(32)
gosh. i wanna kill myself. i hate my life. so much shit is going on. i foundout that when i was with my sister (i didnt go to my dads for the weekend cuz i wanted to hang out with my sis cuz we never get to hang out anymore) well my stepmom and my dad were talking shit about how they are pissed off cuz i dont go over there anymore and saying crap about me and david. i hate it. why cant everyone just let me like him? leave me the hell alone about it?? i just dont know anymore. i like david soooo fucking much. i feel like hes just teasing me though. i hate this. i just want him to call me his girlfriend. i want him to tell me again that he loves me, id kill for him to say those three words again. i was thinking about it last night and a week from today will be 2 months since ive seen him. i mean, id give up EVERYTHING to be with him. i cant help it. i feel so confused. and hurt. i feel like im simply a toy in this huge world. nothing is real anymore. this is hell. a hell ive created for myself for falling for him knowing that he wont have me for more than a good friend with some benefits, and for letting my heart lead me instead of my mind. i think i really love him and it hurts so bad to know that he doesnt love me back. im pitiful and oh so childish. i cried all night last night and am crying now as i think back at all our little conversations and those 3 times we hung out. i want that again. i want to see him, i wanna taste him, i want him to be my first. i wanna lose it all with him. ive wanted it for so long. people dont understand me. no one really knows me anymore. i dont even know me anymore and honestly, i dont want to. nothings working out for me, its all gone downhill. i want to die. gosh.. theres nothing anyone can or would try to do to help me. im lost already, im walking down the long dark road trying to find my way out but i know there is no way out. im sorry. please dont hate me. i just wanted to be perfect and have him. im just not good enough.. as usual. im never good enough. im not pretty enough. im not smart enough. im not funny enough. im not skinn enough. its like everyones telling me to be like her. im so sorry but i cant be, and i never will be. please, accept me. someone love me. i need someone.