Wise men say only fools rush in....
I wanted to write Deven a text, but I thought it best that I write to myself.
Deven and I had a crazy start the week, all thanks to me. I broke up with him Sunday night over the drinking and smoking thinking I couldn't ask him to work with me. Lo and behold, I could.
I was walking Theodore by myself tonight because Becca had her breast implant surgery today. I had some thought that prompted me to message Deven but I was afraid he might not totally understand, so I thought it better to make a reminder for myself.
One of those thoughts was that, in some instances, things we want to share with some one (mostly related to thoughts/feelings) cannot be received as intensely as the person feeling them. Which, depending upon the feeling, makes sense. I was wishing that Deven could feel what I feel or that I could find a way to explain myself that I was able to convey feelings with words. I think empathy only goes so far and often times there aren't words to describe an ocean of emotions crashing together at once or to fully explain thoughts that strike as rapidly as lightning.
I'm not going to try and rationalize the conversation we had tonight because, somewhere along the line, our wires became crossed. I personally know I've felt a bit raw and vulnerable this week. Not seeing him has been harder after the little fallout I caused. This leads me to two other thoughts. Because of our conversation, it had me thinking of exes, particularly Chris and Dylan. In lonely moments, I have thought of them (Chris more so) and I've relied on pictures and videos to give me little boost imagining a time I was in love and happy. The more I've done that as time has gone on, the more I see my feelings changing. I love Chris, of course, and after the fact have been obsessed with him. I wonder how things would have played out if I was never arrested or, better yet, had I not let myself go off the deep end when we broke up and would interact. Even in our e-mails back and forth I was on my high horse and acting crazy. That said, I can watch the videos now and feel happy for past me. I feel happy that, at the time, we did love each other and have that moment together. It was rather short. The point is that I used to feel more emotional watching the videos of us but now I watch them and feel more introspective. It makes me reflect on who I was and how I've grown and changed. With Chris specifically, it makes me almost certain he would still find fault in who I am. Watching the two of us feels like I'm watching a movie rather than myself. I know it's me but it's not me today. I notice a level a detachment that I'm glad I can pick up on. I've become less "triggered" as time has gone on. Finally, at almost 40, I'm learning that I can reminisce without having to bring the feelings with the memories or, at least, have a buffer of awareness that those feelings do not live in the present.
Also while walking Theodore, I realized that I have become the men who have hurt me. I didn't talk to Deven about my feelings and instead told him I was certain of my decision to break-up. At the time, I thought I was. Tonight it dawned on me that I did what men in my past have done: I thought I didn't want/couldn't accept something and, instead of discuss it, I ran. I think that's simplifying it quite a bit but it makes me question why I did what I did. I think I was afraid of getting hurt, too close, too far along... maybe it's the fear that, at some point, he will leave me too and so I should do it first. There are some secondary things like my routine with Becca and the comfort in that.
I wanted to write more but I am so tired; I need to close my eyes.
We will see what happens. I'm excited albeit cautious, almost uneasy. I am hoping I can continue to quiet my fears.