different day
Week two. I know counting the weeks will probably just make time go by much slower, but I can't help it. I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
If memory serves, week two is about the time when I start to get really nostalgic. I didn't really believe that something like that could cycle, but today I felt the "week two wave of nostalgia." I was cleaning out my linguistics binder (I guess I should have done this after the end of last quarter, but oh well...) and I found my first page of notes. I remembered how I had copy-and-pasted the slide information onto a word document because I wanted to save ink. It ended up taking a good amount of time, but I always said, "Well, I don't really have anything else to do," and I really didn't because I had no friends (or sister) to meet up with and no homework because it was the first week of classes. Thinking back to that moment made me remember everything about the beginning of winter quarter - how lonely I felt because my sister had graduated, how much I didn't want to see anyone from my hall, how anxious I was to resume classes. It all seems to far away, and in a way, it was, but at the same time it wasn't very far at all.
Then I remember fall quarter, and how much of a mess I (sort of) felt. I wasn't adjusting well - in a way I felt was "normal," or like everyone else was adjusting. But I was happier on my own, and I was able to spend a lot of time with my sister after almost two years of not seeing her everyday. We would go out to get boba or buy random things after our classes. I only had two classes, and she had a light schedule as well, so we'd always meet up. We'd go places to "study" or go to her apartment to watch things. I really miss that the most. I feel like we can't do that anymore, at least not in the way we used to.
Even the music sounds different each quarter. Fall was a lot of Dir en grey. Winter was metal, for some reason. It seems this quarter is British and indie rock. I don't know why I can't listen to Dir en grey anymore. I think I'm in a Diru slump. It happened to me last year around the same time - maybe I just need a concert. I'm just worried because my desire to do anything has gone completely down the drain along with my ability to listen to Dir en grey. I feel like I have no idea what I want to do with myself anymore. What I am I doing with my life? I don't want to do anything. I'm just existing. It's awful.
The time between each quarters seems very uneven. Things have really changed.
This is going to sound really stupid, but some things that I thought would never happen have happened and it makes me really sad. Maybe I'm being really selfish to want some things to stay constant. I guess it's not up to me.
But the bubble just popped for me. It's all sinking in. I didn't realize how feeling-less I've been for the last two weeks. Now I'm just sad and confused. I can't understand both sides and I feel a little stuck in the middle. I also feel a little pathetic. Why am I so dependent on other people for happiness? But then again, isn't that what being a friend is...? What do I do now? I feel like I am a blank slate. No personality. No feelings. Nothing. I just act. I isolate myself. I don't know what to do.
I actually really miss high school right now - I don't think I miss high school as a whole (if that makes sense), but I miss when things didn't really matter, and when I had no responsibility, and when the world didn't feel so depressing. I guess I really just miss being a kid.
I need to do my homework, but I'm a little paralyzed by the amount of things I need to do. I just need to focus for the next 10 weeks. Hopefully I can keep it up.
If memory serves, week two is about the time when I start to get really nostalgic. I didn't really believe that something like that could cycle, but today I felt the "week two wave of nostalgia." I was cleaning out my linguistics binder (I guess I should have done this after the end of last quarter, but oh well...) and I found my first page of notes. I remembered how I had copy-and-pasted the slide information onto a word document because I wanted to save ink. It ended up taking a good amount of time, but I always said, "Well, I don't really have anything else to do," and I really didn't because I had no friends (or sister) to meet up with and no homework because it was the first week of classes. Thinking back to that moment made me remember everything about the beginning of winter quarter - how lonely I felt because my sister had graduated, how much I didn't want to see anyone from my hall, how anxious I was to resume classes. It all seems to far away, and in a way, it was, but at the same time it wasn't very far at all.
Then I remember fall quarter, and how much of a mess I (sort of) felt. I wasn't adjusting well - in a way I felt was "normal," or like everyone else was adjusting. But I was happier on my own, and I was able to spend a lot of time with my sister after almost two years of not seeing her everyday. We would go out to get boba or buy random things after our classes. I only had two classes, and she had a light schedule as well, so we'd always meet up. We'd go places to "study" or go to her apartment to watch things. I really miss that the most. I feel like we can't do that anymore, at least not in the way we used to.
Even the music sounds different each quarter. Fall was a lot of Dir en grey. Winter was metal, for some reason. It seems this quarter is British and indie rock. I don't know why I can't listen to Dir en grey anymore. I think I'm in a Diru slump. It happened to me last year around the same time - maybe I just need a concert. I'm just worried because my desire to do anything has gone completely down the drain along with my ability to listen to Dir en grey. I feel like I have no idea what I want to do with myself anymore. What I am I doing with my life? I don't want to do anything. I'm just existing. It's awful.
The time between each quarters seems very uneven. Things have really changed.
This is going to sound really stupid, but some things that I thought would never happen have happened and it makes me really sad. Maybe I'm being really selfish to want some things to stay constant. I guess it's not up to me.
But the bubble just popped for me. It's all sinking in. I didn't realize how feeling-less I've been for the last two weeks. Now I'm just sad and confused. I can't understand both sides and I feel a little stuck in the middle. I also feel a little pathetic. Why am I so dependent on other people for happiness? But then again, isn't that what being a friend is...? What do I do now? I feel like I am a blank slate. No personality. No feelings. Nothing. I just act. I isolate myself. I don't know what to do.
I actually really miss high school right now - I don't think I miss high school as a whole (if that makes sense), but I miss when things didn't really matter, and when I had no responsibility, and when the world didn't feel so depressing. I guess I really just miss being a kid.
I need to do my homework, but I'm a little paralyzed by the amount of things I need to do. I just need to focus for the next 10 weeks. Hopefully I can keep it up.