Life is a tear and a smile
hi i'm updating. i am up and not going to sleep for a while because laying down and trying to fall asleep when you are in a somber mood is never the right solution. i've been reading poetry a lot late at night. it helps me wind down and breathe a little bit. somehow reading and discovering that these amazing authors and poets i admire so much have gone through what i am going through or have experienced whatever feelings i am feeling inspire me to be a better person. it's not all about me, you know? being away from home and meeting all these people while keeping everyone from home in the back of your pocket...it adds up to a lot of numbers and mixed feelings. right now i am generally content with my life and have reached a point that i was looking forward to for quite some time. i've been on a good note with my parents basically since i left home and it's actually working out very nicely as they are treating me as an actual adult for the first time. i think i need more friends..i think? i never know if it's really a great idea to force friendships upon people or purposely go out and make friends...it's kind of like love, where it never happens until you stop waiting for it to come around. it's crazy to think that i have been dating jim for so long. it will be two years on the 28th. i'm really happy with the progress and happiness we've both reached with each other, even if it took some rumbles and lows. but with this sort of "anniversary" deal it seems to me like it's so grand and big and official that one just has to question what's next afterwards. some nights i go to bed giddy with joy and a bright smile plastered across my face and other nights i just feel so alone and in doubt of whether long-distance relationships are honestly supposed to work. all i know is that whether we are 2 inches or 2 hours away from one another, real love is worth fighting for. it's nothing you let go of because one or both of you becomes tired or weak for a day or two. so there, that's my perspecitve, and i have to thank e.e. cummings and sylvia plath for that. i've been expriencing this gut feeling that something big and dark is going to happen to me in the next few years. i hope to god it involves nothing with anyone in my family dying. but unfortunately (but also fortunately), i've never experienced losing a close loved one yet and the dark possibility is looming above me. anytime i hear my dad tell me a story i've already heard a million times before, i just think of how i'll miss it when he's gone. i don't mean to bring the mood down, i just mean to get this all out of my system so i can move on and be happy again because that was working out really well for me. bye!