countdown to heartbreak (and the infinity that pieces it back together)
FIVE…
‘We’re soaring, flying… There’s not a star in heaven that we can’t reach!’
Bullshit… This isn’t some goddamn high school musical.
Oh, yeah, the songs, the dances, the drama and the unbreakable status quo… Okay, maybe those things are the same but it’s totally different (Lee SooMan says so). Anyways, it began before the beginning, before there was a Youngwoong Jaejoong, a Micky Yoochun, a Xiah… ah you get the point. It was when each of them starved (in some cases quite literally) and craved for the attention of every living soul (Which now they want to repel… most of the time). After the indifferent nods as a way of greeting, after being forced into shoebox-sized dorms, they all got to know each other, all having their own dreams in tow.
It only takes them a few months to actually know each other, pet peeves, preference and all. People do get to see more of a person when he’s at his worst, and more than what their company wants them to admit, their trainee days are their worst. More of a mid-life crisis, just two, three, decades early. Oh, and honestly, how could you not know a person after being together day in and day out???
On the first night the five of them were together, Yoochun gets to be stuck with Jaejoong for obvious reasons. Obvious being, a) Yunho needs to be ‘trained’ to become a leader so he stays with the omniscient manager, b) Junsu is too jolly for anyone’s liking and Changmin is too young to be tainted by the eldest, lastly c) well, nobody really wants to be with Jaejoong (and his freakishly, unnerving stares) and Yoochun was the last one who came in. No one is above the dibs rule, no one.
And that’s how it started. The two of them sneaking out when everyone else is sleeping to buy soju and cigarettes that they weren’t supposed to get until they’re legal. That’s how they formed this so-called partnership in crime, with no one to bail them out the next day after their dear manager hyung finds the empty bottles and cigarette butts Jaejoong, or was it Yoochun, was supposed to throw out. It didn’t take long until they realized they were more alike than they let on. More messed up and more contorted to fit each other like two fingers clasped together. Like two halves, like soulmates.
FOUR…
‘Let’s climb together to the top, singing and kicking, voice and eyes stinging, wanting to go back down and make the world’s spins stop.’
What the fuck is that?
‘How the hell am I supposed to know?’
You wrote it.
‘So? It rhymed.’
A shrug accompanied by another.
They lose their virginities together. Okay, don’t get into conclusions yet, it’s not what you think. They didn’t lose it on each other, they lost it together. It happened on a night among their other mindless getaways, off into musty neighborhoods of the poor parts of Seoul. Blame it on the hormones, the curiosity, and stupidity, but they did it.
Strolling out of a shady liquor store, blabbering on about who female sunbaes like better, Jaejoong spots a woman wearing a skirt that would serve useless when she bends over and a low v-neck exposing nearly most of her breasts that dangles like any women of their grandparents’ generation would. She wears the thickest makeup, even more than what the five of them ever had since they signed their contracts. Her face five shades whiter, her lipstick smudged, cheap mascara and liner outlining what seemed to be her eyes, and hair that might as well have pink neon sign saying ‘BIRDS NESTING CHARGED BY THE NIGHT’.
Yoochun thinks he had never seen anyone, or something, as hideous as this while Jaejoong, he thinks like a Jaejoong would. Yoochun doesn’t seem to know what Jaejoong thought at the time. He only finds out for sure after.
Jaejoong stops by the nice hooker lady, waiting for the cross sign to turn to ‘WALK’, which puzzles Yoochun since Jaejoong had quite a reputation for jaywalking. He lights up his cigarette, showing off the puffs that resembled sugar-covered donuts that slowly dissipate into the thin, mildewy air.
“Care to spare a stick, hakseng?” She utters, in a seducing but phony tone that made Yoochun’s hair rise and not in the good way.
“What’s in it for me?” Jaejoong speaks as equally flirtatious that Yoochun thinks he might go mad. “Nothing’s free, nowadays.”
