Chapter 1 Continued
April 28 2007
The Trap
So much time has passed and
Still my mind wanders back to memories of her
I still have that desperation in my eye and fear in my mind
With love still trapped in my heart
My emotions all tied up
She decided long ago I wasn’t good enough
Yet each minute I feel harder
Trying and trying to gain her approval
Hopelessly devoted to a cause she cared nothing for
She said she always knew I was the one she would marry
Even her family said so
Well can you please tell me what the hell happened?
We’ve got a case of misplaced destiny and one broken heart
I should have been a perfect gentlemen and fucked her harder in bed
Should have done all sorts of things
But she wound me up and turned me into a whore so she thinks
But I want monogamy which she ignores
Should have stayed fuck buddies but like everything else I fucked it all up
8/17/07
You Lost me to Pages, You Lost me to Lies
This song's been on repeat for years, waiting for the right girl to full fill it's lyrics
She used me for my biggest fears, She took my tears to this paper and smeared it
I've begun judging my relationships on the songs i carry dearest to my heart
In my room this notebook's my only relief each page written under the dark
But still there’s got to be that girl i haven't met yet, that one that captivates me
Why can't reality just break, in my mind it's all so easy to see
She's the one that doesn't break into pieces and expect me to follow
All those sleeping pills were so hard to swallow
There's got to be the one that loves me through and through
She's the magical answer to the square root of two
Damn there i go again believing that love actually exists
Expecting it not to come down to fighting fists
And i Can't let you let me down again
It will be me this time that will descend
But you got this notion that every thing's going to be alright
Like the way you got oh so creative disguising your spite
When my heads spun and your going on like your real when i knew how you got here
Caressing this moment for forever spinning me around riding the coat tails of fear
Your waves are washing up on shore
I'd like to swim in this image a little more
But every time i look down I see every single fucking thing that is wrong with me
Your apart of me like A.I.D.S eating away every good thought like a fucking disease
This is what's been keeping me busy
Re-reading all these pages
Each one a one of your lies being deciphered
To broken to see
To fucked up to read
I can't play with your deceit
I admit my utter defeat
Love isn't worth loving anymore
Because i can't let you let me down again
Page 11
8/18/07
Deformed Kisses
Love notes
And broken kisses
You're a clichéd disaster
Tripping all over you're fragile ego
It's got to be the saddest sight for sore eyes
Excuse my lack of compassion but you have got to be kidding
No one should show such lack of good judgment
But the joke's on me isn't it?
You can't be this stupid and get away with it
You've got this natural disaster about you
Where not even earthquakes could rattle you're silence
And tidal waves couldn't compare to the oceans of tears that you've cried
Landslides wouldn't be able to find steady ground searching in you're direction
This is the calm before the storm and you're just leading me on
There's no tornado of love you've got nothing more to offer then hail
So just stumble away like your used to because I've lifted you're veil
You've got to be the saddest sight for sore eyes
Begging for attention you'll do just about anything except shut up
I've thought of you as fingering an open wound
Just pain and suffering for nothing more then a bigger scar
Goddamn the jokes on me I should have had better judgment
I could have wished on the stars and said my prayers at night
But that would have got us nowhere
You've got that awful lack of style
Questions come pouring out of what ifs and has been’s
But style is composed of sensibility and grace
So that takes you out of the race automatically
Deprived and starved, ha I doubt it
You're laughing on the insides and the jokes got to be on me
But I'm stupid and my lack of has caught up
So I'll smile and tell you you're beautiful deformed
That's just the way god intended you to
And we'll dance forever in the dissonance
Claiming we got years to figure our fears
But the joke's on me
When love doesn't stand a chance
8/24/07
Lost Little Puppy Dog
She's the kind of girl you would kill your parents for
She smiles and the sun shines brighter
When she’s sad, the rain gives way just to show her it cares
She's the girl that knows exactly what she wants in life
The only thing is she's doesn't know how she's getting there
And that's fine by me because I'd gladly be her lost puppy dog
She's my heartbreak waiting to happen
But hey
I'm still glad I get to see her
Even for the shortest of moments
I would kill my parents with a smile plastered to this face
If that's what her precious heart desired
