Prologue: The Epilogue
Title: Prologue: The Epilogue
Pairing: John/Ringo, Ringo/lotsofpeople , John/other(s).
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Crack, Yoko (not villainous), Love octagons ( i mean look at all the outrageous tags..), suggestive language, foul language, and terrible grammar.
Summary: A Reflection on all the (important) affairs (with men) that shaped a one Richard Starkey ( who is refered to as him or that guy a good chunk of the fic).
Author: ofsarcasm
Disclaimer: Yeah, it's all just one big giant lie that i have no right to or knowledge of..but it sure looks pretty.
A/N:This is kind of like a super- insanely long introduction, to a story i might or might not do. The story, if i decide to do it, will be an epic story of how the Ringo of today was shaped by his loves of yesterday. And while it will be predominately John/Ringo it will also have a lot of Ringo and Whoever else pops into my brain because I'm addicted to crack..which with all the little love octagons going on in this story it kinda is. A HUGE THANK YOU, AND ETERNAL DEVOTION TO captainemerald who is, like, the best beta ever! Read her fics and allow her to rock your world like she rocks mine!
When their eyes locked with His, they each held a different emotion.
In this difference there was one constant, one unchanging variable in the equation that calculated the emotion in their eyes when they looked into his: Want.
George had wanted him first.
(That is, if you don’t include Rory. But perhaps Rory doesn’t count, or, if he does, it was in a different way than the others. That particular difference, however, is for later.)
George was also the first person He had wanted.
(Again, not including Rory, the one whom may or may not count.)
It began and ended with a smile. The smile that began the affair was His: Confident, a beam of sun and laughter and flashing teeth that made one stare and whisper, not to anyone in particular, but the world in general ‘Wow.’
And that wow that was whispered to the world was one of thanks as well as a silent plea. ‘Thank you for giving me that smile. (I will cherish it forever. I will love it, and keep it safe. I will need someone, a companion, to stay by my side forever. John has taken Paul, but he can be my John, and he will be. We will be. Only we will be better because we won’t argue or hold each other back only to feed our own selfishness, I won’t ruin it.)So please give me him too.’
The smile that ended the affair was George’s: Euphoric, a smirk of accomplishment and vengeance that made one start and whisper, to the world , but really only directed at one person in particular ‘Why?’
And that why? that was whispered to this particular person, was one of agony as well as a not-so -silent plea. ‘Why did you do this to me? (I was there for you. You wanted someone and I was there. You needed me. You needed a companion, someone who would stay, always by your side. You wanted a John, because Paul had left you, and I was. We were. Only we were better because there was no betrayal, and then you went and ruined it.) Why can’t you just take it back and apologize?
Yes, George was his best mate, and the one that changed how He loved forever.
Paul was the first one to express his want physically.
And Paul was also the last one He expressed his want to, long after the others had left him and the loneliness grew too much to bear.
It began and ended with a touch for them. A brush of the hand was the catalyst, beginning the chain reaction that shaped their affair as well as all the ones they had with others, (another constant, unchanging variable amid a sea of x’s and y’s that gave each equation different meaning.) and it was one brush of the hand that put an end to that sort of thing for both of them. One by choice and the other forced by a foot of dirt and a wooden coffin separating him from the world where that sort of thing happened behind doors that separated them from the world that didn’t appreciate that sort of thing.
But it was that sort of thing that they both needed. And, with each other it was simple, constant, and easy as pie. There was no sense of possession, like with George, no mood-swings and fire like with John, no aching like with Brian, and no selfishness like with Keith. (Also no forgetting, like with Rory.)
They both tried to make it as easy for each other as possible. They each had something in common with each other that they did not share with the others. Intimacy, as well as sex, they needed and longed for, from a variety of people. They accepted this in each other. So in the times when they were in committed relationships they knew, at least, that they would always have one person that they could sleep with other than their partners without guilt or judgment. And whenever the other was anywhere nearby it was to each other they usually turned.
Their Love was a quiet one, because even if they did not love each other the most passionately, or the violently, or even just the most, they did love the longest. And when the ones that they did love the most were gone, they would find comfort in the familiar smells and comforting whispers of the other and go away feeling, at least for a moment, a little less lonely.
Yes, Paul was the first and last to express his want. It was easiest with Paul, the second constant, and the last.
Brian’s Want was never consummated.
