Now You Know
well here i am and its half past 3... i should be sleeping but i can't. too much on my mind i suppose...
*sighs* Samhain is supposed to be a time of happiness and celebration for me...but this year it wasn't.
This year i pulsed my hair blood red (that Loreal Color Pulse 'Funky Purple' goes a beautiful blood red on me)and i bought a bit of jewelry and a pair of nice jeans and got my nails done...and i went out with a wheeze... aka wooooooooooooooooooo(sarcasm dripping here people)
i've discovered that i hate being me more than i thought. i hate that i settle for things...i hate that i'm afraid of being alone...and i mostly hate the fact that i started smoking again 4 months ago.
i used to think that love was some stupid feeling in your gut that you just cant get rid of... well its not. love is the single most painful thing in this life. memories come in second.
i miss intimacy.
not sex...just intimacy. sharing my secrets and feelings with someone i love and trust...and having him there to hold me and make me forget everything else...i need that again...i had it once...i miss it.
so here i sit alone and cold in this room and i'm ready to cry but too strong to cry. i wish i could go back in time and live my childhood again...before i had cancer and before i was sick at all...i would do so many things differently...and Chris i know you're reading this...one of the things i'd do differently... i would have stayed in BC. i'm sorry.
i decided awhile ago that i couldn't stay here. i'm so unhappy here that its starting to scare me. i understand you have family here...i don't... well i have blood family but to me they aren't family. my family are people like Grunnar and Ingrid and Aunt Sable and Uncle Erin and Randal and Rose. You've heard me talk a million times at least...of Todd and Becca and Tanya...it took me so long to find Todd...i don't want to lose him again. i'm in love with him. and becca...she makes me wish i could've been her mother or sister... i love her so much...like she really was my daughter...
*sighs softly*
i'm gonna go now...perhaps i'll write again...after i've cried...
*sighs* Samhain is supposed to be a time of happiness and celebration for me...but this year it wasn't.
This year i pulsed my hair blood red (that Loreal Color Pulse 'Funky Purple' goes a beautiful blood red on me)and i bought a bit of jewelry and a pair of nice jeans and got my nails done...and i went out with a wheeze... aka wooooooooooooooooooo(sarcasm dripping here people)
i've discovered that i hate being me more than i thought. i hate that i settle for things...i hate that i'm afraid of being alone...and i mostly hate the fact that i started smoking again 4 months ago.
i used to think that love was some stupid feeling in your gut that you just cant get rid of... well its not. love is the single most painful thing in this life. memories come in second.
i miss intimacy.
not sex...just intimacy. sharing my secrets and feelings with someone i love and trust...and having him there to hold me and make me forget everything else...i need that again...i had it once...i miss it.
so here i sit alone and cold in this room and i'm ready to cry but too strong to cry. i wish i could go back in time and live my childhood again...before i had cancer and before i was sick at all...i would do so many things differently...and Chris i know you're reading this...one of the things i'd do differently... i would have stayed in BC. i'm sorry.
i decided awhile ago that i couldn't stay here. i'm so unhappy here that its starting to scare me. i understand you have family here...i don't... well i have blood family but to me they aren't family. my family are people like Grunnar and Ingrid and Aunt Sable and Uncle Erin and Randal and Rose. You've heard me talk a million times at least...of Todd and Becca and Tanya...it took me so long to find Todd...i don't want to lose him again. i'm in love with him. and becca...she makes me wish i could've been her mother or sister... i love her so much...like she really was my daughter...
*sighs softly*
i'm gonna go now...perhaps i'll write again...after i've cried...