scholarship narrative
i've been super busy trying to secure funding for the 08-09 academic year. one of the scholarships i have been working on requires a personal narrative detailing the abuse i have gone through. i've cut and pasted it here to always have it to remind me of where i have come from....
As a young girl I grew up in a home plagued by emotional, verbal, and physical violence. For eleven years I watched my step-father emotionally abuse my mother, physically abuse my younger sister, and endured his verbal attacks and abuse. My mother is an amazing woman, she is my hero - and for the good and bad, she taught me how to survive abuse. I carried this onto my late adolescence and became involved with my first physically abusive partner when I was 17. I was a bright eyed, optimistic, enjoyable young woman who felt ready to conquer the world and all of its injustices. I began dating my first abuser only a few months before I was supposed to move away for college to pursue a degree in urban studies and human rights. Instead, I spent the next seven years having all of my rights stripped away. I became pregnant with my first son six months into our relationship. The physical abuse started right around the same time. Late one night we were arguing and he punched me in the stomach. I left immediately for the police station. I spoke to a police officer that night; who saw a hysterical young woman in front of him and dismissed her. With no support or assistance from law enforcement, I left my abuser and attempted to have my baby on my own. I was so scared of being a single parent, of struggling just like I witnessed my mother do for so long, that I went back. I spent the next 7 years being degraded, humiliated, and physically abused. I also became a mother for the second time. Eventually, I left and attempted to repair all of the hurt that had been done to me and my 2 young children. Shortly thereafter I met and fell in love with my next abuser. Our connection was immediate; he made me feel so respected and cared for. We were together for several years when we decided to try to have a child together. About 4 months into my pregnancy he began to act really irrational and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. He started to become extremely paranoid and physically possessive. He began alienating me from family and friends. He became physically abusive; grabbing me, pinning me down, pulling my hair out so severely that my scalp would bleed, and choking me. The abuse only escalated once our son was born. I needed to leave but was utterly and completely terrified. I began to think that maybe I deserved to be treated like this. I began having such severe panic attacks I could barely function. It was at this point that our infant son was diagnosed with almost complete blindness. He and I frantically clung to one another, trying our best to salvage our broken relationship…it felt so overwhelming. We were okay for a few months, but as I began reclaiming my financial independence and coming to terms with our sons’ disability, he started acting more irrational and the abuse began again. I knew I needed to leave but was so stuck in survival mode, I didn’t know how to leave and I was terrified of what the outcome would be if I did go.
One summer morning in July , 2006, we got into a huge argument on my way to work. I was physically assaulted by him, in front of my children. I was left scratched and bleeding, and completely hysterical. My children were dropped off at their summer camp and I begged and pleaded for him to bring me to my sisters, only a few blocks away. He brought me to her, knowing what would happen. I called the police immediately and they met him at our residence and arrested him for battery. I moved out that day. I also sought assistance with the Task Force on Family Violence to obtain a restraining order against him. He sought medical help immediately afterwards, even voluntarily checking himself into a mental health facility. Six months later, we attempted reconciliation again. Both of us felt much healthier and aware of what triggered the abuse in our relationship, or so I thought.
The last time I was physically battered was in February of 2007. He had looked in my cell phone and saw a phone number that he did not recognize. He asked me about the number, but didn’t believe my answer. He began yelling at me, getting very physically aggressive. He pointed his finger at me, continuing to yell, and then jabbed his finger into my nose, using so much force that he gave me a bloody nose. I ran out of the living room and into my bedroom. He followed and pulled me down onto the bed by my hair, he pulled so hard that a hug clump of my hair came out, causing me to bleed from my scalp. I begged and pleaded for him to stop. He was in such a rage that I did not recognize the man in front of me. After a few moments of me lying on the bed, bleeding, he seemed to come to. He saw what he had done and told me that he was sorry. He began to cry and he left my home that night. That was the last time he put his hands on me.
I have now taken on a new focus and outlook on my life to ensure I stay healthy and out of an abusive relationship. I know that if I don’t work on myself internally, I will continue to become involved with men who abuse me. It has been a dream of mine to graduate from college, however, with my abusive relationships; I have never been able to fulfill this goal. I have come to the realization that furthering my education would have led to establishing my independence and was not something to be supported by my past relationships. I have worked so hard to rebuild myself by establishing positive, healthy relationships and by working through my abuse with a professional psychologist; helping to understand why my choices were made and what I need to do to make certain I do not repeat them in the future. I started working with The Task Force on Family Violence. They have proven to be instrumental with providing my children and me a safe space to work through our trauma as well as assisting me with working through my behavioral choices and learning how to trust my intuition. Through my work with the Task Force, I was recently invited to take part in the Survivor Leadership Council training which will continue to help me with developing my support system. This program will provide me with a mentor in the community and will provide me with the opportunity to become involved in community advocacy regarding the effects of domestic violence and how to help those affected by it.
