Is it the sweet things you fear you'll lose if I get near to you?
Well, today is the last day of "vacation."
I wrote my last entry on 12/23, which was a week ago tomorrow. I didn't know, but I did know what would happen between now and then. Now, I'm sitting on my lanai with the sunset, Baron and Gran. Everything came to a head today. We woke up early, we sat on the lanai; he had coffee while I had tea. I tried to open the dialogue I've been waiting to have, but it ended quickly. Brandon suggested we go to the flea market. Something he said to me during our discussion dawned on me: "I don't know whether I should stay here or go back." At that moment, I realized that we were possibly at that flea market for the last time. Honestly, I got angry and sad. I felt the lump in my throat, nausea, and the tears welling up. Is that what I deserve?
I brought up what I was thinking, and we left shortly after. Everything let loose in the car. Even today, Brandon said that, yes, we are different, but we're also a lot alike. That might be true, but our differences are irreconcilable. I end up with another stubborn Capricorn who can't talk. What I said and how I feel is that I need to make the decision for him since he's having trouble making it. I said I would like for him to go back to NC. He said he thought to be here was going to be easier, and he feels as though he's left everything behind. This is what changed his mind the first time. My pressing the issue of sex has been building up for him as well. In fairness, I take full responsibility for all the snide remarks I make on an almost daily basis. I talked to myself about that all of the time, and I just couldn't get a handle on it. It was my reaction to the lack thereof, and it seemed that my concerns never got any attention.
Either way, here we are. I've said that I would like him to leave by Friday, which is the 3rd. He doesn't think he can tow a trailer again like he did when we came here, so he thinks he needs to leave a bunch of big things behind, which I hope isn't the case. I'd like to give him money to get back, rent a trailer, and be able to rent a storage unit. At the moment, I feel fine. The first day always feels fine. I'm curious to see what tomorrow and the next days will bring. I woke up in the early morning, and I couldn't get our relationship out of my head. I was feeling anxious because we hadn't talked, and I was searching for reasons why we shouldn't continue. I thought that I shouldn't have gone any further from the moment he told me about Michelle. At that very moment, I even let myself get mad, telling myself he was deceptive about it. At the time, I recall him mentioning he liked to dress up sometimes but that it wasn't any big deal. To any stranger he meets, he uses the word "transgender." That part of our relationship had always been an issue for me, and I should have stuck to my guns back then.
Then, I thought, is there any reason to look at the past like that? No, there isn't. I chose to move forward knowing what I know; I'm just searching for a reason to be angry. I impressed all of these expectations on Brandon. He was the hip, handsome, 40's bartender who was ready to settle down, and I thought we could have this fantastical, love-filled adventure. In the short year that we knew each other, we've done quite a bit. Our six short months were magical for me, and we probably should have left things there. See me trying to comfort myself? This is a much bigger deal than past break-ups, maybe. This one involves a move between states, and we've left ghosts all over this town and in my own home. I am utterly terrified at the idea of anything of his staying at my house. Now is the time to purge.
God help me tomorrow, and each day after that to manage the pain ahead. God help Brandon too. Here comes another journey to get to the other side. At the start of this relationship, I told myself all of the things that I knew I needed to do differently to make this relationship a success, and what did I do? I ignored each of those things. I slept with someone else in the second month. I began talking to Chris in the third month. Right before Brandon and I went to visit my parents in the fourth month, I started talking about sex with Chris. I played head games the whole time. I, obviously, beat the topic of sex to death. In ways, I am too hard on myself, and, in others, I didn't learn my lesson. At a minimum, I deserve a partner who I can communicate with. I deserve a partner who will collaborate with me and plan to overcome obstacles. I began to feel lonely again when I was sitting next to the person who was supposed to love me.
The sun has set now, and I'm in the dark. I will wake up to leave in the darkness tomorrow. I pray for peace. God, please give me peace. Please give me the strength to make it through each day. Please help me keep my mind away from terrible thoughts. I do wish this relationship could have worked. God, we even talked about marriage. I'm tired now. I suppose there isn't much more to say. I will have to find my way.
