Growing Up.
So I met Naren today, after more than a year.It was a bit awkward at first, with others around, but then again, neither of us were that excited about crowds anyway.
For those that came in late, Naren is my nephew, living with his parents in the U S of A, currently 11 years old, and my favorite nephew, and visited us today with his mom, while vacationing here.
So, once we got away from the rest of the family, noisily discussing the last year, the stories about jetlag and some assorted family stories, Naren and I slipped away on the pretext of him being bored and wanting to play some video games.
And I'm struck by how much Naren's grown up. He's wearing glasses now, a gangly teenager on the cusp of puberty. Sure, he's still the kid who loves his videogames, watching his occasional saturday morning cartoons and Pokemon.
He tells me he starts 6th grade in September. I remember he was in pre-Kindergarten when I first met him in 2006, when I'd first moved to the US. A free spirit like any other kid, he was my partner in crime, the best honest company, the best hugger, my link to my inner child. He still is, to an extent, I suppose, but at 11, entering the awkward years, it's hard not to think about how much he's grown up, how much he's matured, and how much I miss the excited kid on a sugar high, demanding the latest action figure, and at the same time, how proud I am of him.
Naren tells me he's a straight A student, in his Advanced Learning Program at school in Virginia, and says he's getting a new X-Box 360 for getting all A's in the 5th grade. I know for a fact how competitive they are out there, and the fact that he's already talking to me about centripetal forces shaping planets, media influences and history and quadratic equations, amazes me. I taught undergraduate mathematics (introduction to Calculus) for a brief while, while doing my Masters' program in the US, and having been exposed to the aptitude of some kids there, I did not really have that good an opinion of the US educational system, I'll admit (chalk it to the American-kids-are-dumb stereotype that's perpetuated by the world media). Naren coolly talks about how he watches Anderson Cooper with his dad, and talks about world politics. He talks about how he enjoys listening to classical jazz and composer music, Beethoven and Mozart being his favorites. I know for a fact I had no idea what was happening in the world (and I didn't care), when I was 11. I was satisfied dealing with my life and my petty issues then. How kids grow, eh?
He talks about how he's taking guitar lessons (he already plays the keyboard), and how he's getting to learn Spanish next year. He giggles and says he's learned some cusswords in Turkish while watching an Assassin's Creed video. He vehemently denies having a girlfriend and talks about how someday he'll have to ask a girl out to prom and how he's not ready for it yet.
Naren talks about his life at school and I sense some apprehension and tension. He talks about how his best friends are nerds, and a couple of friends are jocks, and tells me he is one of the nerds now. He's proud of his grades, loves his advanced classes and enjoys the debates, but he talks about the social life in school. He talks wistfully of wanting to be in the popular crowd at school, and talks about how, in the 5th grade, the cliques are already set and firm. He talks about the jocks' tables, the popular girls' tables, no cheerleaders yet, and a separate table for the nerds and the "social rejects". He talks about how awkward and distressing social life can be for a kid in middle school if he/she does not belong to the popular cliques (yes. He actually said that, I'm not making this stuff up).
Watching a young kid you saw growing up, who you cared for, going through such ridiculous, prevailing rites of passage, is a bit gut-wrenching. I'm not sure about others, but I just feel bad for him, and think back to my own school days. In India, nerds are venerated in schools. Academic achievers are lauded, and sports comes a close second. I'm not sure about social rejects, because I don't remember those in my classes when I was at school. The nerds and popular kid cliques sorta flowed into one another, and unlike many other kids, I loved school. It was one place I was happy, in my element, learning new things, no matter how boring (yes, economics and social sciences, I'm talking about YOU). I had friends at school, fellow nerds who were happy solving crossword puzzles and discussing science, quizzing and skipping physical education classes to sit in the library and reading.
I see now just how traumatizing and socially distressing life can be within the school environment, for kids in western cultures. I guess out there, it's more akin to adult life, reflecting the harsh realities of life. In some ways anyway. It teaches them cliques are natural, birds of the same feather WILL flock together. There will always be groups and subgroups which won't mix.
Naren talks about his experiences with racism, with his Sikh friend being talked down upon by some girl in their class, and how some of his friends in other schools have had to face bullying for being different. He talks about how he's escaped bullying till now, and how he's been accepted into an Accelerated Learning programme at another school now, which is mostly nerds, and has a very strict zero bullying policy and he's excited about it. On the other hand, he's still worried he'll be bullied in his current school and thinks about his social life. Gone are the fantastical dreams about becoming an astronaut or a fighter pilot or a movie star. He says he wants to become either a well-paid software engineer or a doctor.
I see so much of me in him, the awkward nerdy teenager without many friends, the bookworm rushing into the world of fantastic imagination, escaping the dull reality of daily life - homeworks and assignments, studies and boredom. I see a strong, intelligent kid, trying to fit in with other kids, excelling at stuff, while limiting himself in others, just so he can belong.
It's a complex emotion I feel - pride mixed with a bit of pain and nostalgia. I miss the happy carefree kid who was excited about life and all its possibilities. I see this mature teenager who is excited about his video games one moment and then the next, talks about how he dreads going to school some days, thinking about bullying. I'm a proud uncle all right, but I hate seeing how fast he's growing up. Why can't kids stay innocent and happy all their lives? Why do they need to be exposed to harsh realities?
Is this what it feels like for a parent? Except maybe a thousand times stronger? More hard hitting and personal? If it is, I'm not sure I'm ready for parenthood anytime soon.