Their relationship never began, because Brian didn’t want it to, he just wanted Him. But Mr. Epstein was well practiced in self denial. For fifteen years he had denied himself bacon, making an attempt to follow his Jewish heritage. For eighteen years he denied himself sweets, his grandfather having died of diabetes.
And for twenty long years, Brian Epstein had denied himself men.
And even with several slip-ups he kept attempting to deny them, until John Lennon that is. But Brian didn’t really consider it a slip up, because he did not really consider John Lennon a man. Instead he was a whisp of smoke, or a beam of light belonging to a different realm that could not have bodies or words, or ideas quite like his. A realm where slipping up was smiled upon and rules nonexistent. Like a deer in the headlights he had been caught off guard and hit, hard. Yes with John it was hard and passionate and sweaty, and an explosion of sensation that consumed his entire body. But, also like an animal caught in an unfortunate accident, as life-changing and full of sensations as it was, it was also over in a few blinks of the eye. Before he knew it he was flat on his back, dazed and ready to begin a new life, one in which he would pursue what he wanted.
So he ate bacon, gorged himself on chocolates and slept with many young men.
That young man, however, was not among them. Perhaps it was because Brian didn’t quite consider him a man, not in the strictest sense. Nor was he like John, because he had eyes that were part of and that felt the world, not just bore witness to it. He was too involved with reality to be completely separated from it, but too genuine and good to be a part of it.
Yes, that young man was his only connection between reality and the realm of the Beatles. And he wasn’t going to ruin it. So he touched his hand and held him close and looked into those eyes, but in this area alone, Brian Epstein never slipped-up.
Brian’s want was kept under lock and key, and only ended when he closed his eyes and finally crossed over to the realm that he had denied himself so long.
(It has come to the point where we must discuss Rory, to avoid confusing His relationships with both Keith and John, with his odd affair with Mr. Storm.)
The relationship between that young man and Rory was based entirely off of a mutual desire to be accepted, and nothing else. Except perhaps, the want for sex. Unlike the others there was no love between them, no longing for the other after the affair ended. No great tragedy involving their end, no great epiphany that came with its beginning.
They took exactly what they wanted and left once they found something that they wanted more.
They didn’t discuss their feelings or anything at all really. There was very little exchange between the two men, except in bodily fluids.
They didn’t Love each other.
And that is what separates Rory from the others, where some kind of love existed between them and that particular gentlemen.
And that is why Rory doesn’t count.
(At least not really.)
Keith Moon only wanted things so long as they kept him entertained and, in that respect, this want was no different.
What separated this desire from his innumerable others was the ability of this want to keep him entertained for more than a few hours at time.
This continued ability to entertain, at first, simply intrigued Keith, but soon developed into a sense of respect. A respect that came from the object of his desire’s habit of making anyone he associated himself with feel truly and completely vulnerable. It was as if those blue eyes were peering into each of their souls, but, despite all those secret selfish needs and fantasies now seemingly exposed to the world, that young man still accepted them anyway. And despite Keith’s whimsical and often ludicrous idea’s and explanations of what he truly wanted, the feeling of being truly understood and accepted despite of them, trumped all the others, even if it was perhaps the most selfish and ludicrous fancy of them all.
So he forced himself on this young man, and he was overjoyed when he discovered the object of his affection forcing himself back with equal force, because as it turned out, that acceptance was all the man with the soul-searching eyes really wanted as well.
And soon the respect became a feeling of true affection, before it all came flooding out all at once in a passionate love and obsession that started and ended with an unexpected and soul-shattering explosion of emotion.
His relationship with Keith was the most FUN.
His Relationship with Keith was the loudest, and most passionate, and the most physical.
His relationship with Keith was, in some respects, the healthiest, because, my dear boy, it is healthy to be accepted and adored and to have fun.
But their want for each other was also the most selfish.
Because no matter how much they loved the other, they would never be able to say they loved the other more than themselves, even if it was true. While each would willingly give their life for the other, they would not give up their happiness or well being for the other even if they wished nothing less for them.
Because their feelings of love began with a selfish foundation, however strong it was, it could not be anything other than selfish. The fact of the matter being that their relationship was based upon the need to be entertained ( a relatively selfish inclination), understood ( a quite selfish one), and accepted ( perhaps the most selfish inclination of all, when paired with the two former), and doing anything unselfish would prevent any of these other desires to be satisfied.
