why is this still an issue?
Yesterday I had a couple of not so fun conversations with my parents. They both revolved around me being gay. The whole basic wrap-up of them is that my mom told me she doesn't want me to be gay when I go back to college. And my dad telling me that if my mom could choose of course she would choose for me to be straight. So it all sucked and made me cry and this is all bullshit I really wish I didn't still have to deal with frequently. Here is what I wrote to my sister today, it sums up what I'm feeling pretty well.
"It really upsets me to know that my sexual orientation is going to be a constant problem for our parents. I know I only came out to them a year ago and probably should have had the foresight to realize it wasn't going to automatically be okay. But right now I feel like I did before I come out. I feel like whatever my next step is will disappoint them unless I end up with another man. I don't know if that is where my heart will go. I explained to them the day I came out and a few times since that I love people not genders. Maybe that is too difficult for them to understand. Perhaps they don't have the ability to look outside those nice little boxes everyone is supposed to fit in. None of those seem to be the right fit for me, never have and most likely never will. Damn, I didn't realize a year ago that Mom and Dad would still have such a hold on me that even today, twenty four hours after my conversation with Mom I still want to cry. I thought I would have moved on and I wished that they would too. I'm so scared that this is always going to be a problem and it will eventually get to the point where it will kill whatever relationship I have with them. I hung up on Dad last night, I feel like such a bitch for that. Why am I still so afraid of disappointing them? But I let them disappoint me all the time. Do I do what makes me happy or try to fumble along making everyone else happy?"
A little while later:
"I'm getting to the point where I just want to give up. I'm tired of giving so much energy to all of this bullshit to fight back and to be okay in my head. I don't care what they think. I've spent the last year trying to teach myself how to be happy and get my head in order. I don't want to backslide on all of that progress because of them. Fuck it. Maybe this is some weird way of them trying to keep me out here. Like let's get her mad and upset so she doesn't want to come back. Maybe that's it."
"It really upsets me to know that my sexual orientation is going to be a constant problem for our parents. I know I only came out to them a year ago and probably should have had the foresight to realize it wasn't going to automatically be okay. But right now I feel like I did before I come out. I feel like whatever my next step is will disappoint them unless I end up with another man. I don't know if that is where my heart will go. I explained to them the day I came out and a few times since that I love people not genders. Maybe that is too difficult for them to understand. Perhaps they don't have the ability to look outside those nice little boxes everyone is supposed to fit in. None of those seem to be the right fit for me, never have and most likely never will. Damn, I didn't realize a year ago that Mom and Dad would still have such a hold on me that even today, twenty four hours after my conversation with Mom I still want to cry. I thought I would have moved on and I wished that they would too. I'm so scared that this is always going to be a problem and it will eventually get to the point where it will kill whatever relationship I have with them. I hung up on Dad last night, I feel like such a bitch for that. Why am I still so afraid of disappointing them? But I let them disappoint me all the time. Do I do what makes me happy or try to fumble along making everyone else happy?"
A little while later:
"I'm getting to the point where I just want to give up. I'm tired of giving so much energy to all of this bullshit to fight back and to be okay in my head. I don't care what they think. I've spent the last year trying to teach myself how to be happy and get my head in order. I don't want to backslide on all of that progress because of them. Fuck it. Maybe this is some weird way of them trying to keep me out here. Like let's get her mad and upset so she doesn't want to come back. Maybe that's it."