life...what a bitch.
so: Oklahoma. Smithtown East's spring musical, how exciting. you know i'm not even in the chorus? i'm a "featured dancer"....I HAVEN'T DANCED IN A YEAR!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!???!!! i must really suck if they won't even put me in the chorus. if that's not a confidence booster for ya, then i don't know what is! anyway, we had our first official Oklahoma rehearsal today. i think people are still pissed that it's the musical, but it's not that complaining will change anything. although, it seems that these children think just that, that complaining will do more than just make me kill them. whatever. i believe people are more upset over not getting bigger roles then they "deserved". it's scary how many people actually thought they could get a lead! i mean, Georgia has become quite the bitch, and will definitely get worse, but she got Laurie, GET OVER IT!! you most likely suck. ok. she sucks less than you. alright. she got the part, you didn't... i fail to see the problem. i was talking to this one girl today for at least ten minutes (it felt like an hour. seriously, each car than passed me, i felt a little bit of my life just evaporate. with each second spent with this girl, death just inched closer. sadly, not close enough). she isn't the prettiest thing ever, but that not why i didn't like her. she was incredibly nosey, i mean like prying into my life. i didn't even know her name and she was being kinda personal...freak much?! this girl was definitely insane. i know for a fact she take numerous drugs, b/c she's nuts, but she was literally scaring me, like i was frightend! but more on topic, she was saying how she asked Ms. Nielsen what she did wrong at auditions that prevented her from getting a lead. most of them just ask what they did wrong, not why they didn't get a lead specifically. now, i saw this girls audition. lets just say, i was embarassed for her. she sucked so much i actually began to laugh, which is terrible i know! but she was that bad. and apparently she wants to do the musical "just so people can hear me and see me. i don't really care about that whole 'i have a passion for acting thing' i just want everyone to look at me!" ........i kid you not. that is, give or take a word, exactally what she said. OH!! another excerpt from our lovely conversation (btw, she speaks extremely fast, it's most likely the drugs) : "so i have this plan, right, i'm gonna be friends with Georgia again, now i know this'll sound like so weird, but really this is my plan, ok, so i'm gonna be friends with Georgia just so i can find out how she keeps getting all of these lead roles." now, i'm thinking, is is really that hard to imagine that she might me just a smiggin better than you, no matter how "amazing" you might be? but apparently Georgia isn't nearly as good as this girl likes to dream she is, so she has an idea that Georgia is doing something to get the roles. i was literally scared for my life while talking to this girl. i mean, yea, i feel bad that she has problems and everything, but she's CRAZY!! there is a difference between talking to someone b/c you feel bad for them, and talking to an insane person who won't cease their mindless jabber!! it's safe to say i wanted to die. i would much rather have talked to a man eating gorillia, than her, he'd just be a little less scary i think.
now, i wasn't very upset over the roles b/c i never expected much anyway. i think i mentioned being a featured dancer at the top? oh yes, look, i'm yelling. hahahah, how silly. so yea, that's my part so far. i didn't even get call backs, that's the thing that really upset me. i have my reasons. i don't feel like explaining them now. but if anyone still cares to know, or is at all intrugied, then maybe i'll tell you, maybe, that is if you can't already guess. i mean, i'm not that complicated. in the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, "there is no confusion like the confusion of a simple mind." now that hardly ties into what i was saying, but i just think it's a cool quote, and i used it in one of my essays today. and that makes me cool how?
speaking of essays, i should really get going on the other one that i have to hand in tomorrow. my teachers officially dislike me. i really am terrible with deadlines. personally, i hate handing things in late. i don't deserve the extentions and everything, i really deserve an F. i don't know what it is going to take for me to get out of this lateness habit. i really hate myself just as much as my teachers do! i don't know if they know that, but i have a feeling they think i can't grasp the seriousness of the situation. how hurtful my lack of time management is to my future. well, i do know how much i suck at life and how i will fail everything b/c i can't get myself together, and i DO know that i will most likely die from stressing myself out. as it says on my wall: DEATH BY STRESS.
so march has sucked, school really always sucks, and life could always be worse. that is in fact true, but lately, i don't know, life just feels really disappointing, in every way possible. usually working decreases that feeling, but lately, i just have nothing. at rehearsal today the director, Mr. Hegreness, he saw me sitting kind of alone, or rather, on my own side of the auditorium (there was that little asile separating me and everyone else, big deal) and asked me if i chose to exclude myself or not. he likes to joke around. he told me i was always weird, but people always liked me. you know, i really didn't have any answer for him. like, really, i just sat there! Nick then came over to say hi, nothing too exciting. i feel almost as though i agree with everyone, that i have become increasingly more secluded lately. i don't know if it's just that i don't want to be friends with anyone, and i don't think that's it, i think it's more along the lines of, i don't know, i just don't feel very connected with people lately. if that made any sense at all to you, congrats. really though, i just don't have any close friends at school. most of them, i can't tell much of anything to. there's that feeling you get with some people like you know even if you told them excatally what was wrong, they still wouldn't care. people just want to know things for the sake of knowing them, i suppose that's why i just keep quiet all day long. why bother telling someone how you feel if they'll just forget it in five minutes? i guess cause when people tell me something about them, i mean something emotional or personal, i always listen carefully and i usually remember. yea, i don't remember much, i'll be the first to admit that, but when it comes to serious situations, where a good listener is pertinant, and i'm that listener, i'll remember that conversation. i'll make a note to remember what your problem was and just how upset it made you feel. i suppose people must think i'm a good listener if they keep telling me their problems, and it's not like i mind. if telling me what's wrong with them makes them feel better, i'll gladly listen. that is, if your anyone besides that scary girl i mentioned eariler. so yea, all in all, i'm not feeling to happy right now. the only skill i have at the moment is listening. not that great.