I'm the kind of guy that takes love to heart
When it rains inside I smile
If the suns decides to shine I wonder when it will burn out
I'm the guy that has no direction in life
But I know exactly who I am
I'm just a lost puppy dog looking for someone to wag my tail at
She's got a hold of my collar, making me do stupid tricks
But hey
At least I got that attention I so desperately needed
Even if I'm now sitting at the pound
She was my heart break waiting to happen
Now I'm being taken to be put down
I chewed my way into her heart
Now she's throwing me out
She's scared that I would run away
So instead she's taken it upon herself to do the honors
I would have said I do but there’s no ring instead I'm getting the needle
I shouldn't have barked my love so loudly
Should have bit my lip because she thought my love was all fake
Now I'm crying with these sad puppy dog eyes
But hey
I'm still glad I got to know her
She'll always be my last one and only
My damned heart break waiting to happen
And I have this notion that’s exactly what she wanted
Page 12
9/3/07
Queen and King
Queen AND King
I feel like I've written everything I could ever write
I read everything you wrote over once again
And I still feel the same as I've always felt
Discharged and feeling used (rx2)
Maybe some of the choices I made weren't the best
And I know my self control isn't something to be desired
But fuck what did I do to deserve the way you treated me(fuck everything kill it dead)
I attribute the choices you made to leaving me at the altar(make it through somehow)
When I'm at my worst she's looks the grandest
My nightmare come true
I never questioned your family
But now I have to...
Are we really supposed to get married?
You didn't listen
You never even considered...
What your heart wanted to tell you
What is love
It took me time
I formulated my thoughts into letters
Slowly words
Which developed into a graphic phrase
While you just said what you thought was right
Society laughed at me
They gave me a million reasons to leave
I loved you so much I stayed
I would have given anything to hear half your breathe
We played the game of cat and mouse for so very long
I didn't want to expose everything I had because I knew better
You displayed that role I had seen before
Fuck fate and it's twisted game
I said i do while you just
Crashed the car and walked away
It's a design that only the hands of the creator can explain...
Despite my despise I can't look into your eyes with hate
I chase you off like some unwanted/...wanted animal
I'd rather put a bullet into my own head then ours
I'm fool for all I said and you just laugh at me
But I've written everything I could have and it still wasn't enough
She was the one that fucked my insides apart
Could it all be true, is the society right? The collectiveness wrong?
Are we really supposed to get married?
You didn't listen
You never even considered...
What your heart wanted to tell you
What is love
It took me time
I formulated my thoughts into letters
Slowly words
Which developed into a graphic phrase
While you just said what you thought was right
You've been dreaming for a long time about the day
I've been thinking a lot about how to make you happy that day
But the scraping on the chalkboard has altered
And there’s way to much emotions for the circumstance
So don't listen to the stirring you've been creating
Fake your fate and wind up wanting the future you always dreamed of
My world is way to messed up
Calculate the ways for you to grow up
But it's too late love has gave up
Read the graphic novel You'll comprehend then...
There’s wrongs I've writed
And loves I've declared wrong
But never in the history of declaration
Has there been a wrong I've wanted to be righted so badly
I wish you would stop living in the moment
Look towards the future
And find you're not the only one
That has been living
With a wrong worth writing
Are we really supposed to get married?
You didn't listen
You never even considered...
What your heart wanted to tell you
What is love
It took me time
I formulated my thoughts into letters
Slowly words
Which developed into a graphic phrase
While you just said what you thought was right
I love you!
You picked us apart till we were impossible
I reclaimed my cave
Hibernated till summers warmth
Looked up from a harsh winter and reclaimed everything I believed in
Too bad you weren't there to see the path that fate choose
I awoke to the sound of the waves crashing in
Each one a living memory of us dying
I grabbed and I pulled tearing a hole for me to breathe through
Reborn and created a life without you
I disappeared
Now where the fuck were you!
I erased you i forgot you
I left that hole far behind
But still through somehow
I'm right there decolorizing
Remembering what could have been
Impossible
Dealing with fate
Re-piecing the world end's
The deeper the wound, I'm apart of you!
You didn't listen
You never even considered...
