(no subject)
It's hard for me to believe it's finals week....At the beginning of the semester I thought that it was never going to end....It has definitely been a rough semester all the way around....by far it's been the most emotionally exhausting semester that I have ever had..however, this is the first time where I've been able to take finals without having a major catastophe (diet pills, overdosing,Dan, or Barry) happen (watch since I'm saying this, something will happen tomorrow) before my 2 major finals on Wednesday, both of which are going to kick my ass....I don't really know what I was expecting this semester...I knew that it was going to be hell....but it took a lot out of me. Changing my major and dropping that cell class made a huge difference...it made me happier. I can't imagine where I would be if I didn't do that...
Over the course of this semester, well maybe it started last summer, I became a different person...sometimes I feel the same but sometimes I feel different.I've started talking to Mindi again...I think that somewhere down the line where going to end up being friends again...she seems to care and she pointed a lot of things out to me. As a whole, I'm not happy and no matter how hard I try to pretend I'm happy, I'm just not...for once I really don't think it's guy related...yeah for a long time I wanted Barry back, but right now I'm not too happy with him...I know a lot of people think that I need a guy to make me happy...I realize that I do like to flirt a lot, but I don't need one....being overly friendly has started to come back to kick me in the ass....somehow a long the line I went from being the innoncent whore from freshman year to not an actual one but one with a reputation for being easy...I know I did it myself.
This semsester has definitely tested my friendships with a lot of people....I had a lot of people disappoint me...a lot of people that I thought that I could count on, but they just weren't there....I feel like I no longer matter to some people..certain people seem to be too busy to somehow make time to fit me in....and it kills me...but for the most part I keep it in....I know that I would change whatever I was doing to be able to spend time with certain people...I feel abandoned by a lot of people...it hasn't really been a good week....I've been really busy this semester and have attemped to contact people but I'm lucky if they actually acknowledge that I called when I call where as them calling me out of the blue because they felt like it, it completely out of the question....maybe I'm just being a bitch and making more out of it....but I feel like nobody cares....there's a huge difference between this year and last year in terms of me seeing people...I didn't think that I saw people a lot last year....but compared to this year....I've tried to make efforts but....it's the last week of the semester and I know I'm not going to see anybody before break....breaks always used to be really hard with me not seeing anybody but this year it's not going to phase me.....it'll just be like the rest of the semester. I'm so out of the loop with everything...nobody fills me in...Palcsey was the one to inform me that Ingram Hill might be coming to SVC....but in ways it didn't suprise me that he was the one to tell me....I feel like people are probably going to be mad at me after reading my rants....but for most part I'm not mad despite how it's coming across...this make me really sad inside...and I've tried to keep it in....it didn't really make my semester go any better.
A lot of people give me a hard time about Justin...I don't have an actual relationship with him, but we're definitely good friends....I feel more comfortable with him than I do with anybody...especially now....he's the reason I made it through this semester....especially this past month.....he might act like an ass or piss me off on purpose, but when it comes down to it, he's the one that's been there to listen....he's the one the has been there to listen to me to cry and scream...he serves as my punching bag...a lot of my anger gets taken out on him...and yeah he does a lot of stuff to piss me off and deserves me screaming at him...but a lot of the time, he does little things which wouldn't normally bother me but I end up taking my frustrations from other things out on him...and he lets me....I've honestly screamed at the boy more than anyone else put together....he always calls me back....he'll call just for the hell of it to see how I'm doing.....the highlight of my friday night(saturday morning) came from him....he didn't even know how upset I was before he called me....he assumed that I was going to be somewhere having a good time with someone....I was definitely upset......I couldn't pretend to be having fun at the dance when I was so upset about stuff....I only stayed about a half hour...I spent more time driving back and forth...home to my BK's grandma's house to get ready since I had nowhere else to go then back to SVC only to turn right around and go home again....Justin's phone call at 2:11 in the morning...made me feel like someone cared.....I do still have feelings for Justin....we'll never be an official couple....but like he's not even my boyfriend...I only knew him for six months......but he knew and could see that I needed somebody....his support has made a huge difference...if I had to go through this semester completely alone although that's how I felt a lot of the time (for the most part everyday), I never would have made it.
I was told that one of the things that I need to do to try and get my happiness back is to stop trying to make others so happy...I can't help that I care about whatever people think...I'm always looking for approval from someone...it's hard not to...I have extremely high standards for myself...I always feel like I'm not measuring up...I know that the solution should be simple, just be the best you can be, don't worry about what other people think, don't worry about making other people happy...it's just hard cause I've never been good enough...I've never felt good enough, but at times I've been told by certain people...I've never been smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough....I'm not the best friend in the world...I'm definitely not the best daughter in the world...Hearing different things has shaped me into who I am....this is something tha tI used to talk about in counseling all the time....I know that I just need to block it out, but it's just so hard to. I thought about going to counseling again...only I found out Demmler isn't here.....and I don't want to start over with somebody else...