Two of the largest obstacles I can foresee in completing my educational plan is single parenting and very limited financial resource. I currently work 30 hours a week, which is enough to provide a roof over my family’s heads and food on the table with little else. If I were to work full time in my position I would be making too much money to qualify for state programs such as medical insurance and day care benefits. Private pay day care would cost me about $1,500.00 a month, which is far beyond my means. I had to reduce my hours just to stay eligible for this program. Ideally I would love to save enough money to dedicate my time to raising my children and my education. With three children, two of whom have special needs, single parenting is particularly difficult. Being a mother is undeniably the biggest job I will ever have, and it is my duty to be the best one I can be for my sons. This leads me to another obstacle I will face, time management. My incredibly active sons keep me on my toes all of the time. At present, their ages are 10, 9 and 2. My eldest boys love to play soccer and are very dedicated to their school team; this takes much time out of my schedule for practice once a week and two games on the weekend. My 10 year old also has high functioning Autism which certainly creates is own complexity. Currently, I have weekly conferences with his support team, ensuring that he gets the very best academic help that his school system has to offer. We proudly boast that at age 10 he has the mathematical understanding of a junior in high school. My youngest son is legally blind; we suspect he has 80-90% total vision loss. This has created many challenges for my household, all met with both tears and joy. I attempt to be as involved as possible with his therapy sessions and am hoping to mentor new families coming through the center we utilize for his therapy. In light of all of this, I have to pay extra attention to make sure my middle child is equally provided for. He has found a great interest in children’s theater and attends weekly classes with our local children’s theater company. The greatest Support system I have in place to help work through these obstacles has been my family, in particular, my mother. All along the way, she has been there to lend a helping hand; whether it be a bag of groceries or a mid week soccer practice, she is the one I can always count on.
Within the past two years, I have connected with various programs facilitated by the United Way including day care services provided by a community based outreach program (Children’s Outing Association) and the Center for Blind and Visually Impaired Children. The United Way has proven to be instrumental in assisting me to network within my community referring me to not only the programs previously listed, but also understanding how vital the Task Force has been (and will continue to be) such an asset in providing me with the support needed to help rebuild myself and my family.
I feel that I am a resilient, courageous woman who has the ability to connect to others. Throughout my life regardless of the adversity I faced, I continuously pushed myself to succeed. Living in an abusive household as a child, I managed to skip the eighth grade based on academic merit and maturity, I spent a semester my junior year studying in France on a full academic scholarship, and went on to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class. After high school, I was accepted into one of the top liberal arts colleges in the U.S. In light of the abuse I have suffered as an adult, I sought the best possible medical and educational programs for my 2 sons with special needs and they are both flourishing. I think that this clearly illustrates my resiliency. My courage provided the space for me to constantly challenge my choices and relationships and resulted in my ability to leave both of my abusers. As a mother, a woman, and a survivor, I am able to connect with other women and built supportive friendships throughout my journey. Most recently I was interviewed by United Way for an article featuring my son with blindness and the interviewer was in tears part way though our conversation. It shifted then, and seemed to no longer be about me and the programs we have utilized, but more so about helping her. She was a new mother and was feeling completely overwhelmed with caring for her infant daughter. My story gave her new insight into her own life and the perspective to make different choices.
I feel my weaknesses include always running on “survival” mode. Surviving puts me in a very defensive place. My defensiveness often leads to me be very stubborn and opinionated, not allowing for open communication. I feel like I always have to protect my family, to the point where I have difficulties letting other people in. My fear is that this presents my vulnerability and it is extremely hard for me to show that side of myself. I am diligently trying to work through my trust issues with the help of programs provided by the Task Force as well as my psychologist and my family, reassuring myself that the space I create for my family can be safe and trustworthy.
Influence from my mother has led me down the educational program I have chosen. She has instilled in her three daughters from early on to take a proactive role in our heath, to take pride in how our bodies work and to be as informed as possible with our choices. I feel a great passion for women’s healthcare and feel that a career in this field will not only give me great personal satisfaction, it will allow me to make an impact on other women’s lives and it will provide the financial security for my children that I have been working so hard to obtain. I feel that a career in the medical field, more specifically one that helps women find their voice in terms if reproductive health and birthing choices, is one I was meant to do. Taking part in the BSN program will allow me to actualize my goals and dreams for my family.
