For what it's worth.
Most of my interactions with people are spent trying to make sure I'm interested or empathetic with what they're saying on the outside, but screaming "shut up and stop fucking talking to me" on the inside.
The amount of information I take in is so overwhelming. I hear the words that don't get said, think the thoughts that other people think and feel their feelings.
It's not an exact match, though, it's more of an amplification of things.
And then I reflect it.
And I can't even help it.
I wait while you talk, I smile when you smile, while the voice inside my head goes over all of the things I could find the energy to say.
When words do finally come out, they are almost never pre-meditated.
At least when they're in response to things.
When I do try to "think before (I) speak", it will never come out the way it's intended.
I'll spend hours, or days sometimes depending on the situation, ruminating over what I might say if I ever get the chance, and then when the opportunity does comes I'm subjected to saying things that are always "in response". So anything that's pre-meditated gets mixed up with what I'm almost FORCED BY GOD to say.
I don't really know how to explain it any other way.
The people in my life either think I'm a super amazing person or a piece of shit, or they don't have an opinion of me at all. Either way, it's always dependent on who I'm talking to.
If you're talking about things I like to talk about in a way I like talking about it, you're going to get a man who shines as brilliantly as the mid-day Sun in late July. But we get involved in a talking about a difficult subject and it emotionally stirs you in a way, I will amplify and reflect that.
And there's nothing I can do to control it aside from being super selective about the people I spend time with. But what a chore that is.
That's my work I guess. Get better at filtering my relationships.
Anyway, I feel like a spark.
I am the human incarnation of an electric spark. I'm beautiful still, but only to the people who aren't being shocked. The person that gets shocked doesn't want to maintain a relationship and everyone who saw me shock someone become weary about coming too close.
If anybody knows any exercises of removing oneself from their heads, please share.
I'm going crazy in mine.
The amount of information I take in is so overwhelming. I hear the words that don't get said, think the thoughts that other people think and feel their feelings.
It's not an exact match, though, it's more of an amplification of things.
And then I reflect it.
And I can't even help it.
I wait while you talk, I smile when you smile, while the voice inside my head goes over all of the things I could find the energy to say.
When words do finally come out, they are almost never pre-meditated.
At least when they're in response to things.
When I do try to "think before (I) speak", it will never come out the way it's intended.
I'll spend hours, or days sometimes depending on the situation, ruminating over what I might say if I ever get the chance, and then when the opportunity does comes I'm subjected to saying things that are always "in response". So anything that's pre-meditated gets mixed up with what I'm almost FORCED BY GOD to say.
I don't really know how to explain it any other way.
The people in my life either think I'm a super amazing person or a piece of shit, or they don't have an opinion of me at all. Either way, it's always dependent on who I'm talking to.
If you're talking about things I like to talk about in a way I like talking about it, you're going to get a man who shines as brilliantly as the mid-day Sun in late July. But we get involved in a talking about a difficult subject and it emotionally stirs you in a way, I will amplify and reflect that.
And there's nothing I can do to control it aside from being super selective about the people I spend time with. But what a chore that is.
That's my work I guess. Get better at filtering my relationships.
Anyway, I feel like a spark.
I am the human incarnation of an electric spark. I'm beautiful still, but only to the people who aren't being shocked. The person that gets shocked doesn't want to maintain a relationship and everyone who saw me shock someone become weary about coming too close.
If anybody knows any exercises of removing oneself from their heads, please share.
I'm going crazy in mine.