(no subject)
i want to get a couple things off my chest. a short while ago i was engaged to someone i had dated on and off for the past four years. we would break up for a certain number of months and meet back up again at a party or something and talk about how stupid it was that we werent still together. this time around, we started fighting a lot towards the end of the relationship which is how they always seem to end for us. after we broke up, because of us constantly bitching at each other, i found out that he had been seeing someone for a while. someone i used to be good friends with. and of course she knew we were together while that was going on. saturday night was my good friends birthday celebration thing. i walked in my friends house after he picked me up and there were tons of my friends there. and directly across the room sitting beside each other were my ex, and this girl. now that sight really really hurt me. i wanted to start screaming and crying and whatever else a person in hysterics might do. but what did i do?, you are asking yourself. lets think. what do i usually do when i feel an emotion im not comfortable with and i dont think i can handle? i get drunk and forget about it for the time being. and it worked this past weekend, until they crossed my path at the wrong moment and i said to the girl i was going to slit her throat, and later pulled a knife on the guy that he had given me months ago. i didnt do anything, but i was close, and i wanted to. i've been feeling so much emotional pain that i dont even think of it as that anymore, it keeps skipping the sad phase and turning directly into anger. not only do i feel bad about being mean to them, because that makes me just as bad, but i seriously thought i could quit drinking. i know that up until i moved to delray i did a lot of hurtful things to other people, and when i moved back i felt happy because for some reason i felt forgiven for those things. but now its like every thing ive done to hurt other people is coming back and its just all happening to me now instead of them. im finally making an attempt to live my life the way i should, and i dont understand why all of this stuff is happening to hurt me. i wish i had some friends i could really talk to, and i wish everyone that i hurt knew how sorry i am.