As much as Keith wanted his partner to go find someone who would not make Him worry if he was going to be alive the next day, and as much a Keith wished to be this person, this ultimately would make his partner unable to fulfil any of prerequisites of their relationship. It would not be very entertaining to watch his partner find another Lover, nor would his partner be able to understand or accept Keith as doing anything other than what was in his nature, which was to do such things which made it uncertain if he would be alive the following day.
As much as He wanted Keith to be healthy and sober and happy, that would make Keith something other than he was, and give someone else the ability to give this new Keith what he wanted. After all, it is easy to accept and understand and entertain a clean, happy, and level-headed person.
Yes, Keith’s relationship was his most selfish one.
And its end, with Keith’s empty eyes and His Full heart, was the pièce de résistance
When they looked into Richard Starkey’s eyes, they all knew they wanted Him, each for their own reasons.
George Harrison wanted companionship
Paul McCartney wanted consistency.
Brian Epstein wanted connection.
(Rory wanted acceptance.)
Keith Moon wanted understanding.
And John Lennon wanted to be free of him but never quite as much as he wanted to be saved by him.
And it was John Lennon who, as much as he hated him, loved him the most, and as much as Ringo Starr tried to avoid its inevitability, it was John whom he grew to love the most.
There was always a certain spiritual level to John and Ringo’s relationship that they always acknowledged during the hours of contemplation they spent in each other’s arms after a particularly fierce bought of sex, that sometimes was preceded by a particularly passionate argument, often begun by either John’s attempt to force his affection on Ringo in the most inappropriate ways or Ringo’s attempts to give John exactly what he wanted.
John had long sensed his growing need for someone like Richard. In the months before their introduction, he had felt this need creeping further and further to the forefront of his mind. He often imagined himself quite in love with the faceless figure he conjured up whenever his mind wandered. He would fantasize about what type of man he would become with this person by his side, even during his brief stint with Paul in his Quarrymen days. (Which never even really began.)
He would also reflect upon the ever present darkness that seemed to be growing in his heart, which seemed to restrict more and more as the years and lovers came and went. (And went…and went...)He felt an inconsolable rage which he couldn’t quite identify the source of and, as a result, couldn’t quell. So to distract himself he would imagine the feelings and experiences this person and his mind would bring, and he would breathe a little easier.
The only physical characteristic he ever conceded to grant his mystery messiah was a smile. (A light to save him from the darkness.) And it was that same smile that he found plastered across Richard Starkey’s face an hour into their acquaintance.
The same smile which began John’s obsession, salvation and destruction.
Richard had long sensed a certain magnetism about himself that terrified him. In the months before their introduction, he saw glimpses of the dark side of what appeared to be charisma, and he tried to repress it, but found himself incapable of being anything other than kind and genuine. He often imagined himself being the downfall of some poor figure that would fall victim to his goodness, whenever he lay awake at night reflecting on the fun he’d had that day. He mourned over this person who he wished to save from himself even before he knew their name. (And even after.)
He would also reflect on how much he wanted and needed the person he would destroy. (And, oh, how he wanted him) and that maybe, if he tried hard enough he could be the salvation that the unsuspecting figure in his mind sought. He could love them and be good to them and save them and they would be happy together. He felt an irrepressible desire for this person that he couldn’t quite identify the source of and couldn’t help but succumb to it by throwing himself into the arms of whoever is so fortunate as to smile at him for more than 3 seconds. And as he allowed himself to be kissed and caressed he imagined himself in the arms of the man he knew he was destined to save and to destroy.
The only thing Richard sensed about this man was how much he wanted to be saved by him. So when an hour into their acquaintance he finds John Lennon staring at him, a look of utter adoration and delight painted on his sharp features , Ringo Starr did what he did best; ignored the problem.
He ignored John’s want. He ignored his own want, and eventually, when he finally succumbed to both his and John’s mutual desire, he ignored the dread he felt in his heart at the feeling that someday, this desire would kill them.
And in some respects, the feeling Ringo had in his heart was warranted.
He would sometimes, after a particularly heated argument which left each emotionally drained, tell John of his fears, which John in turn would laugh off before pulling Ringo into his arms and whispering still grinning into his ear, “ Nah, love, you’re an angel, my guardian angel. Who just happens to be a great fuck.”
And Ringo would laugh, because he knew that’s what John wanted him to do, and peck him on the lips before removing himself from John’s embrace and walking to the bedroom knowing he would follow suit. And John would always linger behind and mutter, in an anguished tone, just loud enough for Ringo to hear. “And it’s me who does the destroying anyway. . . and I’m gonna fuckin’ ruin yah.”
