Just needing to get it out and down... probably shouldn't read.
I'm crazy right now, I really do feel like I'm going crazy. I've been depressed before. I've had mood swings before, but nothing like I'm going through right now. If people ask me if i'm okay/will be okay, of course I say yes. I'm always okay. It's just the state I've always operated from. I'm not some delicate, wilting wallflower who is unstable or not okay. I'm strong, I'm fine with change, and challenges, and moving all over the world whenever I need.
But I'm starting to think I'm really not okay. I've cried at least a dozen times over the last few days. I can't sleep at night no matter what I try. So increased exhaustion as each day goes past, and working over 60 hours last week and 50 hours this week, is probably contributing to my going a bit insane. But I have to work as many hours as I can get now, because it's all independent contractor work and I never know when the hours will dry up, even though I'm a manager and I'm overseeing the set up for -all- events at the Berkeley Church Heritage Events Center. Events slow down in November, much less the deadness that it will be come January and February. What will I do for work then? I have to work the hours now.
To top it all off, I finally heard back about my work permit. I got a one year work visa to canada that specifically says on it, "maximum time limit of one year, no extentions/alterations permitted". So, I'm probably out of Canada again in one year. There are some small bits of recourse I have considering this. To get my landed immigrancy through the Skilled Worker program (the only one I qualify for other than should I get married to someone) I need one year full time work experience in a management level position or higher. This also includes being self employeed/managing my own company. So...if I manage to stick it out with Berkeley and survive the no work times/the 50 hour work weeks for two months in a row, I could start applying for my landed immigrancy the moment the work permit runs out.
The issue is, it takes around 2 years for a landed immigrant application to go through. And they won't always give you a work permit to stay while you're waiting. So, even if I'd keep killing myself working at this place, there's no promise I could stay in Canada. Not to mention all my fears of failing their physicals, etc, to even get in the country. And marriage is the other recourse. I really don't see that happening any time soon. I don't have time to even go on a single date with the guy I'm seeing, much less progress the relationship further.
So, chances are, next August, I have to leave Canada. My work permit expires on my birthday, what a bitch. And then I'm back to square one. Back to the same place I was in my life 7 years ago, but with a bit more experience under my belt, and a lot more age and stress. Therefore, I think I need to look at leaving Toronto before I waste more of my life up here.
Not to mention, I'm not happy here. I feel the outcast in almost everything I do. I don't fit in at work. The Cam tolerates me at best. I spend time with my friends, which are pretty much only cammies, and I feel mocked or attacked on all fronts. The only character I enjoy playing is a joke with the entire game in the city, so even my one relaxing hobby has become filled with stress and defensiveness for the one thing I was happy with/having a fun time with in my life. I don't know how to redeem my character or myself among these people and so all I want to do is curl up alone in my room. If I can't talk to anyone without feeling attacked, I won't talk to anyone at all. I feel proud of one or two simple things and all they come to is jeering and disregard. I can't be proud of anything these days, much less myself.
So, I guess there are lots of reasons I'm not okay. I just dont know how to fix it. How to fix any of it. And that's the worst feeling. That's what has me in tears here again, the sheer feeling of helplessness. I'm going no where with my life and it feels like the only way to make any sort of progress is to give up on my dream of Canada and this city and start back from square one. Again. Not that it's even really my dream any more. I've ceased to really want anything in life. I don't want to do theatre. I don't want to stay in Canada. I don't want to get married or see my friends. I don't want to do anything but take a long vacation far away from here and forget everything. And that won't help things either.
But I'm starting to think I'm really not okay. I've cried at least a dozen times over the last few days. I can't sleep at night no matter what I try. So increased exhaustion as each day goes past, and working over 60 hours last week and 50 hours this week, is probably contributing to my going a bit insane. But I have to work as many hours as I can get now, because it's all independent contractor work and I never know when the hours will dry up, even though I'm a manager and I'm overseeing the set up for -all- events at the Berkeley Church Heritage Events Center. Events slow down in November, much less the deadness that it will be come January and February. What will I do for work then? I have to work the hours now.
To top it all off, I finally heard back about my work permit. I got a one year work visa to canada that specifically says on it, "maximum time limit of one year, no extentions/alterations permitted". So, I'm probably out of Canada again in one year. There are some small bits of recourse I have considering this. To get my landed immigrancy through the Skilled Worker program (the only one I qualify for other than should I get married to someone) I need one year full time work experience in a management level position or higher. This also includes being self employeed/managing my own company. So...if I manage to stick it out with Berkeley and survive the no work times/the 50 hour work weeks for two months in a row, I could start applying for my landed immigrancy the moment the work permit runs out.
The issue is, it takes around 2 years for a landed immigrant application to go through. And they won't always give you a work permit to stay while you're waiting. So, even if I'd keep killing myself working at this place, there's no promise I could stay in Canada. Not to mention all my fears of failing their physicals, etc, to even get in the country. And marriage is the other recourse. I really don't see that happening any time soon. I don't have time to even go on a single date with the guy I'm seeing, much less progress the relationship further.
So, chances are, next August, I have to leave Canada. My work permit expires on my birthday, what a bitch. And then I'm back to square one. Back to the same place I was in my life 7 years ago, but with a bit more experience under my belt, and a lot more age and stress. Therefore, I think I need to look at leaving Toronto before I waste more of my life up here.
Not to mention, I'm not happy here. I feel the outcast in almost everything I do. I don't fit in at work. The Cam tolerates me at best. I spend time with my friends, which are pretty much only cammies, and I feel mocked or attacked on all fronts. The only character I enjoy playing is a joke with the entire game in the city, so even my one relaxing hobby has become filled with stress and defensiveness for the one thing I was happy with/having a fun time with in my life. I don't know how to redeem my character or myself among these people and so all I want to do is curl up alone in my room. If I can't talk to anyone without feeling attacked, I won't talk to anyone at all. I feel proud of one or two simple things and all they come to is jeering and disregard. I can't be proud of anything these days, much less myself.
So, I guess there are lots of reasons I'm not okay. I just dont know how to fix it. How to fix any of it. And that's the worst feeling. That's what has me in tears here again, the sheer feeling of helplessness. I'm going no where with my life and it feels like the only way to make any sort of progress is to give up on my dream of Canada and this city and start back from square one. Again. Not that it's even really my dream any more. I've ceased to really want anything in life. I don't want to do theatre. I don't want to stay in Canada. I don't want to get married or see my friends. I don't want to do anything but take a long vacation far away from here and forget everything. And that won't help things either.