Over the course of this semester, well maybe it started last summer, I became a different person...sometimes I feel the same but sometimes I feel different.I've started talking to Mindi again...I think that somewhere down the line where going to end up being friends again...she seems to care and she pointed a lot of things out to me. As a whole, I'm not happy and no matter how hard I try to pretend I'm happy, I'm just not...for once I really don't think it's guy related...yeah for a long time I wanted Barry back, but right now I'm not too happy with him...I know a lot of people think that I need a guy to make me happy...I realize that I do like to flirt a lot, but I don't need one....being overly friendly has started to come back to kick me in the ass....somehow a long the line I went from being the innoncent whore from freshman year to not an actual one but one with a reputation for being easy...I know I did it myself.
This semsester has definitely tested my friendships with a lot of people....I had a lot of people disappoint me...a lot of people that I thought that I could count on, but they just weren't there....I feel like I no longer matter to some people..certain people seem to be too busy to somehow make time to fit me in....and it kills me...but for the most part I keep it in....I know that I would change whatever I was doing to be able to spend time with certain people...I feel abandoned by a lot of people...it hasn't really been a good week....I've been really busy this semester and have attemped to contact people but I'm lucky if they actually acknowledge that I called when I call where as them calling me out of the blue because they felt like it, it completely out of the question....maybe I'm just being a bitch and making more out of it....but I feel like nobody cares....there's a huge difference between this year and last year in terms of me seeing people...I didn't think that I saw people a lot last year....but compared to this year....I've tried to make efforts but....it's the last week of the semester and I know I'm not going to see anybody before break....breaks always used to be really hard with me not seeing anybody but this year it's not going to phase me.....it'll just be like the rest of the semester. I'm so out of the loop with everything...nobody fills me in...Palcsey was the one to inform me that Ingram Hill might be coming to SVC....but in ways it didn't suprise me that he was the one to tell me....I feel like people are probably going to be mad at me after reading my rants....but for most part I'm not mad despite how it's coming across...this make me really sad inside...and I've tried to keep it in....it didn't really make my semester go any better.
A lot of people give me a hard time about Justin...I don't have an actual relationship with him, but we're definitely good friends....I feel more comfortable with him than I do with anybody...especially now....he's the reason I made it through this semester....especially this past month.....he might act like an ass or piss me off on purpose, but when it comes down to it, he's the one that's been there to listen....he's the one the has been there to listen to me to cry and scream...he serves as my punching bag...a lot of my anger gets taken out on him...and yeah he does a lot of stuff to piss me off and deserves me screaming at him...but a lot of the time, he does little things which wouldn't normally bother me but I end up taking my frustrations from other things out on him...and he lets me....I've honestly screamed at the boy more than anyone else put together....he always calls me back....he'll call just for the hell of it to see how I'm doing.....the highlight of my friday night(saturday morning) came from him....he didn't even know how upset I was before he called me....he assumed that I was going to be somewhere having a good time with someone....I was definitely upset......I couldn't pretend to be having fun at the dance when I was so upset about stuff....I only stayed about a half hour...I spent more time driving back and forth...home to my BK's grandma's house to get ready since I had nowhere else to go then back to SVC only to turn right around and go home again....Justin's phone call at 2:11 in the morning...made me feel like someone cared.....I do still have feelings for Justin....we'll never be an official couple....but like he's not even my boyfriend...I only knew him for six months......but he knew and could see that I needed somebody....his support has made a huge difference...if I had to go through this semester completely alone although that's how I felt a lot of the time (for the most part everyday), I never would have made it.
I was told that one of the things that I need to do to try and get my happiness back is to stop trying to make others so happy...I can't help that I care about whatever people think...I'm always looking for approval from someone...it's hard not to...I have extremely high standards for myself...I always feel like I'm not measuring up...I know that the solution should be simple, just be the best you can be, don't worry about what other people think, don't worry about making other people happy...it's just hard cause I've never been good enough...I've never felt good enough, but at times I've been told by certain people...I've never been smart enough, thin enough, pretty enough....I'm not the best friend in the world...I'm definitely not the best daughter in the world...Hearing different things has shaped me into who I am....this is something tha tI used to talk about in counseling all the time....I know that I just need to block it out, but it's just so hard to. I thought about going to counseling again...only I found out Demmler isn't here.....and I don't want to start over with somebody else...