Too Scared to Like (part 2)
((Look at Part 1 first :) ))
I wasn't looking for anyone to like. The break with my (ex)boyfriend was to give me a taste of freedom, to see if I liked it. And I did. My friends told me being on a break meant that I was now free to "look, but not touch (too much)". I'm sure it was a joke. But the looking was fine- my friends and I joked around with it.
We went to see fireworks, and some boys joined us (invited by the guy R invited). Kyle was there among them, being a goof, like the rest. A shouted across the field if I was still attached to my (ex)boyfriend. Not knowing what he was hitting at, I shrugged my shoulders and made a face.
"Complicated?"
"Yeah."
"I understand."
When I heard that my (ex)boyfriend was saying we were through, and Kyle was paying attention to me, I mentally said fine, he can be the way he wants, but I'm not going to be brought down. So I began to talk to Kyle. With the help of S and R, we played keep-away with his hat. And we began to hang around him more (or rather, he hung around us).
I didn't want a relationship. I didn't wanna like him. He smoked, probably failing school, wouldn't be able to keep up with me. I didn't want to like him. So when he started messaging me, I was determined to throw him off the dangerous, heartbreaking path he was on. For, I knew he liked me. It wasn't that hard to tell.
I told him of the curse- a half-joke between my friends and I, that guys would always like me more than I would like them, and how I don't want a boyfriend for that reason. I told him how I ruined every other relationship, how I ruin friendships. I was me, 100% truthful, because I had been told more than once before- no one could like me if I was truthful. I had everything working for me, I wasn't looking for a relationship, I'd break anyone's heart, I'd never, ever like anyone for longer than a week during a relationship. I voiced my fears to scare him off.
He countered them all.
Even when I told him I was so negative, almost 90%- a fact that no one yet has been able to handle alone, not adding anything else, he countered it. He listened to my worries and turned them around to something positive. He even made me start to believe that the things I thought were so negative really had a positive side.
Long story short, turns out I liked him back. He's sweet, he has a huge vocabulary (which I found out when I was speaking the old-english way I do sometimes, and he understood every word [first person to ever do so!]), and he crumpled up his cigarette pack the other day when I wouldn't go near him for a hug after he had smoked. He's now cutting down on smoking for me, the cutie.
But when he says such sweet things, I still get nervous. I don't want it to happen again- the liking, the wanting, then the sudden deadness. He asked me once, what would I say if he asked me out. I told him the truth- that I wouldn't, couldn't say yes. He got upset until I explained to him why- my fears and unreadiness for a relationship, even (especially) with him.
"No matter how long it takes, two weeks or six plus months, I will wait for you to be ready."
That's what he said to me. Sweet, right? Most of what he says is sweet (he told me he likes me more than he has ever liked a girl). But my doubts still show themselves. Sweet is all right. But I know from experience that sweetness doesn't hold me up in the clouds.
I don't want to ruin this. I never want to hurt him. But I'm scared I'll do just that. Which is why sometimes I still hope that I'll say or do something, and he'll suddenly not like me anymore. It would hurt me, but at least it wouldn't hurt him.
The cursed,
*Beatrix
I wasn't looking for anyone to like. The break with my (ex)boyfriend was to give me a taste of freedom, to see if I liked it. And I did. My friends told me being on a break meant that I was now free to "look, but not touch (too much)". I'm sure it was a joke. But the looking was fine- my friends and I joked around with it.
We went to see fireworks, and some boys joined us (invited by the guy R invited). Kyle was there among them, being a goof, like the rest. A shouted across the field if I was still attached to my (ex)boyfriend. Not knowing what he was hitting at, I shrugged my shoulders and made a face.
"Complicated?"
"Yeah."
"I understand."
When I heard that my (ex)boyfriend was saying we were through, and Kyle was paying attention to me, I mentally said fine, he can be the way he wants, but I'm not going to be brought down. So I began to talk to Kyle. With the help of S and R, we played keep-away with his hat. And we began to hang around him more (or rather, he hung around us).
I didn't want a relationship. I didn't wanna like him. He smoked, probably failing school, wouldn't be able to keep up with me. I didn't want to like him. So when he started messaging me, I was determined to throw him off the dangerous, heartbreaking path he was on. For, I knew he liked me. It wasn't that hard to tell.
I told him of the curse- a half-joke between my friends and I, that guys would always like me more than I would like them, and how I don't want a boyfriend for that reason. I told him how I ruined every other relationship, how I ruin friendships. I was me, 100% truthful, because I had been told more than once before- no one could like me if I was truthful. I had everything working for me, I wasn't looking for a relationship, I'd break anyone's heart, I'd never, ever like anyone for longer than a week during a relationship. I voiced my fears to scare him off.
He countered them all.
Even when I told him I was so negative, almost 90%- a fact that no one yet has been able to handle alone, not adding anything else, he countered it. He listened to my worries and turned them around to something positive. He even made me start to believe that the things I thought were so negative really had a positive side.
Long story short, turns out I liked him back. He's sweet, he has a huge vocabulary (which I found out when I was speaking the old-english way I do sometimes, and he understood every word [first person to ever do so!]), and he crumpled up his cigarette pack the other day when I wouldn't go near him for a hug after he had smoked. He's now cutting down on smoking for me, the cutie.
But when he says such sweet things, I still get nervous. I don't want it to happen again- the liking, the wanting, then the sudden deadness. He asked me once, what would I say if he asked me out. I told him the truth- that I wouldn't, couldn't say yes. He got upset until I explained to him why- my fears and unreadiness for a relationship, even (especially) with him.
"No matter how long it takes, two weeks or six plus months, I will wait for you to be ready."
That's what he said to me. Sweet, right? Most of what he says is sweet (he told me he likes me more than he has ever liked a girl). But my doubts still show themselves. Sweet is all right. But I know from experience that sweetness doesn't hold me up in the clouds.
I don't want to ruin this. I never want to hurt him. But I'm scared I'll do just that. Which is why sometimes I still hope that I'll say or do something, and he'll suddenly not like me anymore. It would hurt me, but at least it wouldn't hurt him.
The cursed,
*Beatrix