As a young girl I grew up in a home plagued by emotional, verbal, and physical violence. For eleven years I watched my step-father emotionally abuse my mother, physically abuse my younger sister, and endured his verbal attacks and abuse. My mother is an amazing woman, she is my hero - and for the good and bad, she taught me how to survive abuse. I carried this onto my late adolescence and became involved with my first physically abusive partner when I was 17. I was a bright eyed, optimistic, enjoyable young woman who felt ready to conquer the world and all of its injustices. I began dating my first abuser only a few months before I was supposed to move away for college to pursue a degree in urban studies and human rights. Instead, I spent the next seven years having all of my rights stripped away. I became pregnant with my first son six months into our relationship. The physical abuse started right around the same time. Late one night we were arguing and he punched me in the stomach. I left immediately for the police station. I spoke to a police officer that night; who saw a hysterical young woman in front of him and dismissed her. With no support or assistance from law enforcement, I left my abuser and attempted to have my baby on my own. I was so scared of being a single parent, of struggling just like I witnessed my mother do for so long, that I went back. I spent the next 7 years being degraded, humiliated, and physically abused. I also became a mother for the second time. Eventually, I left and attempted to repair all of the hurt that had been done to me and my 2 young children. Shortly thereafter I met and fell in love with my next abuser. Our connection was immediate; he made me feel so respected and cared for. We were together for several years when we decided to try to have a child together. About 4 months into my pregnancy he began to act really irrational and was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. He started to become extremely paranoid and physically possessive. He began alienating me from family and friends. He became physically abusive; grabbing me, pinning me down, pulling my hair out so severely that my scalp would bleed, and choking me. The abuse only escalated once our son was born. I needed to leave but was utterly and completely terrified. I began to think that maybe I deserved to be treated like this. I began having such severe panic attacks I could barely function. It was at this point that our infant son was diagnosed with almost complete blindness. He and I frantically clung to one another, trying our best to salvage our broken relationship…it felt so overwhelming. We were okay for a few months, but as I began reclaiming my financial independence and coming to terms with our sons’ disability, he started acting more irrational and the abuse began again. I knew I needed to leave but was so stuck in survival mode, I didn’t know how to leave and I was terrified of what the outcome would be if I did go.
One summer morning in July , 2006, we got into a huge argument on my way to work. I was physically assaulted by him, in front of my children. I was left scratched and bleeding, and completely hysterical. My children were dropped off at their summer camp and I begged and pleaded for him to bring me to my sisters, only a few blocks away. He brought me to her, knowing what would happen. I called the police immediately and they met him at our residence and arrested him for battery. I moved out that day. I also sought assistance with the Task Force on Family Violence to obtain a restraining order against him. He sought medical help immediately afterwards, even voluntarily checking himself into a mental health facility. Six months later, we attempted reconciliation again. Both of us felt much healthier and aware of what triggered the abuse in our relationship, or so I thought.
The last time I was physically battered was in February of 2007. He had looked in my cell phone and saw a phone number that he did not recognize. He asked me about the number, but didn’t believe my answer. He began yelling at me, getting very physically aggressive. He pointed his finger at me, continuing to yell, and then jabbed his finger into my nose, using so much force that he gave me a bloody nose. I ran out of the living room and into my bedroom. He followed and pulled me down onto the bed by my hair, he pulled so hard that a hug clump of my hair came out, causing me to bleed from my scalp. I begged and pleaded for him to stop. He was in such a rage that I did not recognize the man in front of me. After a few moments of me lying on the bed, bleeding, he seemed to come to. He saw what he had done and told me that he was sorry. He began to cry and he left my home that night. That was the last time he put his hands on me.
I have now taken on a new focus and outlook on my life to ensure I stay healthy and out of an abusive relationship. I know that if I don’t work on myself internally, I will continue to become involved with men who abuse me. It has been a dream of mine to graduate from college, however, with my abusive relationships; I have never been able to fulfill this goal. I have come to the realization that furthering my education would have led to establishing my independence and was not something to be supported by my past relationships. I have worked so hard to rebuild myself by establishing positive, healthy relationships and by working through my abuse with a professional psychologist; helping to understand why my choices were made and what I need to do to make certain I do not repeat them in the future. I started working with The Task Force on Family Violence. They have proven to be instrumental with providing my children and me a safe space to work through our trauma as well as assisting me with working through my behavioral choices and learning how to trust my intuition. Through my work with the Task Force, I was recently invited to take part in the Survivor Leadership Council training which will continue to help me with developing my support system. This program will provide me with a mentor in the community and will provide me with the opportunity to become involved in community advocacy regarding the effects of domestic violence and how to help those affected by it.
