(no subject)
i really don't know what to do today. i've already been awake for 5 hours. i showered, dressed & got ready to go somewhere but there's nowhere to go. i really feel trapped. people keep questioning me about what happened to me and where i went and what i'm doing and here's the answer you're probably not looking for: i don't know. i'm really busy. i have things going on. i work, i sleep, i have time for people. i'm sorry if i don't have time for everyone. i needed some time alone last night, i got it, and i think i'm okay now. i drove to connecticut last night? and then i got scared and turned around. i don't know exactly where in connecticut i was but it was really dark and there were no lights and so i decided to come back home. i needed peace and quiet and that's what i got. i drove past all these old farms and this weird school i guess? and i drove past bennett college which creeped the hell out of me because all you could see was a silhouette of it against the sky.
i keep having all of these really weird, vivid dreams. they aren't nightmares or bad dreams. they're usually good dreams. when i wake up, i feel disoriented and like i've been lifted from the dead. i think it's the medicine. i remember when i used to be on meds, i used to have crazy dreams and i'd remember every detail. and i slept lightly. but now, i'm a deep sleeper and nothing wakes me up and i can't remember every detail. but i remember enough. the dreams are always about how i want my life or certain things to turn out. everything that didn't turn out right or i'm afraid won't turn out right are in my dreams and they always work out for the better and i'm always happy in the end. and then when i wake up, i'm kind of upset because for a minute i believe that it's actually true.
laura's brother sent me a text message at 3:00 this morning. atleast i think it was him, because at first i thought it was her because the number was almost exactly the same, except it was off by the last digit (i think). "Apparently you sent me a message a while ago. I don't remember that. I'm so drunk now though. Woo Spring break!"
i couldn't be more confused? haha.
i promise everything is okay and i'm good and i'll be successful and make you proud of me someday. just wait.