still missing you
i just got done hanging out with cleo. we havent hung out since february. we did what we used to do tonight, go to steak & shake and talk for a long time. i feel so much better after talking to her, shes the only person here who has listened to me talk about my life recently and actually let me talk instead of relating it to things in their life and turning it into their chance to get stuff off their chest. usually im the one listening and it might seem to a lot of people that i talk about my feelings and things going on, but as much as anyone knows, they still dont know half of what happened this summer and i dont know if i'll ever tell. the people closest to me in the world dont know what i went through, and im sorry to anyone reading this if they think i've been bitchy the last few entries but everyone needs to be able to vent sometimes, and at this point in my life i dont care what anyone tihnks because if they dont like me for expressing my feelings then that means they dont really like me. i think cleo is the only person i know who has gone through what i've been through, and for that i respect her so much. there are a lot of things that i dont know about her, and there are a lot of things she doesnt know about me. but it makes me feel a lot better about being here to know that theres at least one person on the same level as me. i miss ray more than i think i could ever describe in words, and it tears me apart to know that maybe he is liking someone else, we agreed not to be together when i came back, but not a moment passes that im not thinking about him. i know it would be foolish to stay together when we're several hundred miles apart, but i wish we were still together like we were, and my mind and heart arethere with him and they still will be in 5 years from now if i live halfway across the world. im so afraid that maybe it was just a 'thing' for him, while i was there, and now that im gone its over. i would rather kill myself now than live knowing the only person i loved and would give my life for didnt feel the same way as i do. that might have sounded desperate, or depressing, or like a plea for pity but it was nothing but the truth. i must sound horrible while im writing this entry and you must feel akward reading it but i have so many things i need to get of my chest. im actually ignoring most of my "friends" here because im trying to make something better of myself. now i have two jobs and im getting the third one for evening shift tomorrow and then in addition im going to night school. i dont want to have time for anyone here. i just want to get done what i need to get done, and do it right. im proud of myself for trying to have my life in order and like a normal person should, and i know its good for me but its disturbing to leave behind everyone you know and have a complete change of lifestyle from what you're used to. i just want to be a good person for once. it doesnt matter how many other people im ever good to, i've never really been good to myself and im going to try that this time. the light at the end of my tunnel is ray waiting at the bottom of the escalator again. if anything actually gets me through this its going to be him.