“Ah, you know how to play this game, huh,” She gives a simper, shifting her weight to get a better look of a possibly young ‘treat’. “You could follow me if you want to find out.” She begins to cross the street, swaying her hips too much that it looks uncomfortable.
Yoochun thinks hookers are not much different from actresses. They have to be in ‘character’ to get their work done. Hookers just get paid for sex and actresses, well, they just fuck.
He almost shoots himself when he sees Jaejoong following and, god forbid, anticipating. (Almost because there are no guns present). “What the fuck do you think you’re doing, moron?!” He pulls Jaejoong by the wrist, seething and totally not caring at the fact they’re in the middle of the road.
“Trying to get us laid!!!” Jaejoong loudly whispers that Yoochun wonders why he’s even whispering in the first place.
“Are you fucking crazy?!?! Manager hyung will kill us!!! The management!!! Shit, Jaejoong, are you even thinking?! How about diseases you could get, you don’t even think about that?!?!?”
Jaejoong spins around, rolling his eyes, swinging a lazy hand on his hip. “Chillax, Yoochun. I’m not the idiot you make me out to be.” He takes out his thin wallet and pulls out several square, silver packets. “We’re using these, and we’re using two each in case one breaks. So we’re safe, okay. It lessens the sensation but it’s good enough, we’ll probably won’t last long anyways since it’s our first times.”
Yoochun’s head is throbbing now, bewildered. “How do you even know all these things?”
“I told you, I’m not an idiot. There’s a thing called research, y’know.” Jaejoong places the two packets of condom in his hands and grins before approaching the old hag that’s waiting near a stairwell in an alley.
Yoochun doesn’t have a choice but follow.
“I could handle the both of you at the same time,” She says in a matter-of-factly as if talking about the distance between the Earth and the moon. “But that would cost you.”
Jaejoong throws a look at Yoochun, actually waiting for a response and he wonders how Jaejoong could be so calm about being inside a real live brothel.
“I think I’ll pass. I’ll just wait in the hall.” Yoochun answers, trying to hand the condoms back.
“Oh, picky. Too bad.” She shrugs, setting down her purse, before eyeing the condoms, “You could keep those, just in case you change your mind.”
Yoochun leaves the dingy room, closing the door behind him, in sudden need of a drag. He leans his back on a bare (unmoldy) part of the wall, takes a stick out, lights it up, and inhales a lungful. Just when he puffs out the first smoke, a door a few feet across him burst open, a man with only boxers on gets pushed out. Strings of profanities are exchanged, a few hundred-thousand won bills are thrown. The man leaves, clutching his clothes before calling out, “Bitch!” and receives the finger in return.
He hears a stifled sob coming from the hooker before being snapped at for looking and smoking. “Whatcha looking at, boy? First time seein’ a hooker cryin’?” Yoochun shakes his head politely, unable to say anything back. “Go take yer smoke somewhere else, it ain’t allowed here.” He’s about to walk out but realizes there were bills near his foot and picks them up and the rest. He hands them to her and couldn’t help but notice the fresh cigarette burns on her exposed arm.
“The guy’s a bastard. Should’ve known his limits.” He says, which made her look up in surprise. And he realizes she’s not that bad-looking, probably around her twenties. She has brown eyes, long lashes and a high nose.
“Who yer talkin’ about?”
“That guy who burned your arms. The one yelling earlier.”
She laughs but it sounded bitter, “The guy earlier wanna take me up the ass, said no. These burns, my boyfriend did ‘em.”
“Then both of them are bastards.” He takes a subconscious drag as he returns the smile given to him.
“Yer age?” She asks, real curiosity spelled on her features.
“Doesn’t matter. I don’t have the cash to buy your services.”
She smiles and nods, stealing away his stick to take a drag as well, “I do pro-bono.”