Each left the other on a weekly basis in a vain attempt to save the other from themselves, but would return, rather desperately to their lover’s arms, perhaps, even more often.
Ringo would fall silent and stare at nothing in particular for a few moments before he would turn and quietly walk out the house after whispering hurriedly about John not appreciating him and about him being impossible. (The latter of which John also sometimes felt was true.) He would return, usually in the next few days, throwing the front door open bounding and stumbling up the steps before throwing himself into his lover’s arms, kissing and groaning out his apologies before he would break down sobbing.
John would throw things and slam the door on his way out, claiming that Ringo was a complete pain in the ass and that he felt suffocated. (And the latter at least would be true, as he felt the darkness in his heart try to worm its way into Ringo’s eyes, tightening its hold on both of them as it went.) He would return, however, usually by the next night, quietly slipping into bed beside Ringo, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing his face into his lover’s hair as he wept silently.
When Yoko came, John changed.
It was during one of their many separations that the two met, and quickly became two halves of a whole. She was a part of him. He needed her and loved her.
That is how John described Yoko and his relationship when he finally contacted Ringo a few weeks later.
You were just an obsession. (Please understand...)
She is much more vital to me. (She is just as important as an arm or a leg….)
I was lying when I said I loved you. (And as much as I would destroy any part of me to save you...)
Please let’s just be friends. (It would hurt you much more if I stayed with you…)
And soon enough we will both forget. (So instead of cutting off my arm...)
Goodbye, mate. (I’ll rip out my heart for you.)
And after Keith came, it all changed.
You were right, it’s better that we’re friends. (Why do you look so heartbroken?)
He is the most amazing human being I have ever met. (Stop it.)
I really did love you, yah know. (You left, remember?)
But he understands me more than you ever did. (I’m finally over you.)
We really are much better off, aren’t we? (So please, don’t look at me like that.)
I’m so happy that we both found exactly what we needed. (Or I may actually think you care about me.)
Ringo was secretly thankful to Yoko, much to latter’s sympathy.
He loves you more. That’s not true, he adores you. He sometimes whispers your name in his sleep. Yeah, probably having nightmares about my huge neb. I love him so much. I know, and he loves you just as much. Maybe , but the same is true for the two of you, except you may have more in your heart to give him. But it’s all clogged up with scar tissue now, anyway. I give him all I can. Which is more than I ever could. I promise I’m not gonna let you take him from me. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I’m sorry, I’m so selfish. You’re not, really. I hope we can be friends one day. We already are. How so? You and John are two halves of the same whole right? Thank you…I’m so sorry.
John openly despised Keith, much to the latter’s delight.
How’d he fall for an wanker like you anyway? Well, my dear boy, I am an incredibly good shag. I could fuckin’ kill yah. Oh, please do, Ringo looks damn good in a suit and my funeral would be the perfect occasion to wear one. I hate you. And I find you simply enthralling. Are you flirting with me, you bastard? Don’t get too excited, I’m just incredibly promiscuous.Yeah, just like your lover from what I hear. Tut, tut, tut, I don’t want us to be enemies. So what do want us to be you bloody poof?Well I’m pretty sure we already are good friends ,aren’t we? Christ...you may just be right. And maybe, if you’re really lucky I’m wrong.Yah, or if I’m really fortunate you’ll just go and pop yourself off.
And not many years later that is exactly what Keith Moon did. (John Lennon did not feel so very fortunate.)
It was not long after that Yoko Ono Lennon broke her promise to Ringo. (Ringo never really forgave her for it.)
And on a cold December day in 1980, Ringo Starr saw all his worst fears realized, but it was only partially his fault.
Because, in the end Richard Starkey did save John Lennon, and also, by a cruel turn of events destroyed him.
They all wanted him.
George wanted a doll.
Paul wanted a rock.
Brian wanted a bridge.
(Rory wanted a lawyer.)
Keith wanted a mirror.
And John Lennon wanted an angel, and, never one to deny anyone, Ringo Starr was all these things.
And, after it was all over, He would sit and remember something Paul had once said to him, on one of those lonely nights, so long ago it seemed.
‘And in the end…’ ( which it was for him)
‘…the love you take ‘ (the love he wanted)
‘is equal to the love you make’
And Richard Starkey would smile and feel better because he knew that, in his life, he had made a whole lot of love.
