apathy is death
i have the next 2 days off, and my mission is to find at least one moment of serenity.
it's hard to remember the last time i felt at peace - it's hard to even remember what it's like
i know i don't really have anything to complain about - i have a job, friends, etc - but no satisfaction.
no real happiness.
no matter what it is i end up doing, ultimately it just seems pointless.
i always end up in bed at home staring at the ceiling and unable to sleep wondering if next time i'm actually going to bother.
i kinda feel like writing something now for NaNoWriMo, but at the same time i'm a bit reluctant.
it seems every time i do get overcome with the urge to write it always end up being about something horrible.
i ended up making a friend cry when she read the notebook i've got at home full of random thoughts and poems etc, and the last few stories i've written have all ended up involving suicide and/or murder and the only emotions i seem to able to write are negative ones.
it's nice to be able to create something, yet at the same time i can't help but feel a little disappointed that i can't even make fictional characters feel satisfaction - they all end up being emotionally retarded.
i think i'm just getting completely overcome by weariness.
it was a pretty sleepless weekend after all - i'm gonna have to try and catch up over the next couple of days.
i'm at the point where i feel like i'm a passenger in my own body. it's like i only exist as my thoughts, and have to actively focus them to direct the body i'm inhabiting at the moment.
i actually wish i could discard it completely. a body seems so... distasteful right now. i don't want the thing - it seems to serve no purpose. i find being anchored to a physical presence is so confining. i truly hope to find a way to cut the ties that bind. i don't think of it as transcendence - i don't aspire to become some superior being or anything. all i want is to just let everything go - no more pain, no more aging, no more sickness. life would be one purely of will. though i suppose that could be considered a superior form of life...
okay not sure where that rant came from - i blame the lack of sleep.
so.... anyway....
the goal is to find some semblance of peace - even just for a moment.
it's most likely not achievable, but one can always hope right?
(oh, and i'm assuming only Ally might guess what's up with the subject title)
it's hard to remember the last time i felt at peace - it's hard to even remember what it's like
i know i don't really have anything to complain about - i have a job, friends, etc - but no satisfaction.
no real happiness.
no matter what it is i end up doing, ultimately it just seems pointless.
i always end up in bed at home staring at the ceiling and unable to sleep wondering if next time i'm actually going to bother.
i kinda feel like writing something now for NaNoWriMo, but at the same time i'm a bit reluctant.
it seems every time i do get overcome with the urge to write it always end up being about something horrible.
i ended up making a friend cry when she read the notebook i've got at home full of random thoughts and poems etc, and the last few stories i've written have all ended up involving suicide and/or murder and the only emotions i seem to able to write are negative ones.
it's nice to be able to create something, yet at the same time i can't help but feel a little disappointed that i can't even make fictional characters feel satisfaction - they all end up being emotionally retarded.
i think i'm just getting completely overcome by weariness.
it was a pretty sleepless weekend after all - i'm gonna have to try and catch up over the next couple of days.
i'm at the point where i feel like i'm a passenger in my own body. it's like i only exist as my thoughts, and have to actively focus them to direct the body i'm inhabiting at the moment.
i actually wish i could discard it completely. a body seems so... distasteful right now. i don't want the thing - it seems to serve no purpose. i find being anchored to a physical presence is so confining. i truly hope to find a way to cut the ties that bind. i don't think of it as transcendence - i don't aspire to become some superior being or anything. all i want is to just let everything go - no more pain, no more aging, no more sickness. life would be one purely of will. though i suppose that could be considered a superior form of life...
okay not sure where that rant came from - i blame the lack of sleep.
so.... anyway....
the goal is to find some semblance of peace - even just for a moment.
it's most likely not achievable, but one can always hope right?
(oh, and i'm assuming only Ally might guess what's up with the subject title)