ever been; worse off than i'd like to be at the beginning of my future.i've talked to my dad and he's considering letting me take a train to illinois over february break to see sam.germany is over spring break.and if all goes well, i will spend the first two weeks of summer break in california.my dad and i actually talked a lot of travelling tonight; i think he realizes i'm serious about attending San Francisco State come graduation year.we talked tuition and money they've saved and scholarships i can attempt.he told me we have family in california while we discussed the issue of residency.i told him i would spend my senior year in california to gain residency.i told him if he got a job there, i'd be the first to finish packing.and it sunk in this time.so i don't know, maybe i'll live with relatives i've never met next year.i'm all about adventures.i also spoke to my father of my ambitions to start freelance photography now--like the slams and fests and such i do for school, but for money.for my resume.i wonder if it's possible.i really would like to get a jumpstart on experiences like that.
at any rate, i'm in pennsylvania where the toll cost is higher than the fog slowly settling around us.i can't change anything--everything i'm hoping for depends on my parents.and when my fifty year old mother thinks she needs a face lift [even if it means i have student loans that will inhibit my saving after/during college], the future is far too dim.
goodnight.
i see pictures of people and i feel so terrible about myself.i wish that i could stand to starve and exercise and lose the fifteen pounds that have moved into my hips and thighs.i wish i could stand to be just a bit prettier, that my skin would clear up and my shoulders stop rolling forward.i wish my body had the courage my heart does not; i wish i could be beautiful without having to worry.in the end, i wish i just had courage.courage to do anything.
i wish i had the strength to stop worrying about boys.i'd like to one day wean myself from the computer and from french fries and from cigarettes and just sit in a park with a camera and a book and an apple.i'd like to be able to think better of myself.i'd like to gain a fresh start.not time wise, with this new year's shit.but with anything and everything.i'd like another chance to make the life i desire, so if i fuck it up a second time i know i'm not meant to enjoy anything.
i'm more depressed than i've ever been; worse off than i'd like to be at the beginning of my future.i've talked to my dad and he's considering letting me take a train to illinois over february break to see sam.germany is over spring break.and if all goes well, i will spend the first two weeks of summer break in california.my dad and i actually talked a lot of travelling tonight; i think he realizes i'm serious about attending San Francisco State come graduation year.we talked tuition and money they've saved and scholarships i can attempt.he told me we have family in california while we discussed the issue of residency.i told him i would spend my senior year in california to gain residency.i told him if he got a job there, i'd be the first to finish packing.and it sunk in this time.so i don't know, maybe i'll live with relatives i've never met next year.i'm all about adventures.i also spoke to my father of my ambitions to start freelance photography now--like the slams and fests and such i do for school, but for money.for my resume.i wonder if it's possible.i really would like to get a jumpstart on experiences like that.
at any rate, i'm in pennsylvania where the toll cost is higher than the fog slowly settling around us.i can't change anything--everything i'm hoping for depends on my parents.and when my fifty year old mother thinks she needs a face lift [even if it means i have student loans that will inhibit my saving after/during college], the future is far too dim.
goodnight.