Pairing: John/Ringo, Ringo/lotsofpeople , John/other(s).
Rating: PG-13
Warning: Crack, Yoko (not villainous), Love octagons ( i mean look at all the outrageous tags..), suggestive language, foul language, and terrible grammar.
Summary: A Reflection on all the (important) affairs (with men) that shaped a one Richard Starkey ( who is refered to as him or that guy a good chunk of the fic).
Author: ofsarcasm
Disclaimer: Yeah, it's all just one big giant lie that i have no right to or knowledge of..but it sure looks pretty.
A/N:This is kind of like a super- insanely long introduction, to a story i might or might not do. The story, if i decide to do it, will be an epic story of how the Ringo of today was shaped by his loves of yesterday. And while it will be predominately John/Ringo it will also have a lot of Ringo and Whoever else pops into my brain because I'm addicted to crack..which with all the little love octagons going on in this story it kinda is. A HUGE THANK YOU, AND ETERNAL DEVOTION TO captainemerald who is, like, the best beta ever! Read her fics and allow her to rock your world like she rocks mine!
When their eyes locked with His, they each held a different emotion.
In this difference there was one constant, one unchanging variable in the equation that calculated the emotion in their eyes when they looked into his: Want.
George had wanted him first.
(That is, if you don’t include Rory. But perhaps Rory doesn’t count, or, if he does, it was in a different way than the others. That particular difference, however, is for later.)
George was also the first person He had wanted.
(Again, not including Rory, the one whom may or may not count.)
It began and ended with a smile. The smile that began the affair was His: Confident, a beam of sun and laughter and flashing teeth that made one stare and whisper, not to anyone in particular, but the world in general ‘Wow.’
And that wow that was whispered to the world was one of thanks as well as a silent plea. ‘Thank you for giving me that smile. (I will cherish it forever. I will love it, and keep it safe. I will need someone, a companion, to stay by my side forever. John has taken Paul, but he can be my John, and he will be. We will be. Only we will be better because we won’t argue or hold each other back only to feed our own selfishness, I won’t ruin it.)So please give me him too.’
The smile that ended the affair was George’s: Euphoric, a smirk of accomplishment and vengeance that made one start and whisper, to the world , but really only directed at one person in particular ‘Why?’
And that why? that was whispered to this particular person, was one of agony as well as a not-so -silent plea. ‘Why did you do this to me? (I was there for you. You wanted someone and I was there. You needed me. You needed a companion, someone who would stay, always by your side. You wanted a John, because Paul had left you, and I was. We were. Only we were better because there was no betrayal, and then you went and ruined it.) Why can’t you just take it back and apologize?
Yes, George was his best mate, and the one that changed how He loved forever.
Paul was the first one to express his want physically.
And Paul was also the last one He expressed his want to, long after the others had left him and the loneliness grew too much to bear.
It began and ended with a touch for them. A brush of the hand was the catalyst, beginning the chain reaction that shaped their affair as well as all the ones they had with others, (another constant, unchanging variable amid a sea of x’s and y’s that gave each equation different meaning.) and it was one brush of the hand that put an end to that sort of thing for both of them. One by choice and the other forced by a foot of dirt and a wooden coffin separating him from the world where that sort of thing happened behind doors that separated them from the world that didn’t appreciate that sort of thing.
But it was that sort of thing that they both needed. And, with each other it was simple, constant, and easy as pie. There was no sense of possession, like with George, no mood-swings and fire like with John, no aching like with Brian, and no selfishness like with Keith. (Also no forgetting, like with Rory.)
They both tried to make it as easy for each other as possible. They each had something in common with each other that they did not share with the others. Intimacy, as well as sex, they needed and longed for, from a variety of people. They accepted this in each other. So in the times when they were in committed relationships they knew, at least, that they would always have one person that they could sleep with other than their partners without guilt or judgment. And whenever the other was anywhere nearby it was to each other they usually turned.
Their Love was a quiet one, because even if they did not love each other the most passionately, or the violently, or even just the most, they did love the longest. And when the ones that they did love the most were gone, they would find comfort in the familiar smells and comforting whispers of the other and go away feeling, at least for a moment, a little less lonely.
Yes, Paul was the first and last to express his want. It was easiest with Paul, the second constant, and the last.
Brian’s Want was never consummated.