What your heart wanted to tell you
What is love
It took me time
I formulated my thoughts into letters
Slowly words
Which developed into a graphic phrase
While you just said what you thought was right
I DO!
Page 13
9/21/07
Asterisk
I had an epiphany not long ago
Some crazy sense of a future set in stone
But nothing ever quite works out the way foreseen
That’s the problem with significance
It's got this way of leaving when your most vulnerable
When you cling to illusions you appear insane
But creating delusions of yourself somehow makes people love you
Just don't stare to deeply into your reflection
There’s no way in hell you could live with what you are
Playing ring around the Rosie with truth can lead nowhere but damnation
Displayed in the middle as an outcast
Because you can't outrun what you've become
This is me leaving innocence
In the middle of a breakdown
As far back as childhood suppression
Ignorance how do they say that, would be bliss
However my mind thinks in terms of repercussion
And my past haunts every aspect of its future
Even in the middle of drunken babble it can been verbalized
If I could teach you one last thing
It would have to be how much love the world has to give
Open arms and apologizes accepted all you have to do is repent
It's so easy once you let the words start falling from your mouth
Grace can be restored to the most devout rejects
9/24/07
The Chaotic Chasms of Cohersion
Looking through the bottom
The edges of glass distort myself image
I can barely see a bottle marked poison
Shouldn't have been so rash and read the label
Curiosity will eventually lead to over dosage
My name I vaguely remember even though it's of no significance
I fell down a hole and lost my vocabulary's control
But emotionally charged neurons still rapidly misfire and
Under my hypnosis of delicately designed existentialism
There’s a festering and painful realization I'm only a dream in my own psyche
None of the lessons put to memory have any bearing on this universe outside
It's just a sick and twisted little fantasy world of make believe
If you can dare to dream then you’re in control of downright dirty destiny
Try to fathom the power to manipulate the moon and the tides magnetic pull
Go ahead pick apart the very existence you were brought up to to forcefully eat
The light starts to bend at the cracks, the spectrums reversing itself again
My irrationality is leading to a major personality melt down I’m becoming more like..
The crossed connected frequencies are starting to form coherent messages
The distortion of lies in the static are being lifted like a veil and
Everything is coming back into focus just a little different as it once was
And,
I'm looking down, overtop of a capped bottle marked your death of innocence.
Page 14
11/9/07
Exact-O-Knife Cut Revenge
I will have mine in the end
Exact-o-knife cut revenge
Each slice will drip with precision
I won’t cut to deep at first
Just enough to keep you guessing
Oh my dearest why are you suffering from
Exact-o-knife cut revenge
Tongue twisted alibis
I want to lash out and slash you
But you’re far too pretty for a gash
I will remain composed and calm
Instead my words will be the hand of a surgeon
Steady and straight forward
You can count on me babe to give you
Exact-o-knife cut revenge
You will feel a slight sting at first don’t worry though
That’s normal just don’t twinge
It could be a disastrous affair
I want a blood droplet for every lie you told
That I’m sure would bleed you dry however
So instead you’ll have to live with this scarlet scar across your chest
Branding you for life like your lies did for me
Nov 11 2007
At the Thought of it
I miss those days when I needed those girls to live
To think, to breath, to verbalize my emotion
I miss my innocence my better off not knowing
Elevated heartbeats, the ora of euphoria
Spinning intricate webs of inside jokes and flirtations
I miss the sense of touch, passions of past tenses
My pulse quickens whenever I see that color red
My breath shortens when I think of your doorbell leading to your bed
I’m shaking at the thought we could have made it
I’m orbiting my thoughts around the gravity of us
I get inclinations of something you need to say when you speak
It’s a tingling originating deep inside vibrating your outer shell
My seismic receptors are jumping and your tremors are reproduced in my limbs
I’ m shaking at the thought we could have made it I’m orbiting around the gravity of us
I miss the epic dramas of being super glued together
Each minute of serenity broken down to 60 intervals
I don’t think my words ever came out right with you
Because I promise if you knew how I felt
Our cosmos would have never drifted apart
And maybe if I could make my lips synchronize with heart
At this very moment I could cause a magnetic pull
You would come back to me like that wish I put on a shooting star
I’m shaking at the thought we could have made it
I’m orbiting around the gravity of us
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