so i'm sorry this entry was way too long. i just haven't talked to many people lately. it's very depressing feeling like you have no one in a place with so many people. and it actually hurts to smile at people, when you know your smiling just too look happy, not b/c you really feel that way, but b/c you want the other person to think your happy, it seems almost discourteous otherwise. damn, i write and hear all of this stuff about finding yourself and being yourself and everything, while really, i can't even be myself. i hate being a hypocrite. my short story that i just wrote came out ok. it was kind of about being yourself, in a way. more about the only way to be happy is if you are first happy with yourself. don't worry though, i didn't give any explaination on how to do that. i didn't even say if the girl was happy with herself at the end. i just stated that she figured it out. yea, it was an okay story. well, i've definitely written enough. while i was just thinking on how to end this, the Stones' 19th Nervous Breakdown and Emotional Rescue just popped into my head. i thought that was funny. why i was thinking of music to end my entry, i'll never know....wooooooo! right, bye
now, i wasn't very upset over the roles b/c i never expected much anyway. i think i mentioned being a featured dancer at the top? oh yes, look, i'm yelling. hahahah, how silly. so yea, that's my part so far. i didn't even get call backs, that's the thing that really upset me. i have my reasons. i don't feel like explaining them now. but if anyone still cares to know, or is at all intrugied, then maybe i'll tell you, maybe, that is if you can't already guess. i mean, i'm not that complicated. in the words of F. Scott Fitzgerald, "there is no confusion like the confusion of a simple mind." now that hardly ties into what i was saying, but i just think it's a cool quote, and i used it in one of my essays today. and that makes me cool how?
speaking of essays, i should really get going on the other one that i have to hand in tomorrow. my teachers officially dislike me. i really am terrible with deadlines. personally, i hate handing things in late. i don't deserve the extentions and everything, i really deserve an F. i don't know what it is going to take for me to get out of this lateness habit. i really hate myself just as much as my teachers do! i don't know if they know that, but i have a feeling they think i can't grasp the seriousness of the situation. how hurtful my lack of time management is to my future. well, i do know how much i suck at life and how i will fail everything b/c i can't get myself together, and i DO know that i will most likely die from stressing myself out. as it says on my wall: DEATH BY STRESS.
so march has sucked, school really always sucks, and life could always be worse. that is in fact true, but lately, i don't know, life just feels really disappointing, in every way possible. usually working decreases that feeling, but lately, i just have nothing. at rehearsal today the director, Mr. Hegreness, he saw me sitting kind of alone, or rather, on my own side of the auditorium (there was that little asile separating me and everyone else, big deal) and asked me if i chose to exclude myself or not. he likes to joke around. he told me i was always weird, but people always liked me. you know, i really didn't have any answer for him. like, really, i just sat there! Nick then came over to say hi, nothing too exciting. i feel almost as though i agree with everyone, that i have become increasingly more secluded lately. i don't know if it's just that i don't want to be friends with anyone, and i don't think that's it, i think it's more along the lines of, i don't know, i just don't feel very connected with people lately. if that made any sense at all to you, congrats. really though, i just don't have any close friends at school. most of them, i can't tell much of anything to. there's that feeling you get with some people like you know even if you told them excatally what was wrong, they still wouldn't care. people just want to know things for the sake of knowing them, i suppose that's why i just keep quiet all day long. why bother telling someone how you feel if they'll just forget it in five minutes? i guess cause when people tell me something about them, i mean something emotional or personal, i always listen carefully and i usually remember. yea, i don't remember much, i'll be the first to admit that, but when it comes to serious situations, where a good listener is pertinant, and i'm that listener, i'll remember that conversation. i'll make a note to remember what your problem was and just how upset it made you feel. i suppose people must think i'm a good listener if they keep telling me their problems, and it's not like i mind. if telling me what's wrong with them makes them feel better, i'll gladly listen. that is, if your anyone besides that scary girl i mentioned eariler. so yea, all in all, i'm not feeling to happy right now. the only skill i have at the moment is listening. not that great.
so i'm sorry this entry was way too long. i just haven't talked to many people lately. it's very depressing feeling like you have no one in a place with so many people. and it actually hurts to smile at people, when you know your smiling just too look happy, not b/c you really feel that way, but b/c you want the other person to think your happy, it seems almost discourteous otherwise. damn, i write and hear all of this stuff about finding yourself and being yourself and everything, while really, i can't even be myself. i hate being a hypocrite. my short story that i just wrote came out ok. it was kind of about being yourself, in a way. more about the only way to be happy is if you are first happy with yourself. don't worry though, i didn't give any explaination on how to do that. i didn't even say if the girl was happy with herself at the end. i just stated that she figured it out. yea, it was an okay story. well, i've definitely written enough. while i was just thinking on how to end this, the Stones' 19th Nervous Breakdown and Emotional Rescue just popped into my head. i thought that was funny. why i was thinking of music to end my entry, i'll never know....wooooooo! right, bye