Yoochun ends up using both condoms Jaejoong gave him, but is never going to admit about being too early. Their manager was furious the next day, and both were GTFN - grounded till further notice - like they all weren’t already since day one. The sleeping arrangements were also changed (also till further notice) into Jaejoong, Yunho and the Manager in one, Changmin on his own (bad sleeping habits are to blame) and Junsu and Yoochun in the last.
“How did it feel?” Junsu asks him wide-eyed and beet-red the third night of being roommates.
“It’s hard to explain.”
“Is it the same as when you’re, uh… alone?”
Yoochun shakes his head, “No, it just might be the best experience you’ll ever get.” He later discovers in life, something is much, much better.
THREE…
We’re running all the red lights as if we’re supposed to
Breaking every law as if we’d never get caught
Loving wholeheartedly as if we’d never get hurt.
Hey, Yoochun, that sounds like you!
No.
Yes.
Nuh-uh.
Uh-huh.
What are we talking about?
What are you talking about?
What?
Whut?
*headdesk*
*pokes* Yoochun?
*pokes too* I think you killed Yoochunnie.
Where the fuck did you come from?
*not moving*
*dolphin squeak* I iz Ninja and you killed Chunnie…
…A-And I’m telliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!!!
Their first kiss happened about a year after debut. It was out of curiosity like most of the things they’ve done, and of course not completely sober.
Yoochun had tagged along with Jaejoong that night, not because he insisted on it but because Jaejoong let him. He doesn’t mind not being the center of attention around Jaejoong’s circle of friends, doesn’t care that they might feel his intruding. He just wanted to be there, to breathe, and feel like any other normal person would. Now that they’re at the top, he often misses the times he doesn’t have to watch out for what he says and does every single damn time. And being with Jaejoong, is like that.
Jaejoong bursts out in laughter, covering his mouth with his hand like he always does and snapping Yoochun out of his momentary trance. “You’re fucking crazy!” He tells Hyunjoong who’s nodding and smiling in agreement.
“I just wanted to know how it felt like. A lot of fans seem to do it,” Hyunjoong gulps down a shot of soju, making that ‘kkkk’ sound in his throat. “Don’t tell me you weren’t at the very least curious. You’ve read them right?”
“Yeah, I’ve read them but not in the world would I write one!” Jaejoong takes a shot himself. “You even wrote a bed scene!”
“You did what?!” Yoochun sputters, finally catching on.
“What? Higher ratings usually attract readers.” Hyunjoong defends impassively.
“You obviously have too much time in your hands.” Jaejoong mutters, finishing the bottle by pouring all three of them some.
“It’s just a oneshot. And I topped.”
Yoochun’s brain have gone haywire at the image of the guy in front of him, humping on another guy. Boylovin’ is not really his cup of tea.
The night drones on, with conversations and confessions only they could understand, living with all of the nation’s eyes on them. It was around three in the morning did their drivers show up to get them back to the confines of their apartments.
Yoochun plops down his bed on his stomach as soon as he reached his own bed, too drunk and tired to even change. He grunts as he feels Jaejoong crash beside him, also too drunk and tired to change. “Yah, your bed’s over there.” Yoochun slurs pathetically, unable to put the stress and emotion needed.
“But it’s so faaaaar…” Jaejoong mumbles, not bothering to move at all.
“It’s just right there!” Yoochun manages to turn over on his back, pointing at the other bed two feet away.
“But that means I have to move. And I don’t wanna.” Jaejoong was still not moving from his spot on Yoochun’s bed, eyes drifting a close.
“Geez… What a lazy hyung. Hyunjoong seems to be a bad influence.” Yoochun rolls onto his side, not really caring.
Jaejoong lifts his head to look at Yoochun, eyes blankly staring like he does when he’s thinking. And Yoochun gets worried because nothing good usually comes after Jaejoong’s ‘rational’ thinking. “I’m curious about one thing, though.” Especially when he gets curious. No good. Nuh-uh.
“Don’t tell me you’re going to write fanfics too.” Yoochun mumbles with eyes closed.
