only a matter of time
i talked to cleo, she always inspires me to write what im really feeling, and gives me a lot of insight. there are going to be several things in this entry that are wrds which came diectly from her mouth last night, and were inspirational enough for me to remember the day after i heard them word for wrd and put them in here.
i got in a fight with my parents last night. i've been home for almost 2 weeks, as of this saturday, so i knew it was onlya matter of time before we got into it again. its hard for me to compromise myself with the person they want me to be, a 12 year old with no backbone and completely relying on them. ive become a completely different person within the past 6 months, and ive changed more in that amount of time than i have in the accumulation of the remainder of my life. my parents never really let me face the world head-on, thy prevented me from experiencing reality as much as they possibly could, an i always used to find a way to get around them and do whatever i wanted. when i moved out, it was like a totally different world. i was free to do whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted to do it, and i just ate that up.i trusted people i should have never given the time of day, and shocked myself with a lot of things. i used to be naive, but i thought i knew all there was to know and i knew how to independantly live life. deep inside, im the same person i always have been and always will be, only now that i've been faced with the harsh reality of the world and have been dealing with it , it makes me a full-thinking, more responsible human being, not just a little girl. i want to be more than just a resident of orange park, florida.i look at the other people here, and they remind me a little of myself this past summer. the only thing ive got to do to surpass these people is to look at myself, look at what im accomplishing completely alone, even if what im doing now is just making up for my mistakes in the past- but im still taking all my problems head on and dealing with them as well as i possibly can. i need to hold myself to higher standards than the ones typicaly set here, and i need to see how much of a bigger person i can be, because i know what i want out of life, and they've never had to sit down and think about it. people here might be angry because i think im better than they are, some even might look down on me for trying to be better. it isnt that i think im a more important person than them, its just that im seeing the world through an entirely different perspective than i used to and i know i can make a better person out of myself. most of the kids here cant see the real world because their vision is too blurred from dealing with life in the wrong ways. their parents pay for them just to party and go to school, and thats all their lives consist of. the kids here on fleming island have been spoon fed everything that they have ever known with a 24 carat gold spoon. they dont have real lives, and theyre going nowhere fast. they might think bad about me for trying to keep my life on the right track, but in actuality theyre too wrapped up in their own lives to give a damn about mine it would be like a slap in the face for them to spend 10 minutes inside my head knowing whats really going on in there. im trying to completely detatch myself, right now i cant from the city itself, but i can do it from my life here, or hat it used to be. there are only a few people who know whats going on in my life, they are going to be the same ones i have in the end, after im married and getting old and wrinkly, and they are the ones who stayed by my side from the beginning, and cared about m. no matter where i go, south jersey, alaska, wherever, there are going to be people like this, who cant grasp the concept of life because everything has been handed to them on a silver platter. the only way these people wont exist is if i stop caring about them, and overlook them. thats the only escape from the people who have made their hearts and lives into something ugly. i know that somewhere theres more to my life than there is here, and the more i work towards it the more i can feel it.
i got a third job yesterday. yeah, ill be a server at steak & shake. not a very good job, but i needed another job and since thats all thats available im more than willing to take it. if i keep all three jobs, i'll be working 5 days a week from 7am - 8pm, not including weekends. its going to be tough and im going to be tired but it will be worth it.
i was thinking about what i would want to do before i could die in peace? a tragic thought, i know, and its kind of a morbid one too. im not planning on dying soon or anything, but i was just thinking of any "business" i wanted to take care of beforehand. i narrowed it down to a few things. i would want to tell ray to his face that i love him just one more time. i would want to thank my parents for not making my life an easy one, because that made me a stronger person. i would want to go to the beach one more time, at night, when its empty, just so i could look at the moon and the stars and out at the ocean and feel infinite. and the people i love, would know i love them.
"as they all grow older the truth will be understood,
cos we never turn out the way we thought we would"
i got in a fight with my parents last night. i've been home for almost 2 weeks, as of this saturday, so i knew it was onlya matter of time before we got into it again. its hard for me to compromise myself with the person they want me to be, a 12 year old with no backbone and completely relying on them. ive become a completely different person within the past 6 months, and ive changed more in that amount of time than i have in the accumulation of the remainder of my life. my parents never really let me face the world head-on, thy prevented me from experiencing reality as much as they possibly could, an i always used to find a way to get around them and do whatever i wanted. when i moved out, it was like a totally different world. i was free to do whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted to do it, and i just ate that up.i trusted people i should have never given the time of day, and shocked myself with a lot of things. i used to be naive, but i thought i knew all there was to know and i knew how to independantly live life. deep inside, im the same person i always have been and always will be, only now that i've been faced with the harsh reality of the world and have been dealing with it , it makes me a full-thinking, more responsible human being, not just a little girl. i want to be more than just a resident of orange park, florida.i look at the other people here, and they remind me a little of myself this past summer. the only thing ive got to do to surpass these people is to look at myself, look at what im accomplishing completely alone, even if what im doing now is just making up for my mistakes in the past- but im still taking all my problems head on and dealing with them as well as i possibly can. i need to hold myself to higher standards than the ones typicaly set here, and i need to see how much of a bigger person i can be, because i know what i want out of life, and they've never had to sit down and think about it. people here might be angry because i think im better than they are, some even might look down on me for trying to be better. it isnt that i think im a more important person than them, its just that im seeing the world through an entirely different perspective than i used to and i know i can make a better person out of myself. most of the kids here cant see the real world because their vision is too blurred from dealing with life in the wrong ways. their parents pay for them just to party and go to school, and thats all their lives consist of. the kids here on fleming island have been spoon fed everything that they have ever known with a 24 carat gold spoon. they dont have real lives, and theyre going nowhere fast. they might think bad about me for trying to keep my life on the right track, but in actuality theyre too wrapped up in their own lives to give a damn about mine it would be like a slap in the face for them to spend 10 minutes inside my head knowing whats really going on in there. im trying to completely detatch myself, right now i cant from the city itself, but i can do it from my life here, or hat it used to be. there are only a few people who know whats going on in my life, they are going to be the same ones i have in the end, after im married and getting old and wrinkly, and they are the ones who stayed by my side from the beginning, and cared about m. no matter where i go, south jersey, alaska, wherever, there are going to be people like this, who cant grasp the concept of life because everything has been handed to them on a silver platter. the only way these people wont exist is if i stop caring about them, and overlook them. thats the only escape from the people who have made their hearts and lives into something ugly. i know that somewhere theres more to my life than there is here, and the more i work towards it the more i can feel it.
i got a third job yesterday. yeah, ill be a server at steak & shake. not a very good job, but i needed another job and since thats all thats available im more than willing to take it. if i keep all three jobs, i'll be working 5 days a week from 7am - 8pm, not including weekends. its going to be tough and im going to be tired but it will be worth it.
i was thinking about what i would want to do before i could die in peace? a tragic thought, i know, and its kind of a morbid one too. im not planning on dying soon or anything, but i was just thinking of any "business" i wanted to take care of beforehand. i narrowed it down to a few things. i would want to tell ray to his face that i love him just one more time. i would want to thank my parents for not making my life an easy one, because that made me a stronger person. i would want to go to the beach one more time, at night, when its empty, just so i could look at the moon and the stars and out at the ocean and feel infinite. and the people i love, would know i love them.
"as they all grow older the truth will be understood,
cos we never turn out the way we thought we would"