Daniel Arthur
Ok, so maybe the title of this entry is a bit misleading because, as always, this entry will be entirely self absorbed, introspective, and egotistical. I saw my brother today... I don't know how he does it. I don't know how he lives like he does, how he accomplishes everything with such perfection, how he commands the respect of my parents, how he pushes himself to his limit. And how he still does it even though he regrets it all the time.
More than that, though, I wish that I could be more like that... Just a few days ago I was patting myself on the back for how well I've done this past year, with my leadership positions and grades and social life. I thought, 'ho, ho, lauren! well done!' But now, I'm thinking that I should have tried harder, should have done better. I guess that it all comes down to my jealousy. I really am a bit of a jealous brat. I want the praise without the pain. I dont want to put the time in, and I dont want to make the sacrifices, but I still want the same return. And in some ways, I've figured out the system- I 'work smart, not hard' -and I can brag about that... and I do brag about that. And I hate that I brag about it because the act of bragging just goes to show my insecurity. I know that I haven't really accomplished anything.
So I'm a Keating after all that... who would have guessed? (haha... I can't help but chuckle at that inane question. I surely know who would have guessed. There are probably two people in this world that would venture to have guessed that I was a Keating all along. Or maybe just one. Or maybe none- maybe I'm just paranoid; maybe I just feel left out and abandoned and so I'm feeling malicious. but this is a conversation- one sided as it may be- for another time. It concerns neither Dan nor I, really. So I'll leave it at that.)
Maybe I'm a fool and this is all a bundle of hormones. And maybe I'm still stuck on the Fountainhead. Or stuck on petty insecurities regarding living up to my brother... I don't know. Oi. What does it matter? I live a happy life. And I'm glad for the life I lead. I wouldn't change it, really.
I'm inclined to apologize for my rambling, but I'll just trust that if you don't care you will take it upon yourself to stop reading when you want. :) You know, I really don't know what I'd do without you guys/girls. You're the best. <3