“Of course not, stupid.” He feels Jaejoong shift but his eyes refused to open and see. “I was wondering how it’d feel to, you know… with a guy.” He stops and that snaps Yoochun’s eyes wide open. Widest they’ve been all his life.
“Oh, please, don’t tell me you’re thinking about doing that…” Yoochun speaks in horror before adding, “…with a guy.”
“No, silly!” A wave of relief flows through Yoochun, exhaling and realizing he was holding his breath. “Just a kiss. No biggie,” Jaejoong smiles his flirt smile and Yoochun almost stumbles out of bed in shock.
“W-what??? W-why a-are you l-looking at me l-like that?!” He stutters, “I’m s-straight!”
Jaejoong laughs, inching his face closer, “All the more reason to be okay with it. I won’t bite… hard.” He leans in and Yoochun’s heart is throbbing against his chest until he couldn’t take it any longer and rolls out of bed.
“Jaejoong, what the fuck?!”
“It’s just a kiss, okay. We only have to do it once. You gotta be curious too. Unless, of course,” Jaejoong grins mischievously, “unless you’ve done it before.”
“Of course not!” Yoochun grits, fisting his hands.
“Then what are you bitching about?” Jaejoong is beginning to flare up too.
“Argh, FINE! Just once to shut you up!” Yoochun sits back to his original spot earlier. “Once, okay?”
“Okay,” Jaejoong nods, leans and stops when Yoochun spoke again.
“No tongues.”
“No tongues.” Jaejoong repeats and closes the distance. Yoochun’s heart skip five full beats.
The kiss was wholesome, slow, full of massaging, a few teeth, little sucking and no tongues as promised. Something Yoochun regrets asking for in the first place as they break off, leaving him a bit breathless and lightheaded.
“Hmmm…” Jaejoong mumbles softly almost inaudibly, eyebrows furrowing as he moved to his own bed.
“Hmm, what?” Yoochun tries to keep his even, his ears deafened by the harsh beating of his heart.
Jaejoong sinks into his covers before answering, “It’s not that different from kissing a girl.”
Yoochun isn’t sure whether to feel insecure, insulted or hurt. He decides to sleep it off, sleep the dangerously fast heart rate, and the urge to do it again more than once.
Jaejoong cooks breakfast for everyone like normal the next day, traces of last night’s activities erased except for the mild hangover and yearning underneath Yoochun’s chest that no amount of sleep could ever sleep off.
TWO…
‘If I could wish upon tomorrow
Tonight would never end
If you asked me I would follow
But for now I’ll just pretend
If anyone can make me fall in love…’
‘…you can.’
Again, for what seemed like the umpteenth time, their manager hyung flipped. Actually more of somersaulted to insanity due to rage. They were breaking all the rules, going against everything what they were told to. Their image, so pure and immaculate as the Virgin Mary (Do not question, 800, 000 people says so), will be shattered.
And shit, they can’t even bring themselves to care. Not because they somehow lost their dreams along the way, no they still got them, they just needed to announce to everyone that it’s still their lives, it’s still their bodies, and they have the every right to whatever they want with it.
Their excuse: ‘No one said we couldn’t.’
Manager hyung’s counter-excuse: ‘We thought it was given! And Yoochun, you’re supposed to be afraid of needles!!!!!’
Their counterattack to the very good counter-excuse: A unified shrug.
Tattoos.
Yup, you read right.
They both got them. From the same tattooist, almost at the same time and almost the same design. But for two slightly different reasons. Jaejoong got his first as a memento of what they’ve come to be and what they will be. A representation of their perpetual bond, etched to the very core of their souls. Something, not even their management, could erase or alter. Something he gets to keep on him forever. Because that’s simply how he is, he needs something to hold on to, something to assure him he won’t lose everything when he had to lose.
Yoochun, on the other hand, had a different reason in mind. His was a reminder of who he is and who he cannot be. It’s a mnemonic of the masks they have to wear, the eyes - that although not seen by his own - will be there, watching, criticizing. Something that would help him hold back, remind him the reason why he even has too. Because that’s how he is, he needs something that would let him know he hasn’t flown up too high, something that could tell him he won’t be crashing that hard when he had to fall.
