Better Late than Never
I see that I haven't posted in here in awhile. To be honest, I can't seem to fall into the whole journal thing unless it involves pen and paper. Despite that medium's availability, I haven't really had the desire to speak. I don't want to talk about me, I want to talk about you. I am sick of my own selfish thoughts and my own problems. I mean, in light of everything else going on in the world, our problems really amount to very little. What right do I have to sit here and complain of anything, really? Oh yeah sure, I've got enough going through my brain that would keep any normal person up for days but I really am quite used to it. I am used to waking up and tossing and turning at night, thinking of everything and anything. I think that even if I were to find myself in a completely different atmosphere and life, I would find some element in my new surroundings to create and manifest drama; I am totally convinced. What is drama anyway but the reactions we give to situations; we are in full control of how dramatic the situation gets and I find myself reveling in the climatic escapades of a madwoman! It seems I habitually take myself right to the edge of the cliff as if I am subconsciously tempting fate to go ahead and give me that final push! What the hell is wrong with me?! *facepalm*
I am now certain that due to the medication I am taking by necessity, I can no longer drink as much as I am used too. I mean, baby I was a binge-drinking alcoholic and now I have to limit myself to five drinks max....well that cramps my style, or what remains of it. What was my style anyway? In retrospection, my identity has revolved around such irresponsible and mischevious behavior, well since I can remember anyway. It was my calling card...the one thing everyone and their priest knew about me. It was my insatiable craving for pleasure and excess. Now being completely removed from all this, I feel at a loss. Now what am I known for? The reality is I am not even known here at all!! It has been two months and yet I still don't trust myself to go out alone. I don't know...I never viewed my habits as the defining element of my character, but now I question this. I question this because now I am found questioning myself!! I don't know how to describe me anymore, and believe me it was a speech-memorized in the past...I don't know who I am and it is pissing me off to no end! Oh sure, sure...I am peaches and cream now...but what about the beast of a woman still inside. I feel akin to a caged lioness who is just begging for the caretaker to get a little too close...I know I need peace, silence, and contemplative thought but I don't think I want it anymore. I don't want what I need and I don't know how to fix it. I think I need to balance myself....and I am far from achieving this goal.
Who am I to you?
Well I still don't have my car back although plans have been put into motion for my attainment of my other precious again. I miss my car and loathe taking Stacy's transportation! God Lord, I feel like a leech!!
What else can I say, but this? What other racing thoughts can I commit to virtual paper, hmn? Oh there are many...I find that most thoughts these days are about loss in some form and fashion. Loss...what a difficult concept to grasp and burn into one's heart. Yes...I burn...I must, lest I forget these lessons. What am I but a lost and wordly youth who applied so much pressure on her life that it finally collapsed around her? How long must this process take?
I love my friends. Those special and endearing, kindred souls who like me, search for their purpose too...how can we possibly find it, ladies?! The answers elude me...perhaps you have better luck and wit then me.
Till next time...or rather till I stop running long enough to pay a stop to this virtual diary.
Angelina