Their relationship never began, because Brian didn’t want it to, he just wanted Him. But Mr. Epstein was well practiced in self denial. For fifteen years he had denied himself bacon, making an attempt to follow his Jewish heritage. For eighteen years he denied himself sweets, his grandfather having died of diabetes.
And for twenty long years, Brian Epstein had denied himself men.
And even with several slip-ups he kept attempting to deny them, until John Lennon that is. But Brian didn’t really consider it a slip up, because he did not really consider John Lennon a man. Instead he was a whisp of smoke, or a beam of light belonging to a different realm that could not have bodies or words, or ideas quite like his. A realm where slipping up was smiled upon and rules nonexistent. Like a deer in the headlights he had been caught off guard and hit, hard. Yes with John it was hard and passionate and sweaty, and an explosion of sensation that consumed his entire body. But, also like an animal caught in an unfortunate accident, as life-changing and full of sensations as it was, it was also over in a few blinks of the eye. Before he knew it he was flat on his back, dazed and ready to begin a new life, one in which he would pursue what he wanted.
So he ate bacon, gorged himself on chocolates and slept with many young men.
That young man, however, was not among them. Perhaps it was because Brian didn’t quite consider him a man, not in the strictest sense. Nor was he like John, because he had eyes that were part of and that felt the world, not just bore witness to it. He was too involved with reality to be completely separated from it, but too genuine and good to be a part of it.
Yes, that young man was his only connection between reality and the realm of the Beatles. And he wasn’t going to ruin it. So he touched his hand and held him close and looked into those eyes, but in this area alone, Brian Epstein never slipped-up.
Brian’s want was kept under lock and key, and only ended when he closed his eyes and finally crossed over to the realm that he had denied himself so long.
(It has come to the point where we must discuss Rory, to avoid confusing His relationships with both Keith and John, with his odd affair with Mr. Storm.)
The relationship between that young man and Rory was based entirely off of a mutual desire to be accepted, and nothing else. Except perhaps, the want for sex. Unlike the others there was no love between them, no longing for the other after the affair ended. No great tragedy involving their end, no great epiphany that came with its beginning.
They took exactly what they wanted and left once they found something that they wanted more.
They didn’t discuss their feelings or anything at all really. There was very little exchange between the two men, except in bodily fluids.
They didn’t Love each other.
And that is what separates Rory from the others, where some kind of love existed between them and that particular gentlemen.
And that is why Rory doesn’t count.
(At least not really.)
Keith Moon only wanted things so long as they kept him entertained and, in that respect, this want was no different.
What separated this desire from his innumerable others was the ability of this want to keep him entertained for more than a few hours at time.
This continued ability to entertain, at first, simply intrigued Keith, but soon developed into a sense of respect. A respect that came from the object of his desire’s habit of making anyone he associated himself with feel truly and completely vulnerable. It was as if those blue eyes were peering into each of their souls, but, despite all those secret selfish needs and fantasies now seemingly exposed to the world, that young man still accepted them anyway. And despite Keith’s whimsical and often ludicrous idea’s and explanations of what he truly wanted, the feeling of being truly understood and accepted despite of them, trumped all the others, even if it was perhaps the most selfish and ludicrous fancy of them all.
So he forced himself on this young man, and he was overjoyed when he discovered the object of his affection forcing himself back with equal force, because as it turned out, that acceptance was all the man with the soul-searching eyes really wanted as well.
And soon the respect became a feeling of true affection, before it all came flooding out all at once in a passionate love and obsession that started and ended with an unexpected and soul-shattering explosion of emotion.
His relationship with Keith was the most FUN.
His Relationship with Keith was the loudest, and most passionate, and the most physical.
His relationship with Keith was, in some respects, the healthiest, because, my dear boy, it is healthy to be accepted and adored and to have fun.
But their want for each other was also the most selfish.
Because no matter how much they loved the other, they would never be able to say they loved the other more than themselves, even if it was true. While each would willingly give their life for the other, they would not give up their happiness or well being for the other even if they wished nothing less for them.
Because their feelings of love began with a selfish foundation, however strong it was, it could not be anything other than selfish. The fact of the matter being that their relationship was based upon the need to be entertained ( a relatively selfish inclination), understood ( a quite selfish one), and accepted ( perhaps the most selfish inclination of all, when paired with the two former), and doing anything unselfish would prevent any of these other desires to be satisfied.
