My longest post ever. Fair warning this will have negative tones, but is really a cathartic post.
Before I could go to sleep I had to sit sown and write. If you read this be aware of the true meaning of this post. Do not misinterpret the meaning behind these words. This post is not a metaphysical look into what I have and currently am going through. This post is a very raw and literal look at what has happened with my life.
So many different feelings going through me right now. So much I have been through in this past week, and the reality is that no matter how much it is is still pales compared to the length of time that victoria_klein has gone through it. How she has held it together this long is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that I am even allowed to talk to her just causes my mind to spin. victoria_klein you are so strong I find myself inspired by you. I wish I could think of some fancy way to say it, but that is really the only thing that comes to mind. Yet it is completely insignificant compared to the reality.
This whole ordeal has served to bring about some very hard and ugly realizations. It is always scary when you have to look deep inside yourself and face what is in the mercy depths of your soul. What I found there was nothing short of a circus show from the deepest circle of hell. I have no idea what I have been doing up o this point in my life. All this time I had thought I confronted my demons and all this time I have really just been lying to myself. Truthfully I should have known considering I have always felt like there was a hungry primal creature lying inside of me. There is a reason I am listening to the songs I am. I am able to listen to them without feeling that they are describing me. I still like the songs, but now it is because they are just good music, not because they comfort me.
It is funny I used to hear these songs and it seemed to bring a sense of comfort because I felt like it was talking to me and like someone got it. Man is that so sad. Why did I do this. Why did I carry these demons for so long. Was I comforted by them. Did I think they were my friends. Did I feel it made me powerful to know that I could one day let go and let them out. That this made me safe. Yes I could have become a literal best and probably dealt with just about anyone who tried to harm me physically. But why did I always live in such constant anger. How did I think I was calm. I was always wound tighter that a twisted rubber band. Anyone who lives like this is the farthest thing from a strong person. Anyone who thinks that living life in a constant state of being one step away from being a feral beast is deluded.
I have known for some time that I have a strong connection to the wolf. Being part Native American it is my spiritual animal. But what saddens me about that is what I did with it. I took this beautiful, noble, majestic creature and twisted it into a perverse and sick thing. Man my spirit is doing some much needed healing. I did some reacquainting with what the positive side of having this as a spirit animal should mean. Here is what I found.
Wolf spirit and connection with instincts
When you have the wolf as a spirit animal, it could be an expression of your sharp intelligence and strong instincts. The wolf symbolizes a strong connection with instincts and when it appears as a animal spirit guide, it could point to a way of perceiving and understanding the world around you that works similarly.
Whether the wolf appears in physical form or in a dream or meditation, it may reveal that you’re using your instincts and intuition to grasp a situation well. The fact that your wolf animal spirit guide shows up could also be a call to use this capacity to deal with a recent challenge you’ve experienced in your life.
If the presence of the wolf feels threatening, pay attention to how your instinctual nature and raw emotions can jeopardize your balance or the balance of people around you. Your power animal may appear in such light to warn you about devouring instincts of those belonging somebody around you.
The wolf: A power animal symbolic of freedom
Wolf power or spirit animals point to an appetite for freedom and living life powerfully, guided by instincts. When a wolf manifests its presence as a guide in your life, it could be a call to live your life more freely, to bring the intensity of passion in your everyday endeavors.
Wolves are wild animals that are not easily domesticated and when they appear as spirit guides, they could be an invitation to look at what supports your authentic self and the true expression of yourself.
The wolf totem is a reminder to keep your spirit alive and trust your instincts to find the way that will best suit you.
To think if I had truly been in tune with my guide I could have completely avoided so much of what is going on. Hind sight is 20/20 right. Well to late to dwell on that. That is one of the many things that I have looked at. My constant need to live in the past. What is going on with this. My past wasn't even a good place for me. You hear about so many people talk about their past and they refer to it with this sense of awe like it was some kind of tale of perfection. Mine was a period where I embraced the things that lived inside. Translation, I was completely and utterly unstable. A walking time bomb. I am so glad nobody really new the true me back then. I was good at hiding the beast I had been. Now this to is not a good thing. You should never hide who or what you are, but that was a being I would never want to encounter.
So let's see, I now have a better understanding of these facts and what is the end state. I am truly glad to be rid of all of that. Honestly the weight that all of that was creating in my life, I can't believe my heart did't give out. Now that it is gone it is such a crazy feeling to start to see who I really am. I am still a warrior. Now there is something interesting to think about. Please indulge me and let me explore that for a moment. Yes the definition of a warrior is: a brave or experienced soldier or fighter. Often times if you ask someone about what comes to mind when they think when they hear that word or tittle, they will probably come up with something that paints a picture of someone who is combative. But if you look at the synonyms you will notice that one is brave. Ahhhh, now that is interesting isn't it? Let's see Brave: endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear. Now that doesn't sound like someone who is combative. So just because you are a warrior doesn't mean you have to always be ready to commit violence. Ooh, my soul is shifting. I have gone from the songs about being something harsh to that of one about rising up, Eminem - Not Afraid. But that is a side note.
