Stolen From Miss Miranda, Passed on to my Jelli-bean
> SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
> How many of these apply to you?
> 1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
> 2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
> 3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
> 4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
> 5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without
being seen.
> 6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read
novels.
> 7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters
speak.
> 8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
> 9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
> 10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions that I would otherwise
avoid.
> 11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have
finished a novel.
> 12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
> 13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
> 14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
> 15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
> 16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
> 17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
> 18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
> 19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
> If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicate a serious
problem.
> Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new
levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college
enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature
abusers is currently at record levels.
> SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
> Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships.
They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of
friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in
awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags.
> In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small
towns.
> Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral
deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and
creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves
its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional
instability.
> HEREDITY
> Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable
role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning
at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser
become abusers themselves.
> OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
> Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction
readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in
healthy sports, or watch television in the evening. Worst of all: reading
bedtime stories to a pre-literate child.
> PREVENTION
> Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek
partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek
physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
> Decline and fall of the English major
> Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to
those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children
are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and
say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and
find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.
> What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
> 1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know
you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put
her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember
that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has
just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
> 2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book
in your drawer. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question--Who
is this Count Vronsky?
> 3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Introduce her to frat boys.
> 4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop
signing her letters as "Emma." Force her to take a gym class, or minor in
computer software design. Transfer her to a Florida college.
> You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the
following applies:
> She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
> She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
> Next to her bed is a picture of Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner, or
any scene from the Lake District.
> To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter
of the Canadian Literature Abuse Society, or look under CLAS in your
telephone directory.
> How many of these apply to you?
> 1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
> 2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
> 3. I read rapidly, often 'gulping' chapters.
> 4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
> 5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without
being seen.
> 6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read
novels.
> 7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters
speak.
> 8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
> 9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
> 10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions that I would otherwise
avoid.
> 11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have
finished a novel.
> 12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
> 13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
> 14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
> 15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
> 16. I have suffered 'blackouts' or memory loss from a bout of reading.
> 17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
> 18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
> 19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
> If you answered 'yes' to three or more of these questions, you may be a
literature abuser. Affirmative responses to five or more indicate a serious
problem.
> Once a relatively rare disorder, Literature Abuse, or LA, has risen to new
levels due to the accessibility of higher education and increased college
enrollment since the end of the Second World War. The number of literature
abusers is currently at record levels.
> SOCIAL COSTS OF LITERARY ABUSE
> Abusers become withdrawn, uninterested in society or normal relationships.
They fantasize, creating alternative worlds to occupy, to the neglect of
friends and family. In severe cases they develop bad posture from reading in
awkward positions or carrying heavy book bags.
> In the worst instances, they become cranky reference librarians in small
towns.
> Excessive reading during pregnancy is perhaps the number one cause of moral
deformity among the children of English professors, teachers of English and
creative writing. Known as Fetal Fiction Syndrome, this disease also leaves
its victims prone to a lifetime of nearsightedness, daydreaming and emotional
instability.
> HEREDITY
> Recent Harvard studies have established that heredity plays a considerable
role in determining whether a person will become an abuser of literature.
Most abusers have at least one parent who abused literature, often beginning
at an early age and progressing into adulthood. Many spouses of an abuser
become abusers themselves.
> OTHER PREDISPOSING FACTORS
> Fathers or mothers who are English teachers, professors, or heavy fiction
readers; parents who do not encourage children to play games, participate in
healthy sports, or watch television in the evening. Worst of all: reading
bedtime stories to a pre-literate child.
> PREVENTION
> Pre-marital screening and counseling, referral to adoption agencies in
order to break the chain of abuse. English teachers in particular should seek
partners active in other fields. Children should be encouraged to seek
physical activity and to avoid isolation and morbid introspection.
> Decline and fall of the English major
> Within the sordid world of literature abuse, the lowest circle belongs to
those sufferers who have thrown their lives and hopes away to study
literature in our colleges. Parents should look for signs that their children
are taking the wrong path--don't expect your teenager to approach you and
say, "I can't stop reading Spenser." By the time you visit her dorm room and
find the secret stash of the Paris Review, it may already be too late.
> What to do if you suspect your child is becoming an English major:
> 1. Talk to your child in a loving way. Show your concern. Let her know
you won't abandon her--but that you aren't spending a hundred grand to put
her through Stanford so she can clerk at Waldenbooks, either. But remember
that she may not be able to make a decision without help; perhaps she has
just finished Madame Bovary and is dying of arsenic poisoning.
> 2. Face the issue: Tell her what you know, and how: "I found this book
in your drawer. How long has this been going on?" Ask the hard question--Who
is this Count Vronsky?
> 3. Show her another way. Move the television set into her room.
Introduce her to frat boys.
> 4. Do what you have to do. Tear up her library card. Make her stop
signing her letters as "Emma." Force her to take a gym class, or minor in
computer software design. Transfer her to a Florida college.
> You may be dealing with a life-threatening problem if one or more of the
following applies:
> She can tell you how and when Thomas Chatterton died.
> She names one or more of her cats after a Romantic poet.
> Next to her bed is a picture of Lord Byron, Virginia Woolf, Faulkner, or
any scene from the Lake District.
> To seek help for yourself or someone you love, contact the nearest chapter
of the Canadian Literature Abuse Society, or look under CLAS in your
telephone directory.