Finding the Love
I've been thinking about this lately.
The reason why I've been taking a break since Cooking School is because while I was in school and working full time, I felt so sick and tired all the time. I noticed that when I was feeling like that, I had absolutely NO creativity to give. My cooking was mediocre and towards the end, I was barely making it to the end of each session. The goal of taking a break was to get healthy again so I could get back on the horse later on, so to speak. After reading a lot of really good information on working out and fitness, and being in the gym with a bit more frequency, what I've learned is that if I wanted a big muscular body, I could do it, but it comes with a price: eating tons of food and spending a lot of time in the gym.
This makes me think, 'I COULD be muscular, but WHY?' What if my body isn't meant to be that way? I have mixed feelings about the philosophy behind bodybuilding. For me, it just felt obscene to eat that much food. Again, perfectly doable and effective. For me, when I'm doing it, I just feel so...weird. It feels so unnatural, like this isn't what I'm meant to be doing to myself.
I have this nagging feeling that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons as well. I feel that maybe a big part of me is doing it so that I could be one of those guys the men I like would find attractive. So, isn't that the same as the woman that feels pressured to constantly be pretty and do whatever it takes (plastic surgery, never ending diets, etc) to retain as much of that beauty as possible because that is what society wants and approves?
If, after many attempts at putting on weight (or losing weight), you start to get a feel for the capacities and limits of your body, and you start getting the feeling that maybe, no matter what you do, you'll always be a somewhat thinner guy or a somewhat chunkier guy, at what point do you stop chasing these goals and re-define them to stay healthy but be more at peace with yourself?
What Matt was talking about in his journals about skinny guys getting no love is quite true. I've experienced it myself. Maybe that is something I would also need to find peace with: there's lots of guys that don't find my type attractive at all, and that is their prerogative, but if I choose NOT to bulk up, then I have to be OK with that. See, that's the other thing...I've always thought my body type must be OK, since there's guys out there that find me attractive. But that kind of validation comes from the outside, the point here, is what do *I* think? Do *I* like myself?
I do want (and like) working out and I really, REALLY want to be healthy and have lots of energy. I guess I'm just questioning my motives and goals. I read somewhere that true health (and true beauty as well) comes from the inside, from the place from which you love yourself no matter what you look like. Of late I've been wondering if the gym is a great stop along the way, but not the destination of that journey.
The reason why I've been taking a break since Cooking School is because while I was in school and working full time, I felt so sick and tired all the time. I noticed that when I was feeling like that, I had absolutely NO creativity to give. My cooking was mediocre and towards the end, I was barely making it to the end of each session. The goal of taking a break was to get healthy again so I could get back on the horse later on, so to speak. After reading a lot of really good information on working out and fitness, and being in the gym with a bit more frequency, what I've learned is that if I wanted a big muscular body, I could do it, but it comes with a price: eating tons of food and spending a lot of time in the gym.
This makes me think, 'I COULD be muscular, but WHY?' What if my body isn't meant to be that way? I have mixed feelings about the philosophy behind bodybuilding. For me, it just felt obscene to eat that much food. Again, perfectly doable and effective. For me, when I'm doing it, I just feel so...weird. It feels so unnatural, like this isn't what I'm meant to be doing to myself.
I have this nagging feeling that I'm doing it for the wrong reasons as well. I feel that maybe a big part of me is doing it so that I could be one of those guys the men I like would find attractive. So, isn't that the same as the woman that feels pressured to constantly be pretty and do whatever it takes (plastic surgery, never ending diets, etc) to retain as much of that beauty as possible because that is what society wants and approves?
If, after many attempts at putting on weight (or losing weight), you start to get a feel for the capacities and limits of your body, and you start getting the feeling that maybe, no matter what you do, you'll always be a somewhat thinner guy or a somewhat chunkier guy, at what point do you stop chasing these goals and re-define them to stay healthy but be more at peace with yourself?
What Matt was talking about in his journals about skinny guys getting no love is quite true. I've experienced it myself. Maybe that is something I would also need to find peace with: there's lots of guys that don't find my type attractive at all, and that is their prerogative, but if I choose NOT to bulk up, then I have to be OK with that. See, that's the other thing...I've always thought my body type must be OK, since there's guys out there that find me attractive. But that kind of validation comes from the outside, the point here, is what do *I* think? Do *I* like myself?
I do want (and like) working out and I really, REALLY want to be healthy and have lots of energy. I guess I'm just questioning my motives and goals. I read somewhere that true health (and true beauty as well) comes from the inside, from the place from which you love yourself no matter what you look like. Of late I've been wondering if the gym is a great stop along the way, but not the destination of that journey.