(no subject)
you cant lose a broken heart.
ive been thinking a lot lately. hence, the many updates. this is a profound, yet incredibly redundant topic for me.
i just want to feel love. i want to be loved. i want to be IN love. i want all of that. i want to experience it. i want to jump head first into in. i want it all for myself. i want you all to myself. i hate having to share something i dont even really have. i hate having to watch someone who should be mine, be someone elses. i hate being patient and hate wating. i have always got everything i wanted. im selfish in a not really trying to be selfish way. but i have. if i wanted it, i was able to get it. i dont why i cant have you. im used to getting everything ive ever wanted. everything always tells me that anything worth having is worth fighting for. but, when is it time to stop fighting?
you cant fight forever.
you just cant.
ive always known.
but sometime things just dont work out the way we expect them too. which brings me to my next tangent.
when you know....YOU KNOW. i knew. i saw it in your eyes so long ago and i still see it now. but when i blink, i lose sight of it. i dunno. not everyone is ment to be with someone and even though i loved, love is lost and we all know that it is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all.
but i hate knowing that.
my biggest fear is still that i will meet someone. love them, have him love me and then we get married. we have an awesome life and we have beautiful kids and my life is perfect. until i wake up and he tells me he dosent love me anymore. he tells me that he is in love with another woman. or just that he dosent love me anymore. or worse. im suddenly not good enough, but in my head ive always known he was an ass. i just loved him too much to realize it. and i let him hurt me. and i let him hurt our kids. and i am too blinded by love to stop it. and i keep saying that he will change, or it was something i did. that i just wasnt good enough. i just couldnt make him happy enough. it just didnt work. so in return for my making his life "just not good enough" he will hurt me, because its what i some how deserve.
i dunno.
i feel like my time is running out but really...
i have TONS of time.
ive been thinking a lot lately. hence, the many updates. this is a profound, yet incredibly redundant topic for me.
i just want to feel love. i want to be loved. i want to be IN love. i want all of that. i want to experience it. i want to jump head first into in. i want it all for myself. i want you all to myself. i hate having to share something i dont even really have. i hate having to watch someone who should be mine, be someone elses. i hate being patient and hate wating. i have always got everything i wanted. im selfish in a not really trying to be selfish way. but i have. if i wanted it, i was able to get it. i dont why i cant have you. im used to getting everything ive ever wanted. everything always tells me that anything worth having is worth fighting for. but, when is it time to stop fighting?
you cant fight forever.
you just cant.
ive always known.
but sometime things just dont work out the way we expect them too. which brings me to my next tangent.
when you know....YOU KNOW. i knew. i saw it in your eyes so long ago and i still see it now. but when i blink, i lose sight of it. i dunno. not everyone is ment to be with someone and even though i loved, love is lost and we all know that it is better to love and lost than to never have loved at all.
but i hate knowing that.
my biggest fear is still that i will meet someone. love them, have him love me and then we get married. we have an awesome life and we have beautiful kids and my life is perfect. until i wake up and he tells me he dosent love me anymore. he tells me that he is in love with another woman. or just that he dosent love me anymore. or worse. im suddenly not good enough, but in my head ive always known he was an ass. i just loved him too much to realize it. and i let him hurt me. and i let him hurt our kids. and i am too blinded by love to stop it. and i keep saying that he will change, or it was something i did. that i just wasnt good enough. i just couldnt make him happy enough. it just didnt work. so in return for my making his life "just not good enough" he will hurt me, because its what i some how deserve.
i dunno.
i feel like my time is running out but really...
i have TONS of time.