Dear friend,
Its always good to keep a blog, so that when you have no one to turn to, when there seems to be no one that can understand, there's still a last resort. What an eventful year it has been, giants coming again and again, they never seem to stop coming. Its really tiring. But I still choose to believe that God put me through all these for a reason. He probably wants me to learn and grow, to be more resilient and emotionally and mentally strong. To all those who have let me down, disappointed me or hurt, I dont blame anyone. I'll just take it that everyone's different and I cant expect people to stay by my side all the time just like how people shouldnt expect that i stay by their side all the time. People change,something that I finally understand so clearly. How things can change within weeks. Its scary. Its hurtful. Its heartbreaking. All the time I just plead God to bring me out of this, because its been long enough. It takes two hands to clap, i stretch out my hand, if there's no response, Im over it. Im fine with it, totally fine. Just for goodness sake, bring me out of this.
But I truly thank God for 2 people, that i really want to thank, probably not now, maybe after A levels. Because every single time, and i really mean every single time without fail, they'll make me laugh and smile. They dont do it intentionally to make me feel happier, they do not know anything, but its just their character and nature i guess. Still, Im ever so grateful :) Sometimes, those that arent the closest to you can bring you the greatest joy. But there's a limit, because they have their own priorities.
And, I dont know about this, but Christians arent really supposed to believe in retribution right? (I seriously have no idea). But things that have been recently show me how selfish and proud I was in the past. I dont show it, but on the inside, yes i do have thoughts running through my mind that no one would ever think I would. They're all now in a much better position than me. And I see it all the time, in my freaking face. reality just slaps my face. what else can i do but remain silent and smile or look away.
And then with all these emotional struggles, comes Alevels that are in 2 weeks time. I was never open to the idea of going overseas. Ive no idea what changed me, but im actually considering going overseas. There are gonna be many obstacles if i do so, but somehow i just feel there's really nothing much to lose if I go. I'll miss my friends like mad for sure, but maybe absence builds stronger relationships. Because the biggest lesson that I've learnt in 2011 is that, if you really treasure someone (not as in boyf girlf kinda treasure, but as an important and special friend), you've gotta make it clear from the start and dont get too close to him or her. Weaknesses will just get more obvious and that person will start pushing you away and things get ugly and awkward. I guess thats why Valerie and I have never quarelled once. Because we're different, we dont communicate everyday or every week. but there's just this special bond that's always there. So, less conflicts but still, strong friendship.
Okay back to mugging.
But I truly thank God for 2 people, that i really want to thank, probably not now, maybe after A levels. Because every single time, and i really mean every single time without fail, they'll make me laugh and smile. They dont do it intentionally to make me feel happier, they do not know anything, but its just their character and nature i guess. Still, Im ever so grateful :) Sometimes, those that arent the closest to you can bring you the greatest joy. But there's a limit, because they have their own priorities.
And, I dont know about this, but Christians arent really supposed to believe in retribution right? (I seriously have no idea). But things that have been recently show me how selfish and proud I was in the past. I dont show it, but on the inside, yes i do have thoughts running through my mind that no one would ever think I would. They're all now in a much better position than me. And I see it all the time, in my freaking face. reality just slaps my face. what else can i do but remain silent and smile or look away.
And then with all these emotional struggles, comes Alevels that are in 2 weeks time. I was never open to the idea of going overseas. Ive no idea what changed me, but im actually considering going overseas. There are gonna be many obstacles if i do so, but somehow i just feel there's really nothing much to lose if I go. I'll miss my friends like mad for sure, but maybe absence builds stronger relationships. Because the biggest lesson that I've learnt in 2011 is that, if you really treasure someone (not as in boyf girlf kinda treasure, but as an important and special friend), you've gotta make it clear from the start and dont get too close to him or her. Weaknesses will just get more obvious and that person will start pushing you away and things get ugly and awkward. I guess thats why Valerie and I have never quarelled once. Because we're different, we dont communicate everyday or every week. but there's just this special bond that's always there. So, less conflicts but still, strong friendship.
Okay back to mugging.