It's been a while

Feb 26, 2005 23:52

Hmm...

Life has been crazy lately. Right now I'm sitting in my room with my broken glasses--there is only one lens. It's kinda crazy and kinda makes my eyes hurt but what can you do. I can't find the other one because I can't fucking see.

Anyways, so back to life. I kind of new this was going to happen, but I just didn't know when. So I kinda finally have this prospect (boy) and we went on a date and talk almost every night, but I just don't know. I finally made the realization (and I knew it was coming) that I CANNOT TRUST ANYONE. I hate that.

SOmething happens when someone cheats on you--and it's not a good thing. It's almost like I would rather just crawl in a hole than face the issues that I might actually like someone and they might actually like me and I might actually have potential with them. So instead of acting on what could be an awesome thing, I will just blow it and end up with nothing. And I hate that too.

It's like tonight I signed on to IM and right when I said something to him, he signed off. This could mean a lot of things...like he just left before I got online, and it took the computer a second to sign him off; or it could mean that he was too tired to talk since it was like 2 am, so he thought he would just head out first; or it could mean (and why do I think this is right) that he actually has a girlfriend and she was there and didn't want to see me talking to him, or he doesn't like me, or he was talking to other girls and making plans so he blocked me. I just fucking can't stand it.

It's like I almost want to say right now to him, "if you're fucking around with someone else right now, then just tell me" cause I would just rather know now then a few months down the road when you tell me you've been fucking other girls and three other girls are after you for your number. Cause then I would probably just die.

I've come to the realization that EVERY single relationship I ever have from here on out will be the same damn way...and that's fucking scary. Being alone or getting hurt..I don't know what's worse, and either way, I don't want to find out all over again.
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