As much as Keith wanted his partner to go find someone who would not make Him worry if he was going to be alive the next day, and as much a Keith wished to be this person, this ultimately would make his partner unable to fulfil any of prerequisites of their relationship. It would not be very entertaining to watch his partner find another Lover, nor would his partner be able to understand or accept Keith as doing anything other than what was in his nature, which was to do such things which made it uncertain if he would be alive the following day.
As much as He wanted Keith to be healthy and sober and happy, that would make Keith something other than he was, and give someone else the ability to give this new Keith what he wanted. After all, it is easy to accept and understand and entertain a clean, happy, and level-headed person.
Yes, Keith’s relationship was his most selfish one.
And its end, with Keith’s empty eyes and His Full heart, was the pièce de résistance
When they looked into Richard Starkey’s eyes, they all knew they wanted Him, each for their own reasons.
George Harrison wanted companionship
Paul McCartney wanted consistency.
Brian Epstein wanted connection.
(Rory wanted acceptance.)
Keith Moon wanted understanding.
And John Lennon wanted to be free of him but never quite as much as he wanted to be saved by him.
And it was John Lennon who, as much as he hated him, loved him the most, and as much as Ringo Starr tried to avoid its inevitability, it was John whom he grew to love the most.
There was always a certain spiritual level to John and Ringo’s relationship that they always acknowledged during the hours of contemplation they spent in each other’s arms after a particularly fierce bought of sex, that sometimes was preceded by a particularly passionate argument, often begun by either John’s attempt to force his affection on Ringo in the most inappropriate ways or Ringo’s attempts to give John exactly what he wanted.
John had long sensed his growing need for someone like Richard. In the months before their introduction, he had felt this need creeping further and further to the forefront of his mind. He often imagined himself quite in love with the faceless figure he conjured up whenever his mind wandered. He would fantasize about what type of man he would become with this person by his side, even during his brief stint with Paul in his Quarrymen days. (Which never even really began.)
He would also reflect upon the ever present darkness that seemed to be growing in his heart, which seemed to restrict more and more as the years and lovers came and went. (And went…and went...)He felt an inconsolable rage which he couldn’t quite identify the source of and, as a result, couldn’t quell. So to distract himself he would imagine the feelings and experiences this person and his mind would bring, and he would breathe a little easier.
The only physical characteristic he ever conceded to grant his mystery messiah was a smile. (A light to save him from the darkness.) And it was that same smile that he found plastered across Richard Starkey’s face an hour into their acquaintance.
The same smile which began John’s obsession, salvation and destruction.
Richard had long sensed a certain magnetism about himself that terrified him. In the months before their introduction, he saw glimpses of the dark side of what appeared to be charisma, and he tried to repress it, but found himself incapable of being anything other than kind and genuine. He often imagined himself being the downfall of some poor figure that would fall victim to his goodness, whenever he lay awake at night reflecting on the fun he’d had that day. He mourned over this person who he wished to save from himself even before he knew their name. (And even after.)
He would also reflect on how much he wanted and needed the person he would destroy. (And, oh, how he wanted him) and that maybe, if he tried hard enough he could be the salvation that the unsuspecting figure in his mind sought. He could love them and be good to them and save them and they would be happy together. He felt an irrepressible desire for this person that he couldn’t quite identify the source of and couldn’t help but succumb to it by throwing himself into the arms of whoever is so fortunate as to smile at him for more than 3 seconds. And as he allowed himself to be kissed and caressed he imagined himself in the arms of the man he knew he was destined to save and to destroy.
The only thing Richard sensed about this man was how much he wanted to be saved by him. So when an hour into their acquaintance he finds John Lennon staring at him, a look of utter adoration and delight painted on his sharp features , Ringo Starr did what he did best; ignored the problem.
He ignored John’s want. He ignored his own want, and eventually, when he finally succumbed to both his and John’s mutual desire, he ignored the dread he felt in his heart at the feeling that someday, this desire would kill them.
And in some respects, the feeling Ringo had in his heart was warranted.
He would sometimes, after a particularly heated argument which left each emotionally drained, tell John of his fears, which John in turn would laugh off before pulling Ringo into his arms and whispering still grinning into his ear, “ Nah, love, you’re an angel, my guardian angel. Who just happens to be a great fuck.”
And Ringo would laugh, because he knew that’s what John wanted him to do, and peck him on the lips before removing himself from John’s embrace and walking to the bedroom knowing he would follow suit. And John would always linger behind and mutter, in an anguished tone, just loud enough for Ringo to hear. “And it’s me who does the destroying anyway. . . and I’m gonna fuckin’ ruin yah.”
