(no subject)
i spoke with my mom and dad today. i'm gonna be leaving this summer, for real.
i'm leaving, i'm gonna go work on life. work on myself. but i'll be doing it by helping other people. i'll have my emt cert. and the program i'm going with will contribute to my field work required become a paramedic.
i'm not quite sure how long i'm gonna be in the program. they have a couple weeks to a couple years. both my parents agree to pay for me to go, and are gonna give me a living allowance for my work, and still pay for school once i'm ready.
i'm seriously considering med school. i never really thought of myself as a doctor, but it's very appealing at this point in my life. we'll see what happens when i get home.
so yeah... i need to set a date when i'm gonna leave with the whole thing. ironically one of the summer dates is June 6th. june sixth would be the year anniversary of dave and i. it would also be the 4 month anniversary of not talking to him. hmm. it seems fit. once huge life change to another.
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my emotions lately have been hard to determine. i wonder if i'm moving on or if i'm just getting used to the feeling that i continue to have. i want to just be better. i'm glad that he's happy. really, i am. cause i know how he looks, and smiles, and laughs when he's happy. and i haven't been able to do that for him in a long time, so it's good that someone can. i guess i still wish it were me.
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tonight someone told me i was "wise" and had an "old soul." because i was giving advice about personal behavior and relationships and crap like that. it was good advice, i think. but it's not the route which i have taken. and for a second i just realized how much of a hypocrite i am, or can be, or something. i wonder what it is that makes it so difficult to make good decisions for ourselves, yet it's so easy to see the answer for someone outside of you. objectiveness is a good thing. i just wish i were able to... i don't know. get the objective pov of myself from someone else... or do i get it? i dont' know, maybe if i listen to what people tell me.
****
there's times when you just have to question what it is that you belive in and what's important to you. lately, i haven't been able to answer those questions. i believe in god, cause it's hard not to when he sends you a bracelet that tells you to have faith, but what is is in life that i value? i just can't figure that out. i don't know what's important to me, i want to see what life is like without all of the trivial things that i worry about. i dont' need to worry about whether or not i look cool enough to go to work, or if i can buy a dvd, or where i live. yes, where i live is trivial too. in the end, i want to look back and say that i have something worth while. and i'm proud of where i am and what i've done.
my goal for this year is to be more than me. to be better than me, and to become someone who is more than who i am right now. someone who can help others cause they've helped themselves.
how many entries have i made like this? it's cause i haven't gotten fixed yet. soon.
on the other side i can just not come home from spring break and i can just find a nice rich irish sugar daddy.
i'm leaving, i'm gonna go work on life. work on myself. but i'll be doing it by helping other people. i'll have my emt cert. and the program i'm going with will contribute to my field work required become a paramedic.
i'm not quite sure how long i'm gonna be in the program. they have a couple weeks to a couple years. both my parents agree to pay for me to go, and are gonna give me a living allowance for my work, and still pay for school once i'm ready.
i'm seriously considering med school. i never really thought of myself as a doctor, but it's very appealing at this point in my life. we'll see what happens when i get home.
so yeah... i need to set a date when i'm gonna leave with the whole thing. ironically one of the summer dates is June 6th. june sixth would be the year anniversary of dave and i. it would also be the 4 month anniversary of not talking to him. hmm. it seems fit. once huge life change to another.
****
my emotions lately have been hard to determine. i wonder if i'm moving on or if i'm just getting used to the feeling that i continue to have. i want to just be better. i'm glad that he's happy. really, i am. cause i know how he looks, and smiles, and laughs when he's happy. and i haven't been able to do that for him in a long time, so it's good that someone can. i guess i still wish it were me.
****
tonight someone told me i was "wise" and had an "old soul." because i was giving advice about personal behavior and relationships and crap like that. it was good advice, i think. but it's not the route which i have taken. and for a second i just realized how much of a hypocrite i am, or can be, or something. i wonder what it is that makes it so difficult to make good decisions for ourselves, yet it's so easy to see the answer for someone outside of you. objectiveness is a good thing. i just wish i were able to... i don't know. get the objective pov of myself from someone else... or do i get it? i dont' know, maybe if i listen to what people tell me.
****
there's times when you just have to question what it is that you belive in and what's important to you. lately, i haven't been able to answer those questions. i believe in god, cause it's hard not to when he sends you a bracelet that tells you to have faith, but what is is in life that i value? i just can't figure that out. i don't know what's important to me, i want to see what life is like without all of the trivial things that i worry about. i dont' need to worry about whether or not i look cool enough to go to work, or if i can buy a dvd, or where i live. yes, where i live is trivial too. in the end, i want to look back and say that i have something worth while. and i'm proud of where i am and what i've done.
my goal for this year is to be more than me. to be better than me, and to become someone who is more than who i am right now. someone who can help others cause they've helped themselves.
how many entries have i made like this? it's cause i haven't gotten fixed yet. soon.
on the other side i can just not come home from spring break and i can just find a nice rich irish sugar daddy.