“Thanks, Min,” Yoochun mutters as he pulls down his shirt gently.
“Sure, hyung.” Changmin nods as he sits down on the toilet seat cover, eyeing the bump on Yoochun’s shirt caused by the few layers of bandages he helped change.
Yoochun smiles as he catches Changmin staring at his back with that look on his face - the one where they all know all the screws in his head are turning. “Are you wondering why we did it?”
Changmin shakes his head, “I already know.”
“You do?” Yoochun takes a step back in surprise.
Changmin nods, his eyes telling Yoochun that he really does know, “Jaejoong-hyung got it because he’s Jaejoong hyung and he does things like that. He needs to be erratic and have something fixed, stable. Like a tattoo.”
“And me?” Yoochun asks, suddenly curious.
“You got it because Jaejoong-hyung got one.”
Yoochun wasn’t sure what to make out of that (since that is partly the reason why he did it too) but he sees in Changmin’s face that he knows a lot more than he knew himself (or what he’s willing to admit he knows).
“I just didn’t know you could love that much.”
Yoochun was left in the bathroom, face buried in his hands. “Shit… I’m in love with Jaejoong.”
ONE…
‘Do you catch a breath when I look at you?
Are you holding back like the way I do?
Cause I’ve tried and tried to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away.’
It was his fault. Well, not completely, yes, but unbeknownst to most, he is partly. It was just shortly after they had their tattoos, only fresh from the claws of grounding. They were already being threatened of being replaced, being extracted and thrown to the bottomless pit of “ex-members”. And yet here they go again, causing a ruckus that could diminish not just theirs but the rest’s careers.
It was because Yoochun had to open his big fat mouth. Everything was all fine and dandy for the dandy boy and his crew (Changmin will so kill him for that) but he just had to speak up, with the major influence of alcohol to back him up, and say everything without thinking. And what was meant by everything, you might ask? It means EVERYTHING.
1. That he regrets being part of this band, because if he wasn’t, there might be the slightest chance that he could be with the one he loves.
2. That, then again, when he thinks about it, he’s also thankful for this band that brought him where he learned to love, actually love. And believe that if he does get it, it might last, unlike the fate of his parents’ love.
3. Also that he’s so fucking confused about everything, whether he’s contented about being with Jaejoong right here, right now or he’s miserable and in despair that even though Jaejoong’s right next to him he’s still as unreachable as he would be if he was just a bystander.
“You’re kidding me right?” Jaejoong mumbles, eyes half grinning half scared. And nothing scared him - except coke (the soda, not the drugs), but that’s a whole new different story.
Yoochun gulps down the last few swallows of soju in their fifth bottle. “I fucking wish I am.”
That’s all he needed to say for Jaejoong to storm out of the room, in need of escape. Has to go, away and out to make sure the rest of the world is still the same. Not like in their living room where their floorboards seem to have shifted, their light suddenly too dim, the air indescribably too tight, the room too small to fit both of them, Yoochun and him, in one place. He needs a chance to breathe as if he’s holding his breath since forever.
He goes to the Han River, dark and deserted. Exactly the way he hoped it would be. The waters look dark, a bluish-black, as still as the starless sky over his head. He lets his thoughts fly, soar high up and ahead where his physical body could not reach. He replays memories from before, slightly overwhelmed upon the realization they shared so much, their laughter and tears, their aches and grins. It would be a waste to let those all go. But he’s unsure if taking things higher towards unexplored territory would save their friendship or if it would deface it even more. He swallows down the bitter contents of the bottle in one go.
His manager was the first to come over (as expected), and Jaejoong could swear by the heavens above and that annoyingly thick moustache of the plump officer sitting on a desk that he hasn’t seen their manager this wrecked. A man of thirty-two and already looking like he’s ready to retire, with his sparse gray hairs more visible, the wrinkles around his eyes that used to give the impression of wisdom reflects exhaustion instead.
