i think i may actually work myself to death
so...i think i may actually work myself to death....and we all thought if that would happen, it would have happened already.....really.cant.do.5am.....3 days a week....i come home...i crash.....i get up...and then im up and cant sleep...so the whole vicious cycle leads into the next day....help.....each day i contemplate whether or not i can call in sick....for the sole reason that i dont want to be there...my mom is right...i didnt move out here with the dream of staying in that store forever....but how long...i cant ask for a recommendation to leave after ive only been there for 3 weeks...but i cant continue on this path of destruction either....its very odd...i can come in and give 75% and they treat me like im giving 110%...now why would that bother me? hmmm....i used to take pride in my work ethic...atleast there was something to call mine....kids and baby...that was mine...it was tangible....same with womens...mine....i was responsible.....now...im not really sure....not really sure what my job is....just that each day, i dread having to show up there....its like im in a fog...and i dont really care...dont really care about anything having to do with the place...maybe its cause its not mine yet..maybe because i feel like they treat me like im going to break...i dont even really feel like a manager...dont really feel like i have ANY responsibility... sure, theres stuff to get done...but it usually falls by the wayside as i am called to run the floor...not that i care...i can fold shirts and think about other things....day dream...i keep telling myself that this is better than where i was before...im in a better place...im not so sure i believe it...maybe i do.....i watched er tonite...and the trailer for next week shows carter leaving the er...hes talking about how he felt like he was raised in the place and they are his family...i realized thats how i felt when i left...but yet i know this is right...getting out of bed is still a struggle more often than not, but because im exhausted...not because my head is trying to convince my heart that the world is not an awful place and it needs to face it....my hearts response was always to pull the quilt back over my head and hide...sleep comes easy here...i dont have to fight for it...or drink niquil...or like so many nights in boston just cry...or even the nights id swear it didnt happen..only to wake up with trails of tears...and for once, i feel like things are falling into place rather than out of them.
san francisco is the coolest place ever....im planning on exploring it saturday...and i need furniture and a lil shopping never hurt anyone ;) ill have to go solo cause i dont know anyone...but im strangely ok with that...and maybe ill get my energy back and go for a run...maybe...right after i unpack the rest of the boxes that have been sitting here for a month...furniture...yep...i keep telling myself that...and laundry...i do have THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!!!! and i get a visitor in a week and a few days....now...THAT is something to be excited about!! i just need to have the place put together before then...i applied for a few other jobs...maybe if i average one per night, ill finally get a hit...maybe...hopefully....sigh....im tired..wiped out...so its bed time...and then 8-5 time...but then its the weekend..YAY!!!!!
ok...that turned out to be really long...make up for all the times i didnt update...not even sure where this one came from....not sure im coherent enough right now to decide that....hope it was entertaining......
san francisco is the coolest place ever....im planning on exploring it saturday...and i need furniture and a lil shopping never hurt anyone ;) ill have to go solo cause i dont know anyone...but im strangely ok with that...and maybe ill get my energy back and go for a run...maybe...right after i unpack the rest of the boxes that have been sitting here for a month...furniture...yep...i keep telling myself that...and laundry...i do have THE WHOLE WEEKEND OFF!!!!!! and i get a visitor in a week and a few days....now...THAT is something to be excited about!! i just need to have the place put together before then...i applied for a few other jobs...maybe if i average one per night, ill finally get a hit...maybe...hopefully....sigh....im tired..wiped out...so its bed time...and then 8-5 time...but then its the weekend..YAY!!!!!
ok...that turned out to be really long...make up for all the times i didnt update...not even sure where this one came from....not sure im coherent enough right now to decide that....hope it was entertaining......