I wrote my last entry on 12/23, which was a week ago tomorrow. I didn't know, but I did know what would happen between now and then. Now, I'm sitting on my lanai with the sunset, Baron and Gran. Everything came to a head today. We woke up early, we sat on the lanai; he had coffee while I had tea. I tried to open the dialogue I've been waiting to have, but it ended quickly. Brandon suggested we go to the flea market. Something he said to me during our discussion dawned on me: "I don't know whether I should stay here or go back." At that moment, I realized that we were possibly at that flea market for the last time. Honestly, I got angry and sad. I felt the lump in my throat, nausea, and the tears welling up. Is that what I deserve?
I brought up what I was thinking, and we left shortly after. Everything let loose in the car. Even today, Brandon said that, yes, we are different, but we're also a lot alike. That might be true, but our differences are irreconcilable. I end up with another stubborn Capricorn who can't talk. What I said and how I feel is that I need to make the decision for him since he's having trouble making it. I said I would like for him to go back to NC. He said he thought to be here was going to be easier, and he feels as though he's left everything behind. This is what changed his mind the first time. My pressing the issue of sex has been building up for him as well. In fairness, I take full responsibility for all the snide remarks I make on an almost daily basis. I talked to myself about that all of the time, and I just couldn't get a handle on it. It was my reaction to the lack thereof, and it seemed that my concerns never got any attention.
Either way, here we are. I've said that I would like him to leave by Friday, which is the 3rd. He doesn't think he can tow a trailer again like he did when we came here, so he thinks he needs to leave a bunch of big things behind, which I hope isn't the case. I'd like to give him money to get back, rent a trailer, and be able to rent a storage unit. At the moment, I feel fine. The first day always feels fine. I'm curious to see what tomorrow and the next days will bring. I woke up in the early morning, and I couldn't get our relationship out of my head. I was feeling anxious because we hadn't talked, and I was searching for reasons why we shouldn't continue. I thought that I shouldn't have gone any further from the moment he told me about Michelle. At that very moment, I even let myself get mad, telling myself he was deceptive about it. At the time, I recall him mentioning he liked to dress up sometimes but that it wasn't any big deal. To any stranger he meets, he uses the word "transgender." That part of our relationship had always been an issue for me, and I should have stuck to my guns back then.
Then, I thought, is there any reason to look at the past like that? No, there isn't. I chose to move forward knowing what I know; I'm just searching for a reason to be angry. I impressed all of these expectations on Brandon. He was the hip, handsome, 40's bartender who was ready to settle down, and I thought we could have this fantastical, love-filled adventure. In the short year that we knew each other, we've done quite a bit. Our six short months were magical for me, and we probably should have left things there. See me trying to comfort myself? This is a much bigger deal than past break-ups, maybe. This one involves a move between states, and we've left ghosts all over this town and in my own home. I am utterly terrified at the idea of anything of his staying at my house. Now is the time to purge.
God help me tomorrow, and each day after that to manage the pain ahead. God help Brandon too. Here comes another journey to get to the other side. At the start of this relationship, I told myself all of the things that I knew I needed to do differently to make this relationship a success, and what did I do? I ignored each of those things. I slept with someone else in the second month. I began talking to Chris in the third month. Right before Brandon and I went to visit my parents in the fourth month, I started talking about sex with Chris. I played head games the whole time. I, obviously, beat the topic of sex to death. In ways, I am too hard on myself, and, in others, I didn't learn my lesson. At a minimum, I deserve a partner who I can communicate with. I deserve a partner who will collaborate with me and plan to overcome obstacles. I began to feel lonely again when I was sitting next to the person who was supposed to love me.
The sun has set now, and I'm in the dark. I will wake up to leave in the darkness tomorrow. I pray for peace. God, please give me peace. Please give me the strength to make it through each day. Please help me keep my mind away from terrible thoughts. I do wish this relationship could have worked. God, we even talked about marriage. I'm tired now. I suppose there isn't much more to say. I will have to find my way.