what exactly am i doing?
UGHHH
I'm trying to write the lyrics for this song and it is really not working out. It was so clear last week and now there's nothing. I'm so frustrated.
Jordan is home now. He got here on Sunday. And yesterday he woke up with the flu and had been miserable most of the time. I try to take care of him but now I just don't know what to do. Yesterday was fine because I felt bad for him and I wanted to make him feel better so I cooked for him and did whatever he wanted me to for him. I got him to get out of bed and eat and watch Samurai Jack with me. But today I am just done. I don't know what to do. Last night was so awkward because he was miserable and had a fever and didn't want me to even touch him. How exactly can I help when I'm not allowed to do anything? I felt totally useless. So today I'm done. He's moody and I just don't want to deal with it. I have my own shit to worry about right now.
So this morning he wanted to sleep in really late so I went to the living room to work on my new song. The shitty thing about working on my music is that I have to do it on Jordan's computer because he has the MIDI keyboard and Reason hooked up. Since it's all on his computer, I can only work on my music (things other than playing guitar and writing lyrics) when he is either asleep or not home. So when I finally got him out of bed (past noon and he had gone to bed at 8pm) I had to give up the computer. I got him up, played him my song, went to the bathroom, and when I came back he was on the computer. So that was the end of that. So then I tried to work on the lyrics with my guitar and it just hasn't been working.
I have the concept for this song but other than that the words aren't really coming. It's not there. And when I do get something it just sounds weird. Or emo. Just dumb. This song is supposed to be about ME but meanwhile my mind is thinking about everything and everyone else.
Today after I went to the store because he wanted yogurt, we ended up watching at Tegan and Sara DVD which was basically them puting together their "The Con" album. It was really cool to watch and I started thinking about how I wish I could write like them and make cool music and blah blah. I started thinking about where I want to go with this music thing and how serious I want to get with it. I really don't know right now. I just want to make music. What happens after that doesn't really matter to me. I'm not out to be famous. I just want to be able to express myself. Because obviously I am bad at vocalizing my feelings any other way. But even now it seems like poetry is lost. Lyrics are lost. I write a song maybe every 6 months? This is no way to live. I thought this was my passion. Now that I don't have such a shitty life, what do I have to sing about? It isn't as easy. But yes I do still have drama. Just not the same kind and I don't know how to talk about it other than these stupid journal entries. Gosh I am so sporadic.
No I am not apologizing for this long entry because, well, it's really not for you. I'm tired of my life being about everybody else but me. It is my life after all. I should be controlling it. Step one: go outside, even if you have to go alone.
I'm trying to write the lyrics for this song and it is really not working out. It was so clear last week and now there's nothing. I'm so frustrated.
Jordan is home now. He got here on Sunday. And yesterday he woke up with the flu and had been miserable most of the time. I try to take care of him but now I just don't know what to do. Yesterday was fine because I felt bad for him and I wanted to make him feel better so I cooked for him and did whatever he wanted me to for him. I got him to get out of bed and eat and watch Samurai Jack with me. But today I am just done. I don't know what to do. Last night was so awkward because he was miserable and had a fever and didn't want me to even touch him. How exactly can I help when I'm not allowed to do anything? I felt totally useless. So today I'm done. He's moody and I just don't want to deal with it. I have my own shit to worry about right now.
So this morning he wanted to sleep in really late so I went to the living room to work on my new song. The shitty thing about working on my music is that I have to do it on Jordan's computer because he has the MIDI keyboard and Reason hooked up. Since it's all on his computer, I can only work on my music (things other than playing guitar and writing lyrics) when he is either asleep or not home. So when I finally got him out of bed (past noon and he had gone to bed at 8pm) I had to give up the computer. I got him up, played him my song, went to the bathroom, and when I came back he was on the computer. So that was the end of that. So then I tried to work on the lyrics with my guitar and it just hasn't been working.
I have the concept for this song but other than that the words aren't really coming. It's not there. And when I do get something it just sounds weird. Or emo. Just dumb. This song is supposed to be about ME but meanwhile my mind is thinking about everything and everyone else.
Today after I went to the store because he wanted yogurt, we ended up watching at Tegan and Sara DVD which was basically them puting together their "The Con" album. It was really cool to watch and I started thinking about how I wish I could write like them and make cool music and blah blah. I started thinking about where I want to go with this music thing and how serious I want to get with it. I really don't know right now. I just want to make music. What happens after that doesn't really matter to me. I'm not out to be famous. I just want to be able to express myself. Because obviously I am bad at vocalizing my feelings any other way. But even now it seems like poetry is lost. Lyrics are lost. I write a song maybe every 6 months? This is no way to live. I thought this was my passion. Now that I don't have such a shitty life, what do I have to sing about? It isn't as easy. But yes I do still have drama. Just not the same kind and I don't know how to talk about it other than these stupid journal entries. Gosh I am so sporadic.
No I am not apologizing for this long entry because, well, it's really not for you. I'm tired of my life being about everybody else but me. It is my life after all. I should be controlling it. Step one: go outside, even if you have to go alone.