If I live to see seven wonders I'll make a path to the rainbow's end...
Click to viewFrom my last post, I was clearly a bit broken up, haha. However, a little nap helped to get me back on track. I've very much enjoyed creating YouTube videos. I was going to make another vlog entry for here but figured I'd write since I'm in the office all day and will likely be too tired to want to vlog later.
I started out the morning overthinking, as is usual. Somehow my mind wandered to Jeannie when I thought of Brandon. I thought about the texts he was still sending her as short as 2 months before we met, how I had to say something to get him to change her name in his phone, and how he was complacent enough to stay with her for ten years. This turned into wondering why I'm not hearing from him like she did and why he isn't trying to make things work like he did with her. I questioned for how long I would be labeled "Eden My Goddess" and his screen savers of us would stay on his phone, or if they've already been changed. I quickly reminded myself that, firstly, none of these things are relevant. Secondly, these are stories I'm telling myself to try and rationalize why I feel different from other relationships Brandon had, why it has been so *seemingly* easy for him to walk away from our relationship, and why it *seems* I care more.
As I began the drive to meet my Mom, I reminded myself that it's easy to focus and lean on those thoughts as I've always done. The key is consciously being aware that I'm, one, creating these stories and, two, that they attach me to a negative situation and mindset. I remind myself I'm right where I need to be, and I tell the universe that I'm ready to move forward and manifest the true love that I deserve. The whole process is fascinating. I've never made this much of a concerted effort to re-mold myself, let alone after a break-up of all times. This particular break-up is also unusual for me. There's a mix of wanting it and not. I miss Brandon in every way - romantically, friendship, sexually - but I also see the many ways in which our union left me unfulfilled. As with Sarge, I feel that I've made a substantial emotional investment without much return and that the writing is on the wall. At this point, I firmly believe that he could not be the person I want him to be, but that's OK.
I've felt bad throughout our relationship because I kept feeling as though he needed to be something he wasn't to make me happy. I felt guilty for not being able to accept him and the situation fully when he ALWAYS accepted me. So, here, the analysis of it all should be complete. I keep re-examining my conclusions and searching for ways that things can be different to favor our longevity. I want there to be a way for things to work out, but every sign shows me that this is the right path. I'm holding on to memories, songs, and feelings that all act as bungee cords.