I hate this...friends shouldnt be this hard to make..
Feeling shitty is not a good feeling nor do I want to continue feeling the way I do. I am sick of it. It is a horrible feeling that only I can make better. Everything has been getting to me lately. It sucks. I ruin things by opening my big mouth. I s h ould just keep it shut or glue it or something.
Last night online I was talking to Nick. i donno what came over me but I decided I was gonna tell him how I felt about certain things. Like me and him hanging out. We always say we are gonna do things and they never pull though. I donno about any of you but after talking to someone on the computer for 3 months and having them only live like 15 mins away from you and you two STILL never hanging out. I mean wouldnt that kinda make you feel like there was no want to? I donno. I really wanna be his friend. And the whole liking him thing is over and done with. I really hope he doesnt think I still like him. Caz I thought that that was maybe why we did hang out. Because he would feel weird knowing I like him or something. I had told him a few weeks ago that the "liking Nick THAT way ship has sailed." I guess it is up to him if he wants to believe that or not.
It just really sucks. I really though me and him could get close. *In the aspect of being FRIENDS.* Like we are interested in a lot of the same things, music, being one of them. And I have always wanted to work with him on music. He had asked me once if I would be interested in singing a song of his, or something like that. And eventhough I would be nervous behond belief I would have done it! I think I would have been an shell breaking experience. But who am I kidding. I should of known by now that it was just going to be said and nothing would be done about it.
And I am sure this is all coming off like I am mad at Nick. But thats not the case. I am mad at myself m ore then anyone else. I am the loser here. I mean I shouldnt just leave it up to Nick to define plans and whatnot. I did try tho! I really did. It seemed like I was always the only one saying "hey we should do something." or "wanna hang out?" and I am always the one to call him. I mean friends call friends, right? It just makes me feel like he doesnt wanna be my friend. Eventhough he said he does. And he is a wonderful person. Always there for me when I need to take out my problems on someone, always there to offer advice. Just over all a good guy. But I have realized I have WAY too many online relationships. My best friend Brittnee lives in Florida along with a few other people I have become very close with. And they live in fucking FL! I have no choice but to only talk to them through the phone and computer. And as from my friends here. I dont have many. I do have some! And I love those girls dearly! But over the past year I have lost a few. So when I started talking to Nick I thought it was wonderful. I thought that becomeing friends with someone that doesnt go to my school was a great thing! It would give me an oppertunity to get to meet new people and all that. Because dont get me wrong. I do wanna be Nick's friend but I would also love to meet his group of friends. I am sure they are a group of wonderful talented people, like Nick. But I dont see it happening.
I spent a good part of my night crying my eyes out. I called Brittnee sobbing my brains out. Not caz of the Nick thing tho. Don't get me wrong that had a lot to do with it, but it was a lot of things and feelings that I felt that I needed to get out. The feeling of being unwanted as a friend was one of them. I dont understand why I am not "friend material." It sucks never feeling like you can fit in. Or that people dont like you for being yourself. And it hurts. And as a result of that pain I cried all last night. After I was done talking to Britt I went downstairs and told me mom I was sick and couldnt go to school tomorrow. So I am not in school right now. Anyway, after that I went upstairs into Erin's room and just cried to her for a good while. She is am amazing person and I thank God she is in my life. She keeps me sane. She feels for me too. I can tell. I know it upsets her to see me so upset about things. She tried to help with with my friend situation here and also the Nick thing. She told me just to stop trying so hard to be his friend. If he really wants to be my friend he will make an attempt to be. Its not fair for me to be the only one trying. And I guess she is right. I also feel really needy and I think Nick views me that way. Since I am always asking if he wanted to do things and stuff now that I look back I did come off very needy. Like I NEEDED to have a friend. And that isnt how I wanted to look or sound. Not at all. I just wanted to have a nother friend. Thats it. So I doubt after my convo with him last night he would ever wanna talk to me again. He probably thinks I am crazy or something. But, eh.. Wh owould blame him?
):(LaUrEn):(
Last night online I was talking to Nick. i donno what came over me but I decided I was gonna tell him how I felt about certain things. Like me and him hanging out. We always say we are gonna do things and they never pull though. I donno about any of you but after talking to someone on the computer for 3 months and having them only live like 15 mins away from you and you two STILL never hanging out. I mean wouldnt that kinda make you feel like there was no want to? I donno. I really wanna be his friend. And the whole liking him thing is over and done with. I really hope he doesnt think I still like him. Caz I thought that that was maybe why we did hang out. Because he would feel weird knowing I like him or something. I had told him a few weeks ago that the "liking Nick THAT way ship has sailed." I guess it is up to him if he wants to believe that or not.
It just really sucks. I really though me and him could get close. *In the aspect of being FRIENDS.* Like we are interested in a lot of the same things, music, being one of them. And I have always wanted to work with him on music. He had asked me once if I would be interested in singing a song of his, or something like that. And eventhough I would be nervous behond belief I would have done it! I think I would have been an shell breaking experience. But who am I kidding. I should of known by now that it was just going to be said and nothing would be done about it.
And I am sure this is all coming off like I am mad at Nick. But thats not the case. I am mad at myself m ore then anyone else. I am the loser here. I mean I shouldnt just leave it up to Nick to define plans and whatnot. I did try tho! I really did. It seemed like I was always the only one saying "hey we should do something." or "wanna hang out?" and I am always the one to call him. I mean friends call friends, right? It just makes me feel like he doesnt wanna be my friend. Eventhough he said he does. And he is a wonderful person. Always there for me when I need to take out my problems on someone, always there to offer advice. Just over all a good guy. But I have realized I have WAY too many online relationships. My best friend Brittnee lives in Florida along with a few other people I have become very close with. And they live in fucking FL! I have no choice but to only talk to them through the phone and computer. And as from my friends here. I dont have many. I do have some! And I love those girls dearly! But over the past year I have lost a few. So when I started talking to Nick I thought it was wonderful. I thought that becomeing friends with someone that doesnt go to my school was a great thing! It would give me an oppertunity to get to meet new people and all that. Because dont get me wrong. I do wanna be Nick's friend but I would also love to meet his group of friends. I am sure they are a group of wonderful talented people, like Nick. But I dont see it happening.
I spent a good part of my night crying my eyes out. I called Brittnee sobbing my brains out. Not caz of the Nick thing tho. Don't get me wrong that had a lot to do with it, but it was a lot of things and feelings that I felt that I needed to get out. The feeling of being unwanted as a friend was one of them. I dont understand why I am not "friend material." It sucks never feeling like you can fit in. Or that people dont like you for being yourself. And it hurts. And as a result of that pain I cried all last night. After I was done talking to Britt I went downstairs and told me mom I was sick and couldnt go to school tomorrow. So I am not in school right now. Anyway, after that I went upstairs into Erin's room and just cried to her for a good while. She is am amazing person and I thank God she is in my life. She keeps me sane. She feels for me too. I can tell. I know it upsets her to see me so upset about things. She tried to help with with my friend situation here and also the Nick thing. She told me just to stop trying so hard to be his friend. If he really wants to be my friend he will make an attempt to be. Its not fair for me to be the only one trying. And I guess she is right. I also feel really needy and I think Nick views me that way. Since I am always asking if he wanted to do things and stuff now that I look back I did come off very needy. Like I NEEDED to have a friend. And that isnt how I wanted to look or sound. Not at all. I just wanted to have a nother friend. Thats it. So I doubt after my convo with him last night he would ever wanna talk to me again. He probably thinks I am crazy or something. But, eh.. Wh owould blame him?
):(LaUrEn):(