I would venture to think that in the end that if you are a true warrior you actively look to avoid it. It is the same concept that just because you can defeat someone, doesn't mean you should long for it. Oh yes there is another point about who I was. I was so wound up all the time that I had a parts of me that wanted people to do something just to get a release. I am so glad I don't have these burdens any more. In fact I feel so much better, better than I have in years.
Now came the hardest part. I had to forgive myself. FOR A LOT. Forgive myself for being so blind. Forgive myself for consuming everything like I was gluttony itself. Forgive myself for taking advantage of those that care for me by using them as a distraction from dealing with these problems. That is always hard. This leaves scars. Sometimes it seems like it would be better to let the wounds bleed then let them heal. No one wants to be scarred. The problem is that if you don't allow the healing to happen then you end up scarring others. Almost always the ones you love.
Why, why do we always hurt the ones we love the most? I don't know if I will ever know the answer to this question. I could live a thousand life times and be reincarnated just as many times and probably not come to an answer. But maybe we aren't meant to know. Maybe we are just supposed to learn and grow. That is the path I chose to walk. Obviously I am not done with all this. There is no quick fix in this. If I tried to say I was I would either be lying or falling back into the same habits. I don't know when I will be done with the healing or when I will be done going through the transformation into my true self. The transformation, probably never. We are constantly changing and growing and that is a truly beautiful thought. As someone who stood stagnate for so many years the idea of spending the rest of my life changing is actually really appealing.
I am so glad that I finally reached this point. But I am even more so about the fact that I am sharing it with victoria_klein and my good friend mattgrey. I can't think of anyone else I would want to see the fruits of this. Well I have rambled on enough. I am sure I will have another cathartic and utterly long post again in the future. But I must admit it felt really good to get all this down. It will be interesting to look back at this post down the line. I am sure I will have a wonderful laugh at the person I was. Not insulting but more like, wow I can't believe I was like that.
If you took the time to read this, thank you. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I know this was long and I am sorry. But if you get anything from it I am glad. Till I have another moment of clarity like this, just try to remember. Live your life, but don't loose site either. Make sure you stop and look around every once and awhile. Don't forget about what is important. Be sure to let the one/s you love know how you feel. Lastly don't think that having feelings makes you weak. Truth be told it is a stronger person who knows his feelings and can embrace them. Good night.
So many different feelings going through me right now. So much I have been through in this past week, and the reality is that no matter how much it is is still pales compared to the length of time that victoria_klein has gone through it. How she has held it together this long is nothing short of a miracle. The fact that I am even allowed to talk to her just causes my mind to spin. victoria_klein you are so strong I find myself inspired by you. I wish I could think of some fancy way to say it, but that is really the only thing that comes to mind. Yet it is completely insignificant compared to the reality.
This whole ordeal has served to bring about some very hard and ugly realizations. It is always scary when you have to look deep inside yourself and face what is in the mercy depths of your soul. What I found there was nothing short of a circus show from the deepest circle of hell. I have no idea what I have been doing up o this point in my life. All this time I had thought I confronted my demons and all this time I have really just been lying to myself. Truthfully I should have known considering I have always felt like there was a hungry primal creature lying inside of me. There is a reason I am listening to the songs I am. I am able to listen to them without feeling that they are describing me. I still like the songs, but now it is because they are just good music, not because they comfort me.
It is funny I used to hear these songs and it seemed to bring a sense of comfort because I felt like it was talking to me and like someone got it. Man is that so sad. Why did I do this. Why did I carry these demons for so long. Was I comforted by them. Did I think they were my friends. Did I feel it made me powerful to know that I could one day let go and let them out. That this made me safe. Yes I could have become a literal best and probably dealt with just about anyone who tried to harm me physically. But why did I always live in such constant anger. How did I think I was calm. I was always wound tighter that a twisted rubber band. Anyone who lives like this is the farthest thing from a strong person. Anyone who thinks that living life in a constant state of being one step away from being a feral beast is deluded.
I have known for some time that I have a strong connection to the wolf. Being part Native American it is my spiritual animal. But what saddens me about that is what I did with it. I took this beautiful, noble, majestic creature and twisted it into a perverse and sick thing. Man my spirit is doing some much needed healing. I did some reacquainting with what the positive side of having this as a spirit animal should mean. Here is what I found.
Wolf spirit and connection with instincts
When you have the wolf as a spirit animal, it could be an expression of your sharp intelligence and strong instincts. The wolf symbolizes a strong connection with instincts and when it appears as a animal spirit guide, it could point to a way of perceiving and understanding the world around you that works similarly.
