(no subject)
And the diagnosis is that I suffer from a chronic inability to make a decision and see that decision through. This is clearly evident from the flip-flopping that has so far plagued my post-undergraduate path in life. I often get the feeling that the frequency of my almost-career-changes is the product of my own mind tricking me into believing that I've made a decision with enough conviction to forge ahead in my determined path, and that I truly know that that decision is what I really want to pursue. In reality, the truth is that I really haven't made a decision, and that I don't really know what I want. Still. I believe this is due to the fact that I am:
1. an ignoramus with regard to what any particular field really entails - my romanticized notions of any given field are probably as far from the realities as it can get, or at least, aren't comprehensive in that my mind leaves out the shitty parts, OR:
2. too impulsive to be truly interested in anything, but rather temporarily fascinated by certain things at certain times, OR:
3. all of the above
Like I said to Gil earlier:
I sometimes see people as falling into two categories: pragmatists and intellectuals. Pragmatists are those who study and work in fields like accounting/finance (which fall under the blanket of business), medicine and law, and intellectuals are those that study in the liberal arts or sciences and take up positions in academia or at think tanks. I don't comfortably fit into either category and don't feel like it's possible to have one foot on either side (at least, not in the end). At this point, I'm just trying to determine which side to pledge allegiance to and as a precursor to that, determine which side sucks less.
I often get the feeling that I'll end up walking the pragmatist's line while pursuing intellectual interests on a recreational basis, even though I'd probably be far more fulfilled by pursuing my intellectual interests on an academic level. This will likely result in me feeling like a treasonous bastard for considering itellectually sourced criticisms of my corporate (pragmatist) overlords or, in a post-apocalyptic future, fearing persecution for exposing myself to such blasphemous materials (burn those books!).
I'll credit Gil with observing that in the past, I probably wanted to be a rich fuck because it'd allow me to pursue my own interests. The catch is that I didn't realize until now that I'd have to spend most of my time in an attempt to accumulate my vast fortune, delaying the pursuit of my own interests until my physical body is more or less ready to die. He's probably right, although my interests at the time were probably something along the lines of owning a Porsche and swimming in a pool of money, or more simply put, materialistic impulses. I guess things have changed a bit since then. Where's my silver spoon and my fucking inheritance? I want to ponder multiple disciplines at my own snail's pace like a renaissance man of days gone by. It's just a shame that this largely pragmatist run world doesn't allow me to do this on any level which doesn't involve the sacrifice of personal health/safety/comfort and/or hygiene.
This self-sacrifice issue has me debating the merits of taking, at the bare minimum, another 2+ years to obtain an undergraduate degree in another discipline before even getting the opportunity to consider graduate studies. This means that I'll have to, at a bare minimum, live an extra 2+ years at home, eventually making me 27, unemployed, and living at home without any sizeable savings or lucrative career opportunities to speak of. So in addition to sacrificing personal health/safety/comfort and hygiene, I end up sacrificing sex (and I need sex). Why, you ask? Because it is most definitely not sexy being 27, unemployed and living at home without any sizeable savings or lucrative career opportunities to speak of. This leads me to conclude that the people having the most sex in this world are very likely pragmatists.
It's as if I've swallowed the blue (or is it red?) pill a few years later than I should have, having realized too late that I've been stuck in this business and money induced matrix for my entire undergraduate life. My non-business courses were the cracks at the edges of the system, and the increasing stress created by the buildup of pressure have ruptured the cracks, creating gaping holes in the matrix that has blinded me. I see the light, but I'm not sure I like it. Sometimes, I wish I could crawl back into the matrix, to be reinserted so that I wouldn't have to deal with this quarter-life crisis.
The...fuck, I forgot what I was going to say. I hate this world.
-END TRANSMISSION-
1. an ignoramus with regard to what any particular field really entails - my romanticized notions of any given field are probably as far from the realities as it can get, or at least, aren't comprehensive in that my mind leaves out the shitty parts, OR:
2. too impulsive to be truly interested in anything, but rather temporarily fascinated by certain things at certain times, OR:
3. all of the above
Like I said to Gil earlier:
I sometimes see people as falling into two categories: pragmatists and intellectuals. Pragmatists are those who study and work in fields like accounting/finance (which fall under the blanket of business), medicine and law, and intellectuals are those that study in the liberal arts or sciences and take up positions in academia or at think tanks. I don't comfortably fit into either category and don't feel like it's possible to have one foot on either side (at least, not in the end). At this point, I'm just trying to determine which side to pledge allegiance to and as a precursor to that, determine which side sucks less.
I often get the feeling that I'll end up walking the pragmatist's line while pursuing intellectual interests on a recreational basis, even though I'd probably be far more fulfilled by pursuing my intellectual interests on an academic level. This will likely result in me feeling like a treasonous bastard for considering itellectually sourced criticisms of my corporate (pragmatist) overlords or, in a post-apocalyptic future, fearing persecution for exposing myself to such blasphemous materials (burn those books!).
I'll credit Gil with observing that in the past, I probably wanted to be a rich fuck because it'd allow me to pursue my own interests. The catch is that I didn't realize until now that I'd have to spend most of my time in an attempt to accumulate my vast fortune, delaying the pursuit of my own interests until my physical body is more or less ready to die. He's probably right, although my interests at the time were probably something along the lines of owning a Porsche and swimming in a pool of money, or more simply put, materialistic impulses. I guess things have changed a bit since then. Where's my silver spoon and my fucking inheritance? I want to ponder multiple disciplines at my own snail's pace like a renaissance man of days gone by. It's just a shame that this largely pragmatist run world doesn't allow me to do this on any level which doesn't involve the sacrifice of personal health/safety/comfort and/or hygiene.
This self-sacrifice issue has me debating the merits of taking, at the bare minimum, another 2+ years to obtain an undergraduate degree in another discipline before even getting the opportunity to consider graduate studies. This means that I'll have to, at a bare minimum, live an extra 2+ years at home, eventually making me 27, unemployed, and living at home without any sizeable savings or lucrative career opportunities to speak of. So in addition to sacrificing personal health/safety/comfort and hygiene, I end up sacrificing sex (and I need sex). Why, you ask? Because it is most definitely not sexy being 27, unemployed and living at home without any sizeable savings or lucrative career opportunities to speak of. This leads me to conclude that the people having the most sex in this world are very likely pragmatists.
It's as if I've swallowed the blue (or is it red?) pill a few years later than I should have, having realized too late that I've been stuck in this business and money induced matrix for my entire undergraduate life. My non-business courses were the cracks at the edges of the system, and the increasing stress created by the buildup of pressure have ruptured the cracks, creating gaping holes in the matrix that has blinded me. I see the light, but I'm not sure I like it. Sometimes, I wish I could crawl back into the matrix, to be reinserted so that I wouldn't have to deal with this quarter-life crisis.
The...fuck, I forgot what I was going to say. I hate this world.
-END TRANSMISSION-