Despite the silence in the police station, he was well aware of the frantic phone calls his company was making, the on-going ‘negotiations’ to the press, the unabashed curses being thrown at him (hearing them as clear as being yelled at right in his ear). He knows all these as he fiddles with his fingers, looking down at them as intently as Junsu would while watching the crucial final seconds before a goal. Even the despair is similar when he finds out he misses that goal. Big time. Whatever that goal was. He knew he messed up. Fucked up like he could ever imagine. But he has other things in mind, things that hold more weight than they should, things that could probably leave two hearts broken beyond repair.
Jaejoong was let go soon after (it took more or less an hour), his borrowed car nowhere to be found which was probably driven back to the house. That means only one thing, he has to go home with the manager.
They walk silently back to the lot, his eyes boring to the ground. He is guilty, guilty of more than a DUI, oh much much more. He halts just before he opens the car door, his feet unable to take anymore steps before he gets this thing out of his chest.
“What? Are you getting or what?” His manager grits, irritation stressed in every syllable uttered.
“I’m sorry, hyung. I’m so sorry, hyung. This will be the last. I’m sorry.” His lips trembles at his guilt, unsure if he deserves to be forgiven.
Their manager nods, “Just get in.” Was his tired reply.
Jaejoong pulls open the door and sees Yoochun, sitting there, watching him with eyes full of worry and sadness. He climbs up avoiding the painful gaze, closes the door and feels Yoochun move further away towards the other side of the car that made him feel he’s a leper. He sees Yoochun’s hands curled in fists, his knees tightly pressed together, his whole body attached to the side like gravity gone wrong. He watches Yoochun from the rearview mirror, dark circles deep beneath the tired, agonized eyes and the unmistakable glistening on his paled cheeks.
Jaejoong tears his eyes away towards the window, onto the streets that sounded more appealing than where he sits, unable to take the sight anymore. Sorry. He whispers the same time a sad, lone tear escapes.
INFINITY…
The moment when we are filled up with the sparkling sound,
we will be able to forget all the sorrow.
Melody and harmony.
You are always by my side,
giving me courage and hope.
Thank you, thank you forever.
You and I, with these glittering feelings,
You taught me how to support each other
to watch over each other,
and that I’m not lonely.
Oh, the unmistakable putrid smell of sweat, strong and vicious, reaches their nostrils once again as the stage lifts, revealing the packed dome. Screams and applause rang in their ears as the song begins to play, their song. They both begin to sing, really sing, their voices welding like adjoining metal only sweeter, more vivid, intertwining with one another.
Right now, somewhere,
Someone is in pain
Is feeling lonely
And unable to sleep at night.
Memories are flashing before their eyes, how they managed to get through, saving a friendship and a love that was almost lost. New scars of a new horizon fading, paling in comparison to the old wounds that used to run deep which had finally mended and healed. They sing.
For that heart,
Until the light can shine on that heart
Let’s get together so that we can sleep
Like a melody and harmony in love.
They’ve come so far, the times of their immature and thoughtless night-outs so distant, almost surreal. It was now their time, the goal they’ve been struggling to reach for the past few years. It’s their song so they sing.
The love that piled up is riding on the melody,
I want to continue conveying that love forever and ever.
Forever and ever.
Starting from here.
It’s their song and in a wisp of notes and words they sealed a chapter. Ended it with the colors of melody and harmony. And so they start their new infinity. In love.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
it's four o' clock in the morning and i think i'm dead... or dreaming. whatever.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz............ oh shoot, credits, right... got the colors~ melody and harmony lyrics from dbsg by linhkawaii.. ^^
song lyrics i used: breaking free (hsm), you can & crush (david archuleta).. ^^
criticisms and comments are always, always welcome!.. even if i don't get the chance to reply, comments keeps me going.. ^^