Jesus wept...
I haven't written in a hot minute. I usually look back at my last entry, but I'm not going that now.
I got in Kyse Perfumes today - Cocco alla Vaniglia, Zucchero Filato, Douceur Brulee, and Macarons. I REALLY love the ZF, thinking I enjoy the Mac the second most.
I finished work feeling very tired but woke up feeling more awake and happier than usual. I dreamt about being stuck visiting relatives with my parents and fight with my Mom trying to get them to take us back home. I ended up finding an expensive, random flight and leaving by myself. It reminds me of another dream I had a while where I got in a sphere to fly and I think we were flying through space.
I had to consel some one on being open and non-confrontational. I felt like a hypocrite thinking about each interaction I have with Tonya and last one involving Lanie and training. I let my emotions come out and lash out. I need to be mindful of having more control. In turn, that reminds me of the crazy way I acted with Chris, which is embarrassing.
I tried write him recently but all of his emails are shut down. All of the ones I knew in the past, anyway. I think that's good though. Of course I could reach out to him on Facebook, but why do that? He's married and I don't think it's worth that trouble. He knows how to reach me if he ever wanted to. I keep hanging on to the fantasy that he will, while at the same time, I don't think that would be very. I guess it could go either way.
I realize that I still fixate on saying certain things, repetive phrases and questions. I kept asking Chris why he didn't love me while simultaneously treating him badly. Still, I think who I've become would be an issue. In many ways, I'm still the same toxic person - a cycle of bad thoughts, bad money choices, and wanting things to always be my way. In fairness to myself, I can step back and see those things now and I couldn't do that before. I'm more of who I am and the things I'm doing, but it is hard in the moment.
I've thought of Tyler lately and, in thinking of him, I find myself realizing it's the projection of what I want to see and feel for the reason I like him. Maybe I could have given him more of a chance, but I felt like I was going crazy, and I don't think I deserve that. I pushed all of my feelings on him at once and I made him tell me things.
I'm tired now. I really want to wake up and go for a walk. I'm hoping I can push myself to do that.