Dreaming of sleep
I've been in a very odd head space for the past few weeks.
To find what you've been hoping for only to have it slip through your fingers is jarring to say the least. I've felt very disjointed and am still trying to calm the mental maelstrom.
On one hand I almost feel as if it were too good to be true, and so maybe it's a good thing it's no longer there for my paranoia to steadily eat away at.
But then on the other hand I really don't want to let this slip away. I want to grasp it with both hands and never let go. I'm even tossing around the idea of buggering off overseas, if only for a while.
Am I blinded by reality?
I think in situations like this I'd prefer to live in the dream.
But dreams can turn to nightmares, and sometimes it's difficult to judge which world is harsher.
So do I go back to pretending everything is ok?
I've become well accustomed to maintaining the facade. To keep the balance do I have to lock these chains around my heart even tighter?
Lock it deep inside and you wont feel anything anymore. But is that a blessing or a curse?
Will this become a memory to keep hope alive? Or will it become a hook tugging on my mind, reminding me of what I risk each time I try to lower that mask?
My instinct is to hide. To keep that mask immaculate and unbreakable. To live day to day with no hopes for tomorrow. It's a safe life, if you can really call it a life at all.
But sometimes I think to myself, what would it be like to live, even for a day, as myself. My real self. The me I've kept shackled in some dark dingy corner of my mind for years.
But it's been so long I barely know that person anymore.
The mask has become part of me, and despite trying so hard to let it go, I can only drop it enough to show my eyes.
Sometimes people understand though. Sometimes you find someone who can look you in the eye and see the screaming within.
Words, those vexing things, can stay unspoken, as there is implicit understanding.
Ultimately I need to find a balance of sorts.
Once I feel more mentally stable, then I can start thinking on what I'm going to do.
To cling to hope, or let it dissipate?
More than anything right now though, I need sleep
Adieu
To find what you've been hoping for only to have it slip through your fingers is jarring to say the least. I've felt very disjointed and am still trying to calm the mental maelstrom.
On one hand I almost feel as if it were too good to be true, and so maybe it's a good thing it's no longer there for my paranoia to steadily eat away at.
But then on the other hand I really don't want to let this slip away. I want to grasp it with both hands and never let go. I'm even tossing around the idea of buggering off overseas, if only for a while.
Am I blinded by reality?
I think in situations like this I'd prefer to live in the dream.
But dreams can turn to nightmares, and sometimes it's difficult to judge which world is harsher.
So do I go back to pretending everything is ok?
I've become well accustomed to maintaining the facade. To keep the balance do I have to lock these chains around my heart even tighter?
Lock it deep inside and you wont feel anything anymore. But is that a blessing or a curse?
Will this become a memory to keep hope alive? Or will it become a hook tugging on my mind, reminding me of what I risk each time I try to lower that mask?
My instinct is to hide. To keep that mask immaculate and unbreakable. To live day to day with no hopes for tomorrow. It's a safe life, if you can really call it a life at all.
But sometimes I think to myself, what would it be like to live, even for a day, as myself. My real self. The me I've kept shackled in some dark dingy corner of my mind for years.
But it's been so long I barely know that person anymore.
The mask has become part of me, and despite trying so hard to let it go, I can only drop it enough to show my eyes.
Sometimes people understand though. Sometimes you find someone who can look you in the eye and see the screaming within.
Words, those vexing things, can stay unspoken, as there is implicit understanding.
Ultimately I need to find a balance of sorts.
Once I feel more mentally stable, then I can start thinking on what I'm going to do.
To cling to hope, or let it dissipate?
More than anything right now though, I need sleep
Adieu