I know you're living in my mind; it's not the same as being alive...
12/17/2019:
I'm feeling funny at the moment. Last night I Brandon and I were sitting on the couch, and I turned to him and asked what he would do if I told him I didn't love him anymore. He responded, saying he would try to figure out why and then would likely go back to NC. In true Eden fashion, I pushed the envelope by proceeding to tell him I didn't love him anymore. I played along as if I was serious when he questioned me just to see how things would play out. Of course, that put a damper on the evening, and I added unnecessary drama into our already stressful situation.
I've been thinking of that all day today. I ultimately admitted that I wasn't serious, but Brandon thinks I partly meant it, and he knows I'm unhappy (in ways) with our relationship. I feel silly that I keep acting impulsively and sowing seeds of negativity to hurt us in the future. On the flip side, there is truth in what I'm saying, but rather it's the truth of the worries in my head, not that I blatantly have fallen out of love.
12/19/2019:
I was writing the above and stopped, obviously. I was listening to the "New Mindset Who Dis" podcast this morning, and Case mentioned a Tony Robbins quote, which is as follows:
"Questions control what you focus on. What you focus on is what you feel. What you feel is your experience of life."
It's always been amusing to me how overcomplicated we, humans, can make things and how simple answers are staring us in the face. For me, personally, it's a divine sign to help me find my path. I always ask myself questions that tend to dwell on the negative aspect of situations. More recently, I've become consumed with questions about my relationship.
12/22/2019:
I see the synchronicity in this entry; it couldn't have flowed better.
I'm sitting at Silver Springs, on a rainy day, on my own. There are echoes of the beautiful, sunny days that Brandon and I spent here at every step. Today is grey and quiet as I feel inside. Even my outfit fits with the scenery: grey and blue.
I opened my mouth again last night. I said more than I did the other night. I can't deny that what I want in my life is a fierce masculine presence, although, whether that's what I need or not, is unknown. What I've come to learn is that I need to be the opposite of what I want: If I want masculinity, I need to tone down my own and enhance my femininity. Still, I think the best-case scenario is balance. Brandon and I are oh so close, but not quite there. His masculinity is too tame, too passive, and femininity too extreme. On a more personal note, my expectations still impose barriers. I envy how fluid Brandon and others are. I feel that I can be too judgmental and rigid, but those things bring me comfort. I have tried to step out of my box, out of my comfort zone, but feel, in a way, that I am also settling. The biggest question unanswered is how to I begin to be happy?
There's a sadness that sits below my surface. I have plenty of moments of enjoyment, but in the stillness, it often returns to the forefront. I am learning, now, how to examine it with gentle awareness and acceptance. For so long, I tried desperately to push it away. The harder I pushed, the further I would be consumed. Now, I can acknowledge it and allow it to accompany me as I would a warmer, friendlier emotion.
There is a vision I have, a gift of vision to see through things and perceive the world differently. It's most enhanced when I'm alone and allowed to wander. I fight seeing what's right for myself when it makes me uncomfortable. I question everything. So many questions and rarely any answers. My question now is how can Brandon and I be happiest? How can I honor myself? I think of what I've always said to Brandon about being able to get through anything. I've said it in all of my relationships. Brandon finally answers realistically that it would be something we would both want to do. How true that is. Any two people could get through anything if it's what they both want to do. I have relied on reassurance from my partners to decide how I will proceed.
Brandon asks me what I expect him to do or how he should react. I've told him that I don't expect anything. The larger truth is that I expect that he will be true to his nature and be as passive as he has continued to be. We will not speak much about what's happening, and he will end up back in Raleigh. Throughout our relationship, I had hoped and wished for a fire. By coming here, he gave me that, in a way, but each passing day moves us further away from that moment. I hope for dreams and expect reality.
Death doesn't have to be such a scary and taboo thing. It could be a light rain falling on a placid lake. Watching the ripples sail off in every direction. Floating along the water's surface, caressed by gentle waves. It could be swimming, submerged in the melody of piano strings. An everlasting, beautiful song. Nature and harmonies. Laying on the wet grass and feeling the chill of where raindrops hit bare skin with each gust of wind. Forever dancing with the wind as a partner. Flying wherever it wants to take you. Being free and weightless. Keeping a watchful eye on the world.
I have forever wondered where I belonged, but that place is my answer. I am a Goddess not meant to live among people. I'm a whisper. I'm a guiding hand. I am seen wherever I go. Walking the earth like a hauntingly beautiful apparition. I'm seen, but I'm a ghost. I belong in the light. I belong in soft, sweet whispers and in the wildest, loudest laughter. I belong in the radiant brilliance of bright and blazing sunny days and the deepest darkness of quiet, star-filled, and moon-soaked nights. I'm just a dream. I'm the dreamer who never wakes. I shape and reshape the world around me. I find myself in loneliness and solitude. There are one breath and a single tread of footsteps. Why should I ever fear the darkness? Why should I succumb to being a cog in a machine? Which is the worst death? I'm the Phoenix who burns to ash only to reignite once more. I must be my own light, my own fire, but I have searched for another fire that could burn intensely as mine dimmed.
There mustn't always be words or explanations, my dear, but the fluidity you wish you embrace. Moments and dreams pass. There is a time for serenity and a time for chaos, but neither will last forever. We anchor to the beautiful moments to save ourselves from the lumps in our throats. The uncomfortable lump that makes us aware that we've set adrift. Our tether has broken. We are always caught up in the process, stuck in the in-between. It's a dance that starts exhilarating and becomes tiresome. After a rest, we do it all again. In the madness, there is sanity, and within the sanity, there is madness. Darling, you age, but there is always the child alongside you. Sometimes the child may lead; other times you may lead it, while others you are hand in hand. There's just you in the end. Be free.
