letting go
i wish i could sit you down & explain to you ..
explain to you how i feel. .
how i feel about everything.
you.
ive never been so afraid to tell someone how i felt.
ive never been so afraid of the thoughts in my head.
but ive also never been so content.
and so happy.
i feel secure.
i havent been able to say that in months.
but talking you through that..
fixed everything.
i know now.
thats all that matters.
i know.
right allie?
im not sure what i know.
but i know.
and its better now.
//////////////// FUCK.
seriously. ive never been so scared.
i wanna tell you.
and tell you and tell you.
but when you wake up honey.
everything will be okay.
youll laugh it off.
& i will disapear back into the depths of nothingness.
back into the land of lost & alone.
but i take comfort in knowing that i....
i was appreciated.
i was loved.
and i was important.
yes you made me feel like that before.
but that was fake.
it was for one reason.
and only that.
but tonight was different.
& i dont care if you remember.
because i know you wont.
but i do.
and i will forever.
YOU changed my life.
you did weeks ago.
i just wish i knew how.
"what.. what are you doing?"
"im just trying to make you feel tiny"
"dont worry you always do"
"mmm good"
smiles and kisses
smiles and kisses
im happy.
i can say that with no regret.
im disapointed yes.
but i can deal.
i mean i did before.
& i was less than nothing before.
now im just nothing.
& ive accepted that.
& you told me you loved me over and over ...
"my mom...
she reminds me of you"
im honored.
i hope you know that.
i dunno.
me&you.
yeah... that was mean to happen for a reason.
you made me better.
no. you made my head better.
& even when i looked at you with her..
and you were a different person.
scary&selfish...
i knew that at one point..
you told me i was beautiful.
and thats all that matters.
i dont know why it took me so long.
or why it was you who exposed this.
but either way im happy about it.
dissapointed to see you go.
but im content.
or maybe im not.
maybe i took this all too seriously.
maybe im still insecure&fat.
&maybe your words are lies.
meaningless words.
that mean the fucking world to me.
its not your opinions that matter though.
i dont know what it is.
its something.
something that clicks...
when im with you.
but i wish it wasnt so up&down.
i wish it wasnt from one extreme to the next.
i wish i could just tell you this.
but everytime i try.
your not listening.
& then when i think you are.
i back down.
im scared.
scared to know what you really think.
god why does it matter so much.
id feel alot better if you knew.
but trying to tell you is hell.
and then theres you.
and dont get me started on you.
because you...
you fucked with me.
you fucked with my emotions&myheart.
YOU hurt me more than anyone.
but still...
you were there.
right when i needed you.
but when you were backing away from me.
i hated you.
& i could see that look of disgust in your eyes.
but i think you need to step back.
take a look at yourself.
take a look at your life.
you honey disgust me.
& i hate myself for us.
& that is that.
and that part of my life is done.
from now on.
friends means friends.
because this game is done.
i dont care who wins or loses.
take a look around.
decide.
make up your mind.
then take the world with you.
cause you cant have them both.
i hate you.
i wish i knew what to do with myself.
i guess ill take it down a notch..
ill try to turn of my brain.
....back to the couch.
your arms are calling my name.
oh yeah,
the lowest was 76lbs.
just for the record.
BUT thats over now.
explain to you how i feel. .
how i feel about everything.
you.
ive never been so afraid to tell someone how i felt.
ive never been so afraid of the thoughts in my head.
but ive also never been so content.
and so happy.
i feel secure.
i havent been able to say that in months.
but talking you through that..
fixed everything.
i know now.
thats all that matters.
i know.
right allie?
im not sure what i know.
but i know.
and its better now.
//////////////// FUCK.
seriously. ive never been so scared.
i wanna tell you.
and tell you and tell you.
but when you wake up honey.
everything will be okay.
youll laugh it off.
& i will disapear back into the depths of nothingness.
back into the land of lost & alone.
but i take comfort in knowing that i....
i was appreciated.
i was loved.
and i was important.
yes you made me feel like that before.
but that was fake.
it was for one reason.
and only that.
but tonight was different.
& i dont care if you remember.
because i know you wont.
but i do.
and i will forever.
YOU changed my life.
you did weeks ago.
i just wish i knew how.
"what.. what are you doing?"
"im just trying to make you feel tiny"
"dont worry you always do"
"mmm good"
smiles and kisses
smiles and kisses
im happy.
i can say that with no regret.
im disapointed yes.
but i can deal.
i mean i did before.
& i was less than nothing before.
now im just nothing.
& ive accepted that.
& you told me you loved me over and over ...
"my mom...
she reminds me of you"
im honored.
i hope you know that.
i dunno.
me&you.
yeah... that was mean to happen for a reason.
you made me better.
no. you made my head better.
& even when i looked at you with her..
and you were a different person.
scary&selfish...
i knew that at one point..
you told me i was beautiful.
and thats all that matters.
i dont know why it took me so long.
or why it was you who exposed this.
but either way im happy about it.
dissapointed to see you go.
but im content.
or maybe im not.
maybe i took this all too seriously.
maybe im still insecure&fat.
&maybe your words are lies.
meaningless words.
that mean the fucking world to me.
its not your opinions that matter though.
i dont know what it is.
its something.
something that clicks...
when im with you.
but i wish it wasnt so up&down.
i wish it wasnt from one extreme to the next.
i wish i could just tell you this.
but everytime i try.
your not listening.
& then when i think you are.
i back down.
im scared.
scared to know what you really think.
god why does it matter so much.
id feel alot better if you knew.
but trying to tell you is hell.
and then theres you.
and dont get me started on you.
because you...
you fucked with me.
you fucked with my emotions&myheart.
YOU hurt me more than anyone.
but still...
you were there.
right when i needed you.
but when you were backing away from me.
i hated you.
& i could see that look of disgust in your eyes.
but i think you need to step back.
take a look at yourself.
take a look at your life.
you honey disgust me.
& i hate myself for us.
& that is that.
and that part of my life is done.
from now on.
friends means friends.
because this game is done.
i dont care who wins or loses.
take a look around.
decide.
make up your mind.
then take the world with you.
cause you cant have them both.
i hate you.
i wish i knew what to do with myself.
i guess ill take it down a notch..
ill try to turn of my brain.
....back to the couch.
your arms are calling my name.
oh yeah,
the lowest was 76lbs.
just for the record.
BUT thats over now.