(no subject)
well, its been a long time since i last updated. everything is good with me and the baby. he (or she, but i think its a he) is healthy and growing well. i'm showing a little bit. gettin CHUNKY lol ... morning sickness is gone but my tiredness isnt.
emotionaly, i am a mess.
i'm not looking for sympathy with this post.. but the thoughts running through my head are driving me nuts. i know i need to talk to matthew.. but i cant. not right now anyway. he's at nicole's school. which was a lowblow. i thought i was making progress with him leaving her. i guess not. but a choice needs to be made. soon. i cant keep crying. wondering what is going to happen. i dont want him to be with her. and if he does stay with her, i'm sorry but he can't have the relationship he wants with his child. i dont want her around me and the baby everyday. i've dealt with it enough. i want to be happy about this baby and when she's around i am miserable. which i hope is understandable. i dont want my child having 2 "mommy's" from the time he is born. i know i will always be mommy. but i dont want her of all people being a major part of MY kid's life yanno? and it cant keep going like it is him jumping between the two of us.
he's living with me. hes with me ALL the time during the week. but when nicole comes home, hes with her. and it fucks with me, yanno? i dont want my kid growing up seeing that. him being affectionate with me, sleeping with me, being with me. and then when nicole is around he pays no attention to me, and is affectionate with her. its not right, and i dont want my kid growing up thinking that it is. he will not be a matt jr. sorry. and if it is a girl, i dont want her to think its okay to let guys do that. i dont wanna have to explain the complicated situation. i dont wanna deal with it
he told me he was gonna tell nicole he couldnt marry her. but i dont see him taking that step anytime soon. so i'm gonna make him. he has til valentines day to make a choice. and if he doesn't... well i dont know what im going to do. i dont have the strength for this anymore. i'm not strong enough to deal with this. my mother fuckin cries over this situation all the time.. she doesnt wanna see me hurting like this. and i cant take hurting like this...
the pain swallows me whole. it really does. i try and stay strong but i cant help but cry.
things are going so well with him! we lay down and cuddle for hours. we talk all the time, we laugh, talk about the future... he told me one day we're gonna get married. we talk about having more kids. and unless he leaves her that cant happen... i just..
i wish i understood him. i really do =[
emotionaly, i am a mess.
i'm not looking for sympathy with this post.. but the thoughts running through my head are driving me nuts. i know i need to talk to matthew.. but i cant. not right now anyway. he's at nicole's school. which was a lowblow. i thought i was making progress with him leaving her. i guess not. but a choice needs to be made. soon. i cant keep crying. wondering what is going to happen. i dont want him to be with her. and if he does stay with her, i'm sorry but he can't have the relationship he wants with his child. i dont want her around me and the baby everyday. i've dealt with it enough. i want to be happy about this baby and when she's around i am miserable. which i hope is understandable. i dont want my child having 2 "mommy's" from the time he is born. i know i will always be mommy. but i dont want her of all people being a major part of MY kid's life yanno? and it cant keep going like it is him jumping between the two of us.
he's living with me. hes with me ALL the time during the week. but when nicole comes home, hes with her. and it fucks with me, yanno? i dont want my kid growing up seeing that. him being affectionate with me, sleeping with me, being with me. and then when nicole is around he pays no attention to me, and is affectionate with her. its not right, and i dont want my kid growing up thinking that it is. he will not be a matt jr. sorry. and if it is a girl, i dont want her to think its okay to let guys do that. i dont wanna have to explain the complicated situation. i dont wanna deal with it
he told me he was gonna tell nicole he couldnt marry her. but i dont see him taking that step anytime soon. so i'm gonna make him. he has til valentines day to make a choice. and if he doesn't... well i dont know what im going to do. i dont have the strength for this anymore. i'm not strong enough to deal with this. my mother fuckin cries over this situation all the time.. she doesnt wanna see me hurting like this. and i cant take hurting like this...
the pain swallows me whole. it really does. i try and stay strong but i cant help but cry.
things are going so well with him! we lay down and cuddle for hours. we talk all the time, we laugh, talk about the future... he told me one day we're gonna get married. we talk about having more kids. and unless he leaves her that cant happen... i just..
i wish i understood him. i really do =[