Whether the wolf appears in physical form or in a dream or meditation, it may reveal that you’re using your instincts and intuition to grasp a situation well. The fact that your wolf animal spirit guide shows up could also be a call to use this capacity to deal with a recent challenge you’ve experienced in your life.
If the presence of the wolf feels threatening, pay attention to how your instinctual nature and raw emotions can jeopardize your balance or the balance of people around you. Your power animal may appear in such light to warn you about devouring instincts of those belonging somebody around you.
The wolf: A power animal symbolic of freedom
Wolf power or spirit animals point to an appetite for freedom and living life powerfully, guided by instincts. When a wolf manifests its presence as a guide in your life, it could be a call to live your life more freely, to bring the intensity of passion in your everyday endeavors.
Wolves are wild animals that are not easily domesticated and when they appear as spirit guides, they could be an invitation to look at what supports your authentic self and the true expression of yourself.
The wolf totem is a reminder to keep your spirit alive and trust your instincts to find the way that will best suit you.
To think if I had truly been in tune with my guide I could have completely avoided so much of what is going on. Hind sight is 20/20 right. Well to late to dwell on that. That is one of the many things that I have looked at. My constant need to live in the past. What is going on with this. My past wasn't even a good place for me. You hear about so many people talk about their past and they refer to it with this sense of awe like it was some kind of tale of perfection. Mine was a period where I embraced the things that lived inside. Translation, I was completely and utterly unstable. A walking time bomb. I am so glad nobody really new the true me back then. I was good at hiding the beast I had been. Now this to is not a good thing. You should never hide who or what you are, but that was a being I would never want to encounter.
So let's see, I now have a better understanding of these facts and what is the end state. I am truly glad to be rid of all of that. Honestly the weight that all of that was creating in my life, I can't believe my heart did't give out. Now that it is gone it is such a crazy feeling to start to see who I really am. I am still a warrior. Now there is something interesting to think about. Please indulge me and let me explore that for a moment. Yes the definition of a warrior is: a brave or experienced soldier or fighter. Often times if you ask someone about what comes to mind when they think when they hear that word or tittle, they will probably come up with something that paints a picture of someone who is combative. But if you look at the synonyms you will notice that one is brave. Ahhhh, now that is interesting isn't it? Let's see Brave: endure or face (unpleasant conditions or behavior) without showing fear. Now that doesn't sound like someone who is combative. So just because you are a warrior doesn't mean you have to always be ready to commit violence. Ooh, my soul is shifting. I have gone from the songs about being something harsh to that of one about rising up, Eminem - Not Afraid. But that is a side note.
I would venture to think that in the end that if you are a true warrior you actively look to avoid it. It is the same concept that just because you can defeat someone, doesn't mean you should long for it. Oh yes there is another point about who I was. I was so wound up all the time that I had a parts of me that wanted people to do something just to get a release. I am so glad I don't have these burdens any more. In fact I feel so much better, better than I have in years.
Now came the hardest part. I had to forgive myself. FOR A LOT. Forgive myself for being so blind. Forgive myself for consuming everything like I was gluttony itself. Forgive myself for taking advantage of those that care for me by using them as a distraction from dealing with these problems. That is always hard. This leaves scars. Sometimes it seems like it would be better to let the wounds bleed then let them heal. No one wants to be scarred. The problem is that if you don't allow the healing to happen then you end up scarring others. Almost always the ones you love.
Why, why do we always hurt the ones we love the most? I don't know if I will ever know the answer to this question. I could live a thousand life times and be reincarnated just as many times and probably not come to an answer. But maybe we aren't meant to know. Maybe we are just supposed to learn and grow. That is the path I chose to walk. Obviously I am not done with all this. There is no quick fix in this. If I tried to say I was I would either be lying or falling back into the same habits. I don't know when I will be done with the healing or when I will be done going through the transformation into my true self. The transformation, probably never. We are constantly changing and growing and that is a truly beautiful thought. As someone who stood stagnate for so many years the idea of spending the rest of my life changing is actually really appealing.
I am so glad that I finally reached this point. But I am even more so about the fact that I am sharing it with victoria_klein and my good friend mattgrey. I can't think of anyone else I would want to see the fruits of this. Well I have rambled on enough. I am sure I will have another cathartic and utterly long post again in the future. But I must admit it felt really good to get all this down. It will be interesting to look back at this post down the line. I am sure I will have a wonderful laugh at the person I was. Not insulting but more like, wow I can't believe I was like that.
If you took the time to read this, thank you. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts with you. I know this was long and I am sorry. But if you get anything from it I am glad. Till I have another moment of clarity like this, just try to remember. Live your life, but don't loose site either. Make sure you stop and look around every once and awhile. Don't forget about what is important. Be sure to let the one/s you love know how you feel. Lastly don't think that having feelings makes you weak. Truth be told it is a stronger person who knows his feelings and can embrace them. Good night.