(16)

Feb 15, 2005 12:27

good lord almighty i need to start updating more. lol this is only my 16th enrty. thats rediculouse. maybe its cuz ive been so busy lately. well i talked to David last night and things didnt go so smooth. some valentines day. we fought the whole night. i creid so hard because he thinks hes a horrible person and said we need a break because he feels like hes leading me on and that it isnt fair to me. i hate that so bad. i fucking love him and i feel like theres nothing i can do to change anything. hes my best friend and i dont want him to leave me. i need him so bad. he has no clue. but i cut myself last night. dont tell anyone. im only posting it on her cuz i feel like i can trust you guys not to say anything. ive been having to hide my wrist all day, i think my mom saw it this morning but i hope not. i had like 2 hits on my cigarette left last night and i took em in my room. lmao i was spazzing out cuz my mom walked in when i was spraying the air freshener. she was like what are you doing??? i was like my room smells like smoke from my purse when i went to heathers cuz her mom smokes. it was soo funny. but i talked to joey last night, i was crying so hard when i called him. its not even funny. david hurt me so bad its unbelieveable. i love him so much and hes too blind to see that. he said we will still be friends and thats the level we should keep it at for right now. is just friends. its fucking killing me inside because i cant think about JUST FRIENDS! i hate it. i know its not that big of a deal, but it actually is. gosh i hope heather is at school today cuz i need to smoke REALLY bad. im gonna go insane if shes not here with my cig. bleh. i know its a bad habit but i cant help it. id rather smoke a cigarette than do drugs and all that shit that everyone else does. i dont know. my wrist has 6 cuts on it. i keep rolling my jacket sleeve up but then i realize what it is and i roll it back down. i just feel so lost and confused. i hate it so bad. maybe things will get better. i dont know. i thought they were but i was wrong again. but im gonna go cuz its like 10 minutes till lunch time. whoo hoo only mrs. leachmans class and library left. hell yeah beeyatches! lmao dont ask.

♥ Ashleigh
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