(no subject)
Pause.
Everything has stopped moving and I'm floating around in this abyss. Don't know what to do. Don't know what to hang onto. Don't know how to feel. Avoiding temptation that will only lead to pain and hating my heart for the emotions that torture me. I've lost my gravity and everything is in slow motion. I've been alone here every night with nothing but my thoughts and the phone beckoning, taunting me...I leave the room. I try to stay busy, to submerge myself into all things substantial, practicing unitl midnight, but eventually I'm alone again with my thoughts and memories...and pain. I'm beginning to think that the concepts in Eternal Sunshine weren't so dumb. But even if we could erase events, people and essentially pain from our memories I think that in a way they would always be there like a scar you don't remember how you got. Besides, I don't want to forget. I don't want to close the door. I don't want to throw away the key and never look back. Food has lost its taste to me. Every meal is like trying to swallow a bowling ball or cardboard. I impale my green beans with my fork as if demanding them to tell me what to do (they never tell me though). One foot in front of the other.
Breathe in breathe out.
No matter how desperate it gets, no matter how desperate I feel I have to keep going for them. My brothers. They need me more then anyone ever has. And they are all that is keeping me going. I got an email from them the other night. I jumped up and down and went and grabbed Anna to make her see it. They sent me a picture. I have it on my desk. When I emailed them back I invited them to the concert on Sunday. I don't know if they will be able to come or not. I called my dad the other day and found out that my mom is back in the hospital. Haven't brought myself to call her. I stopped asking 'why me' a long time ago. I guess bad things just follow me, they probably always will. How could anyone stay in love with me? I'm a walking rain cloud with more baggage then a 33 year old soccer mom.
"She taught me how to climb. I showed her how to dangle."
Everything has stopped moving and I'm floating around in this abyss. Don't know what to do. Don't know what to hang onto. Don't know how to feel. Avoiding temptation that will only lead to pain and hating my heart for the emotions that torture me. I've lost my gravity and everything is in slow motion. I've been alone here every night with nothing but my thoughts and the phone beckoning, taunting me...I leave the room. I try to stay busy, to submerge myself into all things substantial, practicing unitl midnight, but eventually I'm alone again with my thoughts and memories...and pain. I'm beginning to think that the concepts in Eternal Sunshine weren't so dumb. But even if we could erase events, people and essentially pain from our memories I think that in a way they would always be there like a scar you don't remember how you got. Besides, I don't want to forget. I don't want to close the door. I don't want to throw away the key and never look back. Food has lost its taste to me. Every meal is like trying to swallow a bowling ball or cardboard. I impale my green beans with my fork as if demanding them to tell me what to do (they never tell me though). One foot in front of the other.
Breathe in breathe out.
No matter how desperate it gets, no matter how desperate I feel I have to keep going for them. My brothers. They need me more then anyone ever has. And they are all that is keeping me going. I got an email from them the other night. I jumped up and down and went and grabbed Anna to make her see it. They sent me a picture. I have it on my desk. When I emailed them back I invited them to the concert on Sunday. I don't know if they will be able to come or not. I called my dad the other day and found out that my mom is back in the hospital. Haven't brought myself to call her. I stopped asking 'why me' a long time ago. I guess bad things just follow me, they probably always will. How could anyone stay in love with me? I'm a walking rain cloud with more baggage then a 33 year old soccer mom.
"She taught me how to climb. I showed her how to dangle."