(no subject)
sometimes growing up is so awesome. other times it pretty much sucks.
i mean, yeah bills and shit suck but whatever. money is money.
i'm talking about real relationships.
the kind where you love someone so much it hurts. and you wish more then anything that they were in the same place that you were, the same place you thought they were in.
i'm disenchanted.
tyler and i took our relationship down to not just friends and not in a relationship. a relationship hybrid that i thought i was more then okay with. it gave me a chance to safeguard my heart and gave him a little breathing room. and in all of this, i'm so worried about him and what he needs. giving him room to grow, to learn, to be who he is for him. essentially to learn to love himself and really learn who he is. i really, truly want that for him. everyone deserves that. but i'm forgetting about myself in the process. just because i can handle things, doesn't mean that i should have to.
it dawned on me earlier today, i'm losing myself in this.
i want someone who wants to be here with ME. i'm not talking about physically because that is out of our control, i'm talking about mentally and emotionally. it's not that he doesn't want to be, i don't think, it's because he can't right now. it's not what he needs.
but i want to be with HIM.
so much it makes my entire body ache.
that i would give up everything just to have him.
i thought that i didn't care about the label, and i don't. that i would gladly trade it to have all of him. but i'm trading part of myself with it.
i deserve to have someone who wants to be with me and is capable of giving as much as i give to them. i deserve to be with someone who knows that it is me they want to come home to. me that they want to share with, love with, laugh with. is willing and capable to give all of them to me, regardless of distance.
i just want him to be that person. and he can't be that right now. and i won't ask him to give me anymore because he needs the time to be selfish, he needs his energy for his own personal journey. and i'm willing to give him that.
i won't try to change anyone. that never, ever works.
when he was here, he fit me.
maybe i was just blind to the truth.
maybe we were so in love we didn't even notice the differences.
maybe the distance made he realize a lot.
it made me realize a lot.
i've realized what i need:
i need someone who isn't afraid of themself.
and i have to let him go. if i don't, i'll end up resenting him, and i'm not willing to do that. i have to have faith in myself that if he is meant to be mine, he will be. and until then, i'll keep on living. cause, well, thats all i've got to do.
i mean, yeah bills and shit suck but whatever. money is money.
i'm talking about real relationships.
the kind where you love someone so much it hurts. and you wish more then anything that they were in the same place that you were, the same place you thought they were in.
i'm disenchanted.
tyler and i took our relationship down to not just friends and not in a relationship. a relationship hybrid that i thought i was more then okay with. it gave me a chance to safeguard my heart and gave him a little breathing room. and in all of this, i'm so worried about him and what he needs. giving him room to grow, to learn, to be who he is for him. essentially to learn to love himself and really learn who he is. i really, truly want that for him. everyone deserves that. but i'm forgetting about myself in the process. just because i can handle things, doesn't mean that i should have to.
it dawned on me earlier today, i'm losing myself in this.
i want someone who wants to be here with ME. i'm not talking about physically because that is out of our control, i'm talking about mentally and emotionally. it's not that he doesn't want to be, i don't think, it's because he can't right now. it's not what he needs.
but i want to be with HIM.
so much it makes my entire body ache.
that i would give up everything just to have him.
i thought that i didn't care about the label, and i don't. that i would gladly trade it to have all of him. but i'm trading part of myself with it.
i deserve to have someone who wants to be with me and is capable of giving as much as i give to them. i deserve to be with someone who knows that it is me they want to come home to. me that they want to share with, love with, laugh with. is willing and capable to give all of them to me, regardless of distance.
i just want him to be that person. and he can't be that right now. and i won't ask him to give me anymore because he needs the time to be selfish, he needs his energy for his own personal journey. and i'm willing to give him that.
i won't try to change anyone. that never, ever works.
when he was here, he fit me.
maybe i was just blind to the truth.
maybe we were so in love we didn't even notice the differences.
maybe the distance made he realize a lot.
it made me realize a lot.
i've realized what i need:
i need someone who isn't afraid of themself.
and i have to let him go. if i don't, i'll end up resenting him, and i'm not willing to do that. i have to have faith in myself that if he is meant to be mine, he will be. and until then, i'll keep on living. cause, well, thats all i've got to do.