Lightning strikes, maybe once, maybe twice...
I met a boy yesterday. I guess he checks all of my boxes on paper - cute, my age-ish, no kids, has the "look" I like, introverted, loner. We texted for a bit; I stayed up longer than I should have because I was so excited. I had a hard time falling asleep at the thought of us going to Fort Lauderdale together. At some point between falling asleep, it dawned on me that I was getting so wrapped at, really, nothing... at the thought of what COULD be.
It made me think about Tyler and the feeling of anxiety I had in that situation. I wanted him to act a certain way, message me right away, call me often. I guess I wanted what other men have given me up until this point, but I don't think it can always be that way. I don't know that I can keep expecting some one to message me immediately as I would do for them or to text me first thing in the morning or want to call while they're driving to work. Tyler did used to call, but the whole kid thing and having to live here isn't an idea I like.
I believe that life will bring me what is meant for me... it will bring me the man I do or don't belong with, the people I need to meet, the experiences I need to have, and will provide for me. I want to let go and trust more.
I've walked every morning since last Tuesday (9/3/24) and I feel proud of myself for just doing it. I've tried to make excuses, but I've, ultimately, just fought past them. My Oura Ring is coming tomorrow and I'm going to try and look at new shoes at some point soon. I bought the Bellicon rebounder. I'm looking forward to feeling better and being a bit healthier. Walking actually makes me happy.
I suppose I'm afraid of being alone and what the future will look like if I am. I think back to panicking at 30 and the things that happened because I was scared to break up with Sarge. Granted, we didn't stay together that much longer but it truly was so much time wasted with something I knew I didn't want deep down, but it felt less painful to be with him than to be alone.
I know I'd rather wait for the right thing than keep the wrong, at this point.
I guess it's time for sleeps.