the sirens are laughing underneath my skull
Yesterday had to be the worst day of my life. It was the first week of my 17th year. Horrible blood stained and rotting.The feeling in my soul rhymes with death. I want to seriously just scream my fucking thoughts out. I went crazy with that razor last night. I blocked out my life and went to town. I can barely walk. I gave in. NO.
I let go.
I died three years ago today. I just didn't realize it until now. My mother literally skinned me alive... and in my head I felt I needed some dicipline. It's so dangerous to live in my head. But I don't want to leave. I choose to be naive and ignorant. Ignorance is so beautiful. I miss not knowing the word hurt, pain, hideous, and failure.
But to you I guess this means nothing at all. I don't know what anything means anymore. I have forgotten what it means to breathe. I can't recall the person I thought I knew deep down inside. I am constantly held down by the emotions I let entangle me, and I just rot. Everyone can smell it. I feel like when people see me they can smell the vomit and disgrace. When they see my face they see cuts and the blood running all over the floor painting the faces of those who hurt me the most. and when I open my mouth they hear the loudest screaches like that of abused tires and the sounds of babies' cries as their skin is being torn from their bones.
I can't thoroughly explain this disgust that I have for my own sense of self. I hate it. I try not to touch it and stand back as if it's a disease that is spreading constantly and I can sense it in the air. It's a permanent sour taste on the back of my tounge and I can't get it out. I can't run away and I am forced to live in it. But I guess some things just never get better. They just die down for a while and await for the appropriate times to slowly seep up through the skin and burn through anything it may touch. I have nothing more to say.
Oh.. except for the job interview with Cady&Cady Photography Studio went extremely well. They liked me a lot. I was so nervous before hand but when I got in there, I wasn't at all. They kept saying "You speak so well." - "You're very mature for your age." - "You have a lot of talent."- "You are what we were looking for."... ... .. I showed them my portfolio of pictures. They smiled a lot and kept saying "Awesome!". I have a second interview... but I smoked on Saturday so if they give me a drug test I might be screwed. I have been drinking a lot of water. If I DO get this job... It will be a full time position over the summer as a photographer. Starting at $10 an hour. Not bad, eh? Maybe I actually will be more than a fuck up. Who knows.
done.