i am not a nashvillian, but i play the banjo.
"how long have you lived in nashville?"
"my whole life"
"oh, so your a nashvillian?"
"no i don't really think so"
I don't know why i haven't assimiliated yet, at all. i've lived here my entire life and still i feel ostricised and awkward around southern families and traditions. they don't make sense to me. jean was trying to explain to me the concept of southern pride yesterday and how the confederate flag is not a symbol of priding oneself on a rascist past but rather on the south's right to want to seccede from the union. she said that her family calls the civil war the war for the southern confederacy. That makes no sense to me at all. I have met so many people from the deep south that go to church a lot(weekly i guess) and have farms and confederate flags. i have had it explained to me that it is not a rascist thing but a historical pride thing and then i hear those people use the word nigger and i know if i told any of them about my intrest in girls nothing would be said to me to my face but a lot would be said about me behind my back and i would never be treated the same. It's fucking priding yourself on a rascist history. It's saying that the past was ok. Go to Germany and there are no jews there any more but when they find out you are Jewish they appologize. They don't pride themselves on their disgusting past to the point that the german national anthem is almost never sung anywhere because Hitler required it to be sung everywhere. How could you be so accepting of such a horrid past.
The flag is just one part of it i don't understand. I speak qucikly. My brain works really quickly, almost too quickly and i can't even find a way to correctly phrase my thoughts sometimes. People down here are so annoyingly slow with their speech. I get asked to repeat myself all the time because its not slow enough for them. Last night i went to the first southernish dinner party i have ever been to. I guess now that I think about it I have only been to dinner parties up north. It's way differient. I had a three hour talk with Jean last night about the north and the south. She was trying to explain to me how a confederate flag is ok and how people in the rural south like things the way they are and are not very open to new things. I love these people and don't judge and they don't judge me but i totally sense this cultural differience. I feel like i'll never fully be accepted or understood here by anyone. i might be one day, i'll leave the possibility open, i guess. I feel like I go through a culture shock every week. I guess this entry doesn't make any sense and there was such a deep level to our conversation last night and so many aspects were discussed. I am not translating my full confusion well into this entry. i just feel so awkward and ostricised in groups of all southern people. or should i say as soon as i realize that i am talking to fast for them or as soon i hear their sayings that make no sense to me i feel it. i feel like i am not a southerner. all of my good friends are people from the south. man i hate having to repeat myself because i talk to fast. i was put through a speech program because of my northern accent. i guess it just wasn't right. this just reminds me of the time when we went out to eat at the family style place where you sat with people you don't know and everything had lots of butter in it. the food was horrible and sickening. it reminds me of all the times i have been best friends with the people others consider to be assholes. i think those people are funny and i have no problem telling them when they are being jerks. people think that my dad and i are assholes to each other. we're not, we just sympathize with jerks because well, we are those people everyone would think that my family is an asshole. we're really nice though. ask santana or caitlin, i have the nicest best dad in the world. he was the only one in brooklyn that played the banjo. i love people from the south and i think that southern accents are darling and i think the culture is relaxing to an extent. i am one of the only people i know who has not assimilated. i'm not sure why; my father nor my mother has either. we like the south; we're just not southerners and in the past two weeks this has become more and more apparent to me. this is going to be bothering me all day.
"my whole life"
"oh, so your a nashvillian?"
"no i don't really think so"
I don't know why i haven't assimiliated yet, at all. i've lived here my entire life and still i feel ostricised and awkward around southern families and traditions. they don't make sense to me. jean was trying to explain to me the concept of southern pride yesterday and how the confederate flag is not a symbol of priding oneself on a rascist past but rather on the south's right to want to seccede from the union. she said that her family calls the civil war the war for the southern confederacy. That makes no sense to me at all. I have met so many people from the deep south that go to church a lot(weekly i guess) and have farms and confederate flags. i have had it explained to me that it is not a rascist thing but a historical pride thing and then i hear those people use the word nigger and i know if i told any of them about my intrest in girls nothing would be said to me to my face but a lot would be said about me behind my back and i would never be treated the same. It's fucking priding yourself on a rascist history. It's saying that the past was ok. Go to Germany and there are no jews there any more but when they find out you are Jewish they appologize. They don't pride themselves on their disgusting past to the point that the german national anthem is almost never sung anywhere because Hitler required it to be sung everywhere. How could you be so accepting of such a horrid past.
The flag is just one part of it i don't understand. I speak qucikly. My brain works really quickly, almost too quickly and i can't even find a way to correctly phrase my thoughts sometimes. People down here are so annoyingly slow with their speech. I get asked to repeat myself all the time because its not slow enough for them. Last night i went to the first southernish dinner party i have ever been to. I guess now that I think about it I have only been to dinner parties up north. It's way differient. I had a three hour talk with Jean last night about the north and the south. She was trying to explain to me how a confederate flag is ok and how people in the rural south like things the way they are and are not very open to new things. I love these people and don't judge and they don't judge me but i totally sense this cultural differience. I feel like i'll never fully be accepted or understood here by anyone. i might be one day, i'll leave the possibility open, i guess. I feel like I go through a culture shock every week. I guess this entry doesn't make any sense and there was such a deep level to our conversation last night and so many aspects were discussed. I am not translating my full confusion well into this entry. i just feel so awkward and ostricised in groups of all southern people. or should i say as soon as i realize that i am talking to fast for them or as soon i hear their sayings that make no sense to me i feel it. i feel like i am not a southerner. all of my good friends are people from the south. man i hate having to repeat myself because i talk to fast. i was put through a speech program because of my northern accent. i guess it just wasn't right. this just reminds me of the time when we went out to eat at the family style place where you sat with people you don't know and everything had lots of butter in it. the food was horrible and sickening. it reminds me of all the times i have been best friends with the people others consider to be assholes. i think those people are funny and i have no problem telling them when they are being jerks. people think that my dad and i are assholes to each other. we're not, we just sympathize with jerks because well, we are those people everyone would think that my family is an asshole. we're really nice though. ask santana or caitlin, i have the nicest best dad in the world. he was the only one in brooklyn that played the banjo. i love people from the south and i think that southern accents are darling and i think the culture is relaxing to an extent. i am one of the only people i know who has not assimilated. i'm not sure why; my father nor my mother has either. we like the south; we're just not southerners and in the past two weeks this has become more and more apparent to me. this is going to be bothering me all day.