eight

May 16, 2011 20:48

So close to the end! Of course, there are so many things due in the next weeks, almost enough to overshadow the fact that summer is only a couple weeks away. Almost.

I'm so happy that the LPS midterm ended up being curved. I got a C+ instead of an F or a D. Granted, Cs are still not good, but it's definitely good enough to (hopefully) pass the class. I just need to get at least a C on the final, and I'll be okay. I know what I need to do.

I had to sign up for classes today, and I'm a little scared by all the classes I've signed up for. I'm only enrolled in 17 units, but it's going to be a difficult quarter. I'm taking two upper division art history classes, Japanese 2A, and one physics class to satisfy honors requirements. The physics class is meant for honors students who are non-science majors, but I heard the class is really difficult. Usually honors kids take it their third year, but I really just want to get my science GE out of the way, so hopefully that isn't a big factor. I have to put 100% into all of my classes, something I haven't been doing for the past year. I won't get to slack off in physics because it's not a P/NP class, and I'll have to study all the time. I also have a complex where I feel like I don't know anything in actual art history classes. I don't know why I always feel so inferior. I'm also anxious about all the memorization. I kind of lucked out this year as far as AH survey classes go, so I might have to keep my mind active during the summer to exercise my brain.

I'll definitely have to practice my Japanese a lot, especially since it's getting really hard. I'll have to join language clubs on campus, and actually take an active role in learning the language. For some reason, I feel like next year is going to be exponentially better. It probably has to do with the fact that I won't be living in a dorm, but instead an apartment; but when I think about it, that's not much better. Instead of having one roommate, I'll have three. I wonder how that's going to go. Anyway, I think I learned a lot about myself this year, as lame as that sounds. In a way, I'm grateful for how awkward and painful and cringeworthy this year was. It made me realize what I don't want to become, and it made me happy with myself, but it also made me realize how much I hate going to this school. I find myself unhappy wherever I am, wherever I go.

Ahh, I have to get a job. I wonder if anyone will hire me just for the summer. I have nothing to offer as an employee. I don't even like people. I thought this summer would be relaxing and exciting, but all my worries are weighing me down. I think I'm just trying to hold onto those lazy summers where I had no responsibility whatsoever and I just sat in my house all day, waiting for school to start so I could finally see all my friends again. Summers aren't like that anymore, and they probably will never be like that again. Does summer even mean the same thing now? It's weird to think about. Growing up is weird.

School is always on my mind. I wish I had other things to talk about, but school is my life. I wish I was brilliantly talented enough to leave this all behind. What am I really learning, writing essays in my dorm about things I don't care about? Really, what's the point? I haven't been able to really think about his lately because I'm so consumed by schoolwork, but I remember this really bothering me in the fall and winter. I still feel out of place and incredibly awkward. I still feel like a robot, and I still feel like I'm wasting time.

I really don't want to start my homework, but doing it is the only way I feel productive.

I need to get a life.
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