Each left the other on a weekly basis in a vain attempt to save the other from themselves, but would return, rather desperately to their lover’s arms, perhaps, even more often.
Ringo would fall silent and stare at nothing in particular for a few moments before he would turn and quietly walk out the house after whispering hurriedly about John not appreciating him and about him being impossible. (The latter of which John also sometimes felt was true.) He would return, usually in the next few days, throwing the front door open bounding and stumbling up the steps before throwing himself into his lover’s arms, kissing and groaning out his apologies before he would break down sobbing.
John would throw things and slam the door on his way out, claiming that Ringo was a complete pain in the ass and that he felt suffocated. (And the latter at least would be true, as he felt the darkness in his heart try to worm its way into Ringo’s eyes, tightening its hold on both of them as it went.) He would return, however, usually by the next night, quietly slipping into bed beside Ringo, wrapping his arms around his waist and pressing his face into his lover’s hair as he wept silently.
When Yoko came, John changed.
It was during one of their many separations that the two met, and quickly became two halves of a whole. She was a part of him. He needed her and loved her.
That is how John described Yoko and his relationship when he finally contacted Ringo a few weeks later.
You were just an obsession. (Please understand...)
She is much more vital to me. (She is just as important as an arm or a leg….)
I was lying when I said I loved you. (And as much as I would destroy any part of me to save you...)
Please let’s just be friends. (It would hurt you much more if I stayed with you…)
And soon enough we will both forget. (So instead of cutting off my arm...)
Goodbye, mate. (I’ll rip out my heart for you.)
And after Keith came, it all changed.
You were right, it’s better that we’re friends. (Why do you look so heartbroken?)
He is the most amazing human being I have ever met. (Stop it.)
I really did love you, yah know. (You left, remember?)
But he understands me more than you ever did. (I’m finally over you.)
We really are much better off, aren’t we? (So please, don’t look at me like that.)
I’m so happy that we both found exactly what we needed. (Or I may actually think you care about me.)
Ringo was secretly thankful to Yoko, much to latter’s sympathy.
He loves you more. That’s not true, he adores you. He sometimes whispers your name in his sleep. Yeah, probably having nightmares about my huge neb. I love him so much. I know, and he loves you just as much. Maybe , but the same is true for the two of you, except you may have more in your heart to give him. But it’s all clogged up with scar tissue now, anyway. I give him all I can. Which is more than I ever could. I promise I’m not gonna let you take him from me. And for that, I can never thank you enough. I’m sorry, I’m so selfish. You’re not, really. I hope we can be friends one day. We already are. How so? You and John are two halves of the same whole right? Thank you…I’m so sorry.
John openly despised Keith, much to the latter’s delight.
How’d he fall for an wanker like you anyway? Well, my dear boy, I am an incredibly good shag. I could fuckin’ kill yah. Oh, please do, Ringo looks damn good in a suit and my funeral would be the perfect occasion to wear one. I hate you. And I find you simply enthralling. Are you flirting with me, you bastard? Don’t get too excited, I’m just incredibly promiscuous.Yeah, just like your lover from what I hear. Tut, tut, tut, I don’t want us to be enemies. So what do want us to be you bloody poof?Well I’m pretty sure we already are good friends ,aren’t we? Christ...you may just be right. And maybe, if you’re really lucky I’m wrong.Yah, or if I’m really fortunate you’ll just go and pop yourself off.
And not many years later that is exactly what Keith Moon did. (John Lennon did not feel so very fortunate.)
It was not long after that Yoko Ono Lennon broke her promise to Ringo. (Ringo never really forgave her for it.)
And on a cold December day in 1980, Ringo Starr saw all his worst fears realized, but it was only partially his fault.
Because, in the end Richard Starkey did save John Lennon, and also, by a cruel turn of events destroyed him.
They all wanted him.
George wanted a doll.
Paul wanted a rock.
Brian wanted a bridge.
(Rory wanted a lawyer.)
Keith wanted a mirror.
And John Lennon wanted an angel, and, never one to deny anyone, Ringo Starr was all these things.
And, after it was all over, He would sit and remember something Paul had once said to him, on one of those lonely nights, so long ago it seemed.
‘And in the end…’ ( which it was for him)
‘…the love you take ‘ (the love he wanted)
‘is equal to the love you make’
And Richard Starkey would smile and feel better because he knew that, in his life, he had made a whole lot of love.