I'm feeling funny at the moment. Last night I Brandon and I were sitting on the couch, and I turned to him and asked what he would do if I told him I didn't love him anymore. He responded, saying he would try to figure out why and then would likely go back to NC. In true Eden fashion, I pushed the envelope by proceeding to tell him I didn't love him anymore. I played along as if I was serious when he questioned me just to see how things would play out. Of course, that put a damper on the evening, and I added unnecessary drama into our already stressful situation.
I've been thinking of that all day today. I ultimately admitted that I wasn't serious, but Brandon thinks I partly meant it, and he knows I'm unhappy (in ways) with our relationship. I feel silly that I keep acting impulsively and sowing seeds of negativity to hurt us in the future. On the flip side, there is truth in what I'm saying, but rather it's the truth of the worries in my head, not that I blatantly have fallen out of love.
12/19/2019:
I was writing the above and stopped, obviously. I was listening to the "New Mindset Who Dis" podcast this morning, and Case mentioned a Tony Robbins quote, which is as follows:
"Questions control what you focus on. What you focus on is what you feel. What you feel is your experience of life."
It's always been amusing to me how overcomplicated we, humans, can make things and how simple answers are staring us in the face. For me, personally, it's a divine sign to help me find my path. I always ask myself questions that tend to dwell on the negative aspect of situations. More recently, I've become consumed with questions about my relationship.
12/22/2019:
I see the synchronicity in this entry; it couldn't have flowed better.
I'm sitting at Silver Springs, on a rainy day, on my own. There are echoes of the beautiful, sunny days that Brandon and I spent here at every step. Today is grey and quiet as I feel inside. Even my outfit fits with the scenery: grey and blue.
I opened my mouth again last night. I said more than I did the other night. I can't deny that what I want in my life is a fierce masculine presence, although, whether that's what I need or not, is unknown. What I've come to learn is that I need to be the opposite of what I want: If I want masculinity, I need to tone down my own and enhance my femininity. Still, I think the best-case scenario is balance. Brandon and I are oh so close, but not quite there. His masculinity is too tame, too passive, and femininity too extreme. On a more personal note, my expectations still impose barriers. I envy how fluid Brandon and others are. I feel that I can be too judgmental and rigid, but those things bring me comfort. I have tried to step out of my box, out of my comfort zone, but feel, in a way, that I am also settling. The biggest question unanswered is how to I begin to be happy?
There's a sadness that sits below my surface. I have plenty of moments of enjoyment, but in the stillness, it often returns to the forefront. I am learning, now, how to examine it with gentle awareness and acceptance. For so long, I tried desperately to push it away. The harder I pushed, the further I would be consumed. Now, I can acknowledge it and allow it to accompany me as I would a warmer, friendlier emotion.
There is a vision I have, a gift of vision to see through things and perceive the world differently. It's most enhanced when I'm alone and allowed to wander. I fight seeing what's right for myself when it makes me uncomfortable. I question everything. So many questions and rarely any answers. My question now is how can Brandon and I be happiest? How can I honor myself? I think of what I've always said to Brandon about being able to get through anything. I've said it in all of my relationships. Brandon finally answers realistically that it would be something we would both want to do. How true that is. Any two people could get through anything if it's what they both want to do. I have relied on reassurance from my partners to decide how I will proceed.
Brandon asks me what I expect him to do or how he should react. I've told him that I don't expect anything. The larger truth is that I expect that he will be true to his nature and be as passive as he has continued to be. We will not speak much about what's happening, and he will end up back in Raleigh. Throughout our relationship, I had hoped and wished for a fire. By coming here, he gave me that, in a way, but each passing day moves us further away from that moment. I hope for dreams and expect reality.
Death doesn't have to be such a scary and taboo thing. It could be a light rain falling on a placid lake. Watching the ripples sail off in every direction. Floating along the water's surface, caressed by gentle waves. It could be swimming, submerged in the melody of piano strings. An everlasting, beautiful song. Nature and harmonies. Laying on the wet grass and feeling the chill of where raindrops hit bare skin with each gust of wind. Forever dancing with the wind as a partner. Flying wherever it wants to take you. Being free and weightless. Keeping a watchful eye on the world.
I have forever wondered where I belonged, but that place is my answer. I am a Goddess not meant to live among people. I'm a whisper. I'm a guiding hand. I am seen wherever I go. Walking the earth like a hauntingly beautiful apparition. I'm seen, but I'm a ghost. I belong in the light. I belong in soft, sweet whispers and in the wildest, loudest laughter. I belong in the radiant brilliance of bright and blazing sunny days and the deepest darkness of quiet, star-filled, and moon-soaked nights. I'm just a dream. I'm the dreamer who never wakes. I shape and reshape the world around me. I find myself in loneliness and solitude. There are one breath and a single tread of footsteps. Why should I ever fear the darkness? Why should I succumb to being a cog in a machine? Which is the worst death? I'm the Phoenix who burns to ash only to reignite once more. I must be my own light, my own fire, but I have searched for another fire that could burn intensely as mine dimmed.
There mustn't always be words or explanations, my dear, but the fluidity you wish you embrace. Moments and dreams pass. There is a time for serenity and a time for chaos, but neither will last forever. We anchor to the beautiful moments to save ourselves from the lumps in our throats. The uncomfortable lump that makes us aware that we've set adrift. Our tether has broken. We are always caught up in the process, stuck in the in-between. It's a dance that starts exhilarating and becomes tiresome. After a rest, we do it all again. In the madness, there is sanity, and within the sanity, there is madness. Darling, you age, but there is always the child alongside you. Sometimes the child may lead; other times you may lead it, while others you are hand in hand. There's just you in the end. Be free.