It's "Fall", Not Autumn, so to speak.
THis post has nothing to do with seasons, but it has to do with a fall.
I haven't gained since last week, but haven't lost either. Eating is still not under control. My weight is up by 31 pounds, just shy of half what I lost on the program I just did, but still 70 pounds less than two years ago. I feel like crap for the gain, along with comments from bitter people who told me I wouldn't last.
Fuck 'em. I will get back down to that weight, and I'm still more than 20% less than my former self.
A recommended book about this is sitting in my "to read" pile and I don't want to feel worse by reading about my destructive behaviour. I know it intimately. It's stupid to ignore such resources but I can’t help how I feel about this. Depression makes me feel stupid about myself. It's a strange situation but I'll get out of it soon enough.
Last week, I finally got an appointment to see my doctor about my left knee fall/bang/scrape when I was in Vancouver at the start of September. It is healed on the surface. What was happening underneath wasn't known to me until I realized that the burning sensation I was dealing with wasn't infection and wasn't the body healing, but something else. When walking down the stairs causes a moment of bad balance, and walking causes my left shin to burn, I still have issues.
I don't know that I posted about that. I fell off a curb at a spot where the pavement dipped on an angle to allow a car exit a driveway. It was dark enough that I didn't see the edge of the curb. I wasn't anticipating the drop and I fell forward with my knee impacting the pavement right on the kneecap. My ankle was flexed and in my momentum it straightened, pushing my knee forward with a lot of weight on it as I was still upright, so my shin ground into the pavement, scraping off a large piece of skin. Then I lost my balance and fell over onto the outside of my right knee and slamming down on my right elbow while my left knee wrenched sideways and unfolded. Blood, lots of it, from a shallow cut.
I managed to get back to bitterlawngnome and danthered's home in a state of mild shock. Bill helped me treat it, and Daniel helped me the next day with a new bandage supply and a ride to the transit rather than me walking there on my injured leg.
Since then, my right knee and elbow has healed, and my left knee is healed on the surface.
The left patellar tendon, which connects my kneecap to the shin, is torn. There is nerve damage in that leg also. My bones are still bruised and it will be another month until I can actively pursue any exercise fully other than walking. I can do work with weights but I need to keep the weights to half what I usually lift/move and avoid any exercises that move my knees in from of my toes.
The nerve damage has an interesting effect. It makes my knee and shin feel like it’s hot and burning. The pressure needed to accomplish that is small. When I walk, or sit certain ways, my compression stockings are just enough to cause that sensation and it can be quick and over or long and sustained. I can’t cross my legs at the knees or ankles. I can’t lay on usual left side in bed to sleep because my right leg twists my left knee. Walking up the stairs is almost impossible, and going downstairs can be troublesome because that knee is not fully supported.
Loads of fun. Don’t fall down. Ever. The earth and floor are very unforgiving at my weight.
If it’s not improved much in a month I need to go back to my doctor.
I haven't gained since last week, but haven't lost either. Eating is still not under control. My weight is up by 31 pounds, just shy of half what I lost on the program I just did, but still 70 pounds less than two years ago. I feel like crap for the gain, along with comments from bitter people who told me I wouldn't last.
Fuck 'em. I will get back down to that weight, and I'm still more than 20% less than my former self.
A recommended book about this is sitting in my "to read" pile and I don't want to feel worse by reading about my destructive behaviour. I know it intimately. It's stupid to ignore such resources but I can’t help how I feel about this. Depression makes me feel stupid about myself. It's a strange situation but I'll get out of it soon enough.
Last week, I finally got an appointment to see my doctor about my left knee fall/bang/scrape when I was in Vancouver at the start of September. It is healed on the surface. What was happening underneath wasn't known to me until I realized that the burning sensation I was dealing with wasn't infection and wasn't the body healing, but something else. When walking down the stairs causes a moment of bad balance, and walking causes my left shin to burn, I still have issues.
I don't know that I posted about that. I fell off a curb at a spot where the pavement dipped on an angle to allow a car exit a driveway. It was dark enough that I didn't see the edge of the curb. I wasn't anticipating the drop and I fell forward with my knee impacting the pavement right on the kneecap. My ankle was flexed and in my momentum it straightened, pushing my knee forward with a lot of weight on it as I was still upright, so my shin ground into the pavement, scraping off a large piece of skin. Then I lost my balance and fell over onto the outside of my right knee and slamming down on my right elbow while my left knee wrenched sideways and unfolded. Blood, lots of it, from a shallow cut.
I managed to get back to bitterlawngnome and danthered's home in a state of mild shock. Bill helped me treat it, and Daniel helped me the next day with a new bandage supply and a ride to the transit rather than me walking there on my injured leg.
Since then, my right knee and elbow has healed, and my left knee is healed on the surface.
The left patellar tendon, which connects my kneecap to the shin, is torn. There is nerve damage in that leg also. My bones are still bruised and it will be another month until I can actively pursue any exercise fully other than walking. I can do work with weights but I need to keep the weights to half what I usually lift/move and avoid any exercises that move my knees in from of my toes.
The nerve damage has an interesting effect. It makes my knee and shin feel like it’s hot and burning. The pressure needed to accomplish that is small. When I walk, or sit certain ways, my compression stockings are just enough to cause that sensation and it can be quick and over or long and sustained. I can’t cross my legs at the knees or ankles. I can’t lay on usual left side in bed to sleep because my right leg twists my left knee. Walking up the stairs is almost impossible, and going downstairs can be troublesome because that knee is not fully supported.
Loads of fun. Don’t fall down. Ever. The earth and floor are very unforgiving at my weight.
If it’s not improved much in a month I need to go back to my doctor.