Two of the largest obstacles I can foresee in completing my educational plan is single parenting and very limited financial resource. I currently work 30 hours a week, which is enough to provide a roof over my family’s heads and food on the table with little else. If I were to work full time in my position I would be making too much money to qualify for state programs such as medical insurance and day care benefits. Private pay day care would cost me about $1,500.00 a month, which is far beyond my means. I had to reduce my hours just to stay eligible for this program. Ideally I would love to save enough money to dedicate my time to raising my children and my education. With three children, two of whom have special needs, single parenting is particularly difficult. Being a mother is undeniably the biggest job I will ever have, and it is my duty to be the best one I can be for my sons. This leads me to another obstacle I will face, time management. My incredibly active sons keep me on my toes all of the time. At present, their ages are 10, 9 and 2. My eldest boys love to play soccer and are very dedicated to their school team; this takes much time out of my schedule for practice once a week and two games on the weekend. My 10 year old also has high functioning Autism which certainly creates is own complexity. Currently, I have weekly conferences with his support team, ensuring that he gets the very best academic help that his school system has to offer. We proudly boast that at age 10 he has the mathematical understanding of a junior in high school. My youngest son is legally blind; we suspect he has 80-90% total vision loss. This has created many challenges for my household, all met with both tears and joy. I attempt to be as involved as possible with his therapy sessions and am hoping to mentor new families coming through the center we utilize for his therapy. In light of all of this, I have to pay extra attention to make sure my middle child is equally provided for. He has found a great interest in children’s theater and attends weekly classes with our local children’s theater company. The greatest Support system I have in place to help work through these obstacles has been my family, in particular, my mother. All along the way, she has been there to lend a helping hand; whether it be a bag of groceries or a mid week soccer practice, she is the one I can always count on.
Within the past two years, I have connected with various programs facilitated by the United Way including day care services provided by a community based outreach program (Children’s Outing Association) and the Center for Blind and Visually Impaired Children. The United Way has proven to be instrumental in assisting me to network within my community referring me to not only the programs previously listed, but also understanding how vital the Task Force has been (and will continue to be) such an asset in providing me with the support needed to help rebuild myself and my family.
I feel that I am a resilient, courageous woman who has the ability to connect to others. Throughout my life regardless of the adversity I faced, I continuously pushed myself to succeed. Living in an abusive household as a child, I managed to skip the eighth grade based on academic merit and maturity, I spent a semester my junior year studying in France on a full academic scholarship, and went on to graduate in the top 5% of my high school class. After high school, I was accepted into one of the top liberal arts colleges in the U.S. In light of the abuse I have suffered as an adult, I sought the best possible medical and educational programs for my 2 sons with special needs and they are both flourishing. I think that this clearly illustrates my resiliency. My courage provided the space for me to constantly challenge my choices and relationships and resulted in my ability to leave both of my abusers. As a mother, a woman, and a survivor, I am able to connect with other women and built supportive friendships throughout my journey. Most recently I was interviewed by United Way for an article featuring my son with blindness and the interviewer was in tears part way though our conversation. It shifted then, and seemed to no longer be about me and the programs we have utilized, but more so about helping her. She was a new mother and was feeling completely overwhelmed with caring for her infant daughter. My story gave her new insight into her own life and the perspective to make different choices.
I feel my weaknesses include always running on “survival” mode. Surviving puts me in a very defensive place. My defensiveness often leads to me be very stubborn and opinionated, not allowing for open communication. I feel like I always have to protect my family, to the point where I have difficulties letting other people in. My fear is that this presents my vulnerability and it is extremely hard for me to show that side of myself. I am diligently trying to work through my trust issues with the help of programs provided by the Task Force as well as my psychologist and my family, reassuring myself that the space I create for my family can be safe and trustworthy.
Influence from my mother has led me down the educational program I have chosen. She has instilled in her three daughters from early on to take a proactive role in our heath, to take pride in how our bodies work and to be as informed as possible with our choices. I feel a great passion for women’s healthcare and feel that a career in this field will not only give me great personal satisfaction, it will allow me to make an impact on other women’s lives and it will provide the financial security for my children that I have been working so hard to obtain. I feel that a career in the medical field, more specifically one that helps women find their voice in terms if reproductive health and birthing choices, is one I was meant to do. Taking part in the BSN program will allow me to actualize my goals and dreams for my family.